Memory Lane

Okay, today was so much better than yesterday. I went in to work but not to work. I think that was half the fun. A friend of mine finally, after a year and a half, let her curiosity get the better of her. She decided that she wanted to check out where I work. I volunteered to go with her and it made my day. She’s just one of those special people. I’m sure you’ve all at some point had someone like that. Right?

Anyway, in honour of Halloween, I’m going to go down the long and winding road of memory lane to bring you some of my favourite costumes and memories.

The Pumpkin. Yeah, my mom cut holes in a garbage bag, put me inside and stuffed it with old newspapers. To top it off, I wore a lovely green toque with a pom pom on top. I think I was six. Picture a cute, innocent little six year old me in there. To her credit though, I was definitely not cold. Obviously, I’m just talking about the bag on this dude’s head. It was all big and baggy around my body. Quite comfy too. Okay, I liked the costume.

The lumber jack. Yeah... I’m not Canadian... It also should have served to foretell my somewhat less than heterosexual future. I remember this older man actually thought I was a guy. I mean, granted, I only came into my "female shape" (as my grandfather would say) after high school (go figure) but seriously, I don’t think I was THAT bad. It must have been around the last year I went... I was probably nine or ten. I’m just going to go ahead and say he was blind for the sake of my self esteem.

I remember being a hippy once. That was honestly the most half assed costume I ever came up with. It was lame. I’m surprised people gave me candy. I was pretty much in my normal, everyday clothes.

I don’t really remember any other costumes. And I stopped trick or treating when I was about eleven. I got braces and was rather annoyed that I couldn’t eat most of my candy without having to brush my teeth for twenty minutes. Although, not only are my teeth beautifully straight, I have no cavities! Haha! The long term positives of a shortened childhood! My sister continued on though. She’s had some pretty awesome costumes too. She’s been everything from a cat, to a psychotic hair dresser, to a geisha. My favourite of hers by far was the lion. I was impressed. She did her hair so that it made the mane. Seriously, my sister’s hair is super thick, it was probably nearing the middle of her back and she made it look like a tornado had gone through it. I still don’t know how she got it back down without a chain saw. How’s that for Halloween imagery?

I don’t have much more to say. I spent the rest of the day trying to do homework but failing miserably. Oh darn... right... I’m completely broken up about it. Thanks to the fact that I live on a virtual highway, no kids came by so I’m off to eat their candy.

Hope you all had a good one! Happy Halloween!

Lauren.

I DID WHAT TO MY BOSS?!?!?!

Well, I had probably the most awful shift in... a while. I got home around 10:30. My brain is seeking exit from my skull and my eyes won’t stay open. While all of this is really crappy, I am going to make an attempt at finding the silver lining. What does that even mean? It makes no sense... a gold lining would be better wouldn’t it? Meh, whatever. Let’s see if I can make an amusing little game out of this. OH! And let’s see if you can play along!

What happened to Lauren today? (that’s the title of the game)

First you need to make a list of the following:
- 5 nouns
- 1 body part
- An item of furniture
- 2 verbs
- 1 adjective
- An occupation
- A kitchen utensil










Now take your words and fill in the blanks.


1) Lauren slipped in a puddle of (noun) , twisted her (body part) while her side slammed into the (item of furniture) on her way down.

2) Lauren got (verb) at because she was distracted by her (occupation) and forgot to put the (noun) in the take out bag.

3) Lauren dropped her (kitchen utensil) on the floor but was too (adjective) to care and ate with it anyway.

4) Lauren wanted to (verb) her boss, but chose not to. It would have been rude.

5) Lauren’s boss treated her like a total (noun) all day. She thought he was being a bit of a (noun) but given her limited (noun) she chose not to mention it.



The actual answers are

1) Lauren slipped in a puddle of water , twisted her foot while her side slammed into the counter on her way down.

2) Lauren got yelled at because she was distracted by her boss and forgot to put the chicken balls in the take out bag.

