The Things I'll Never Say

About the title, I’m not intentionally quoting Avril Lavigne. Moving on to the blog.

I wrote yesterday’s blog pretty much as it was happening so I missed out on a truly great topic that I will now write on. My family is mostly very good looking and very outgoing. I am neither. I’m very quiet and quite average on the looking good scale. I’m pretty on the inside (snort). Anyway, my point is that I’m unusual and I stand out. A lot. As the frequently harassed family member, I’ve heard my share of comments that just make me wish I wasn’t as securely in control of my temper. So here they are and here are the responses I’m getting closer to uttering each year. Hope you enjoy.

Everyone asks me this first one and it drives me nuts. It bugs me even more when they tell me “It’ll happen someday.”

1) Where is your/when will you get a, boyfriend?

MY RESPONSE: I have one, his name is Frank, he lives in my attic.
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY:
a) As if I could go to a store and pick one up even if I were interested.
b) I’m gay. –walks away- (I’d never do that)

I’m not skinny and I don’t want to be. I like food and I will not deprive myself of food that I enjoy. So there.

2) Are you really going to eat all that?

MY RESPONSE: Yup, food is good.
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY:
a) I’m moving to Nunavut and I need even more padding for the winter.
b) No. These gross things that you made are the perfect weight for throwing at people who walk across the lawn.

This one actually really hurt. About a month or so earlier I’d been on my first date (ever) which was semi disastrous (I hit my head getting out of her car twice, I almost dropped food all over myself and I locked myself out of the house). I think by then I was also crushing very badly on someone new.

3) What love life? It’s non-existent.

MY RESPONSE: -silence-
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY: You’re wrong. I went out with this really hot girl the other night but because my parents were home we had to make due with her car. (We did nothing in her car. Well, I did, I hit my head twice).

I don’t like being shiny and drawing attention to myself. It’s why I don’t wear a gallon of perfume and five or six Christmas pins.

4) You look too plain, here wear this shiny jewellery

MY RESPONSE: -sigh and gives in-
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY: I like my outfit when I don’t look like a rapper who robbed a store of its Christmas ‘bling’.

This one drives me crazy. I do believe in God. Very much actually but because I’m bitter and cynical in the way I talk, people assume. And we all know what people say about assuming. Ass-U-me.

5) That’s right, you don’t believe in God...

MY RESPONSE: Nope.
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY: Actually I do believe in God and when the time comes for us to die, I'll save you a seat and we can look up at the living together.

Stab me with a fish. I hate this one and I get it at least three times a get together. It makes me crazy when people tell me I can’t do something. It makes me crazier when they tell me I can’t do something I know I can, when they have no idea who I am anymore.

6) I don’t think you could be a teacher.

MY RESPONSE: We’ll see.
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY: You should know, you haven't had a decent conversation with me since I was nine.

So that’s my family and that’s why I get broody around holidays. Because you may be wondering if I was joking or if it’s a typo, I wasn’t and it’s not, I am gay. Super happy all the time. Uh... do I need to say anything else? I never say bling... I am way too uncool to pull that one off. If the girl from that date is reading this, hi, I’m kidding! I think that’s all of it...

I’m sure you can relate to at least one of these right? All in all though, my family isn’t that horrible. Just... unconsciously hurtful? The important thing is that they are always there for me. Or at least, they have been so far. And because I do love them, unless they really piss me off, I’ll never be rude or intentionally hurt them. So, bless my self control I guess. I needed to vent, can you tell?

Lauren.