3) Lauren dropped her fork on the floor but was too exhausted to care and ate with it anyway.

4) Lauren wanted to attack her boss, but chose not to. It would have been rude.

5) Lauren’s boss treated her like a total idiot all day. She thought he was being a bit of a jerk but given her limited power she chose not to mention it.


It was a really bad shift. I can’t remember one this bad in a while. But I’m hoping this is going to make up for it a little. I want to know what your answers are! Seriously, send me your words! I want to know what I was up to in your very unique minds.

I got my friend who wishes to be known as KitKat, to test my game out for me and this is what she came up with:

-fruit, cake, turtle, card, & water
-elbow
-chair
-shine, taste
- green
-librarian
-spatula

1) Lauren slipped in a puddle of fruit and twisted her elbow while her side slammed into the chair on her way down.

2) Lauren got shined at because she was distracted by her librarian and forgot to put the cake in the take out bag.

3) Lauren dropped her spatula on the floor but was too green to care and ate with it anyway.

4) Lauren wanted to taste her boss, but chose not to. It would have been rude.

5) Lauren’s boss treated her like a total turtle all day. She thought he was being a bit of a card but given her limited water she chose not to mention it.

I really like the fourth one... ew... Made me laugh though so today is already better.

Lauren.

An Apple a Day

Today was infinitely more interesting than yesterday and in consequence, those of you who find me interesting will have the usual amount of reading to do. HA! I mean, thank you for reading the daily occurrences of my life... Well, I was in the Women's Center today, so you know there's going to be something interesting going on there. I'll supply you with a list of things that could have happened and we'll see if you can guess.

1) My cat tried to eat my arm
2) I got punched in the face with an apple
3) I found someone to go on a skipping adventure with
4) I participated in a barefoot race across the snow covered campus
5) I demonstrated the "Time Warp" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show while hanging posters for the showing this Friday.

If you don't know, the Time Warp dance is in this video... somewhere near the middle. Sorry it's so long. I didn't find a clip of just the dance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDCYFshhSkQ

Did you guess? Write it down or you'll forget. Got it? If you guess that I did 4 or 5 you're just all out wrong. I do not dance in public... with the exception of work when I'm cleaning. Of course, I would do it when there are cameras watching. As to the snow race, there's no snow and I don't run unless being chased. As was intended by God. That leaves us with options 1, 2 and 3. I can tell you that my cat has tried to eat my arm, but not today. So if you guessed that, you're wrong.

That leaves 2 and 3 as the true statements. Yup, I was clumsy enough to punch myself in the face with an apple that I was eating. No one was near me. While I was hanging posters for the showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show tomorrow, I was not demonstrating the "Time Warp". And while hanging posters, I found a friend named SARAH who actually skipped down the hallways with me. Talk about a good friend. Somehow, I don't think you want to hear about that adventure so much as you want to know how I attacked myself. Because I'm at school and bored, I will tell you the tale in storybook form.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Lauren who was in therapy. As part of a strategy to restore her to mental health, her Mental Health Fairy (aka therapist) decided that they would start a self-care program. Part of that program was that Lauren now had to make a conscious effort to eat better but more specifically, to eat more fruit. Ever fearful of her Mental Health Fairy, Lauren commenced the program.

This morning, Lauren decided to keep her word. She reached into her refrigerator and pulled out a beautiful Granny Smith apple. "This will be delicious when I eat my lunch, made according to Canada's Guide to Healthy Eating." And she was right. Her lunch was delicious. When it came to her apple, she glanced at it, momentarily wishing it were a cookie. Sighing she began eating while continuing her conversation with SARAH. It was then that the apple decided to be avenged for being mercilessly chomped. When Lauren bit down and into its skin, the apple held firm and would not separate from its core. When Lauren struggled harder, it suddenly released, causing Lauren's arm to somehow shoot up and hit her in the nose. The apple was pleased with itself for not going down without a fight. In spite of its random attack, Lauren ate the rest and discarded the destroyed core.

All that was left for Lauren to do was get rid of SARAH for witnessing the incident... there would be no witnesses...

That was my day! Much funner I must say than stressing over strikes, papers and midterms. But on to the weekend.

Lauren.

Cookies?

I promised you cookies. If any of you are ever in my neck of the woods (that’s not strictly a joke, that’s kinda where I am) warn me and I’ll bake you real ones. These appear to be fresh from the oven. I stole the image from Reader's Digest. They come in peace?

I actually have nothing to say today. Which is odd. There was a protest for freezing tuition. Would be nice if it happened, I doubt it though. The profs might go on strike, which means I could end up 6000$ short. Hoping that doesn’t happen. Kind of a very tense but dull day to be quite honest. Hoping the tension resolves itself soon.

Only about a fifth of the length of my usual blog... I really had nothing. Well I’m off to either read about Hulio and Fran, David Copperfield or Nazi Doctors during WW2. I’m leaning toward David at t he moment. Sorry for the crap blog. Hopefully something happens tomorrow and hope you all had far more interesting days than I did.

Lauren.

I'm sorry! -runs and hides-

Hello my dear followers! I have to admit this cheery greeting precedes an apology on my part. I have something to admit. As some of you may know, I had a midterm today in my Web Identities class. I’ve been calling in Media. Well, I studied and I went, early as it turns out. I’m sure my prof will make fun of me. I was convinced that my class was at 3:00 o’clock when it was, as it always is, at 3:30. Talk about having a moment. I went to his office freaking out on top of it... Anyway, back to my apology. I want to apologize to all of those following me. I used you today, rather shamelessly and I’m hoping it works out. It was either brilliant or completely stupid. I don’t know. I think you have a right to know just what I did.

The question on my exam, yeah, I brought the exam home with me after, was as follows:

Papacharissi (not part of the question, but her first name is Zizi, isn’t that awesome?) argues that “Personal home page authors... use interactivity to complete a more effective self performance online.” She identifies various types of interactivity, including the following, which she takes from a study of interactivity on commercial websites: “playfulness, (availability of) choice, connectedness to the audience, ability for information collection, and reciprocity.” Discuss the importance and effects of one or two types of interactivity in personal web pages, especially as they contribute to the creation of identity.

Holy crap that’s long winded. So yeah... I used my blog as an example... and I quoted your comments as interaction... and my responses to your blogs... I explained how that related to identity... a lot of sociological mumbo jumbo followed. So yeah... that’s what I did. My course actually is a reason I’m blogging. I got curious! It’s not everything, but it’s proven quite useful thus far? Please don’t leave me! (Dr. P. if you’re reading this, I realize that was supplication.) I left him the link to my blog at the end of the exam with the note: “hehe, I wasn’t lying.” In case he reads this, be nice! And say that I should get an A for awesomeness. Like in Kung Fu Panda.

We’ll see how that turns out. I’m hoping good. I like As. Bs are also really appreciated. (Hint hint Dr. P. And yes, I’m much braver online than I am face to face.)

Aside from all that, I have an answer to Kathryn’s question from... last week. I got my quiz back from 19th century lit. The one where I wrote Fran and Hulio (I now know it’s Julio) as Italian character’s names. My prof wrote: “hmmmm” and “Fran?”. I expected more of a comment on Hulio to be quite honest. I knew the one character’s name started with an “H” and the other ended in “ia”. I just couldn’t remember the whole thing. The correct answers are Hypolitus (which I’m probably spelling wrong again but it’s too late for me to care) and Emilia. I like my names better. I also got made fun of for spelling Hulio with an H. I had a feeling it was a “J” but that just went against my “It starts with an H theory”. I’m French not Spanish. I don’t pronounce Hs. Give me a break.

And that was my school day. I’m sorry for using you. I shall bake you cookies. And not the computer kind. Those aren’t edible. Those just store data from web pages to register preferences (See Dr. P! I learned!). I’m going to stop now. Good night everyone!

Lauren.

Weirdly Good Day

I have no new bathroom related incidents to report. I am relieved. Ha! Aside from that, I’m not feeling that great today. I’m very tired. I went to class because I’m a good little student, then I went to the Pride Club meeting and after that, I had my very first group therapy session. So it was quite a busy and mentally draining day. Although, I have to say, I did enjoy every bit of it. Except for the headache that has decided to manifest itself behind my left eye, I’m not very fond of that. If today’s post is a bit short, that’s why.

Pride Club was interesting. We learned that closed minded people were actually vandalizing our posters by writing “No” across them. (The poster was for the inaugural meeting since there hadn’t been a Pride Club in existence before.) I dunno, if you’re gonna discriminate against me, at least think of a catchy lyric or something. Two letters? Really? I find the lack of effort and creativity more insulting than the vandalism. Seriously, ‘gay’ and ‘go away’ rhyme, it’s not that hard. In any case, we’re taking down the vandalized posters and putting up new ones. I want to save the ruined ones. I could have fun with them later. I’m smiling deviously in case anyone was wondering. I think I was the only one there who found this incident amusing. I absolutely refuse to be angry about it and I’m not going to let myself feel hurt. I don’t know who did it and obviously they didn’t want to express their disapproval to my face. If they don’t agree with who I am, that’s cool, I don’t know them, they’re opinion doesn’t matter to me. And there’s my anti-homophobe rant of the day. Had to get that out because I don’t know that anyone would have understood my amusement at being discriminated against.

As to group therapy, it was for people with anxiety disorders. Yeah, I also have an anxiety disorder. And I’m medicated for it. Haha! Come get me various religious denominations! It’s so hard keeping track of who hates what these days... I’m not on birth control anymore so the Pope can’t hate me for that. This is why people don’t think I’m religious by the way. But group therapy was fun. It’s nice being somewhere where people are talking about stuff that you go through all the time. I probably sprained my neck I was nodding so much. Slouching the way I am now probably isn’t helping my neck either.

I think that’s it for me today. At least before my eye explodes. I still have to study for yet another friggin’ midterm. I hate how they’ve organized this year. But that’s another rant for another day.

Lauren.

Trapped in the Bathroom Again

Ever have one of those moments when you know something, but completely forget until that particular moment is upon you? I know, super clear right? This happens to me all the time so I’ve had to admit the following: “My name is Lauren Daily and I am a scatterbrain.” It’s not that I would forget my head without my neck... it’s that I’d remember after I’d gotten out of bed and run into the door because I can’t see it. You know, ‘cause my head is still in bed? Although how that would physically work is beyond me. Guess that’s why I’m an English/History major.

So where is that delightful intro taking us, you may be asking. You may also be asking WTF is this chicky talking about. I’m used to the second one so I prefer the first. Okay, on to the most frequent thing that I do. I do my own laundry except for my towel. My mom does a big load of just towels and wash cloths and such. After this happened the first few times, I asked her to warn me when she was taking my towel. Which she’s been doing. Yay mom! The problem now is that I forget that she takes it and no longer have someone other than myself to blame when I get out of the shower soaking wet, as one would expect, and have no freaking towel.

It’s actually kind of weird. I won’t notice my towel missing until I get out of the shower. Then and only then is it like there’s a spotlight shining on the place where my towel should be. But it’s not there! So (I was about to say imagine me standing there, but I’d feel infinitely more comfortable if you didn’t) uh... imagine yourselves, yeah, imagine yourselves standing there soaked, wondering if you can make it back to your bedroom without being seen. Due to an outbreak of towel specific kleptomania, I have to keep my towels in my room. It’s very inconvenient. And even that doesn’t stop the kleptomania. Sometimes I totally had a towel and then the magic towel fairy comes by and steals my towel. By the way, I know where the fairy lives it’s just that my parents won’t let me attack her. Wow, I’ve gone way off topic.

So today, by no one’s fault but my own, I was stranded in the bathroom lacking a towel. As I’m staring at the empty towel rack I’m juggling my options. I could use a few hand towels, one for my hair, a few for everything else. I could air dry and only potentially die in the time it would take. I could run for it, the house is empty but all the damn blinds are open and my neighbour has a peeping problem. I chose the towels and the air dry method. Towels mostly but they’re so darn small they’re drenched in about two seconds. I eventually managed to escape. Why am I constantly being trapped in washrooms? I’ve just now realized that pattern... huh. Oh well, given that I keep managing to free myself it’s not like I’m escaping Alcatraz. Although to do that I would also need a towel. At the end at least.

I think you can all see where my brain is at today. It’s on holiday clearly and it’s left my body in charge. Just once I’d like for both my body and brain to go on a vacation together.

Lauren.

My Mom Sat On Me

I know this is going to be totally surprising to anyone who’s been reading this for a while, but once again, it was raining here. Yeah. Another freaking day of rain. As much as I like rain, I do also enjoy sunlight. It did however make for a good shopping day. Which is what my parents and I decided needed doing. We took off around ten and got home about an hour ago. We went out of town. Travelling sucked but I did find some nice clothes. In case you were wondering how small the city I live in is, I had no idea they made shirts for tall people. SO FANTASTIC!

Last year my friends told me that they thought I had an obsession with three quarter length sleeves. Not really the case. The sleeves on all my shirts are too short and look stupid unless I push them up. That or they shrink in the wash. But I found tall shirts and the sleeves fit and it’s long in the torso! It’s awesome! I only own two shirts that have intentionally three quarter length sleeves and I don’t wear them anymore. So that’s my discovery of the day. After lunch the progress of our shopping dwindled. I have to find a pair of nice dress shoes. Like every woman, I love shoes. They’re so pretty. I however HATE shoe shopping. It relates back to that tall thing, tall people usually have big feet. Mine are an 11 or an 11 ½, depends on the shoe. Sometimes, if I’m really lucky, I can fit into a ten. The issue is that every store pretty much only stocks up to a size ten. PAIN in my ASS. I don’t like looking, finding this amazing shoe that I just can’t live without and then finding out that I’ll need to live without it because they don’t make my size, or stock it, or sell it. I’m sending eye-daggers to shoe manufacturers and so on as I write this. Needless to say, the shoe hunt was a complete failure. It bugs me because I’m not even really all that tall. I’m 5’8”. That’s like... slightly above average. And these are the pains I suffer for being different... diversity my ass. I’m kidding by the way, about the last part, the rest really does bug me.

Coming home the weather actually got worse but I was kinda sleepy and getting cranky so I didn’t pay much attention. Yes, I’m oddly like a five year old. In more ways than one actually. I think it’s endearing. It’s probably not. Maturity in many cases is very overrated. Rather than spending my time DJing another two hours for my parents and singing along just to bug them, (by the way, I totally managed to lead them in a Sound of Music sing along!), I spent the two hours home thinking about things I shouldn’t be thinking about. Then again, how do you deal with undesirable aspects of your life without thinking of them? I dunno. If you have an answer let me know. All in all, it was a pretty good day. Aside from my mom sitting on me twice. That was unpleasant. I just thought that was an amusing little tidbit.

Lauren.

It's Not Porn!

It was a rather crappy day today. It was dark and rainy, on top of which, I went driving with my dad. I’ve passed my course and I am a good driver. My problem is anxious parents. Thanks to my father freaking me out, I hit a sign today. Luckily nothing was damaged. I also wish to add that I’ve never hit anything when I was driving with anyone other than my parents.

Last night, after blogging and eating cake, I bought some movie on ebay. I’m not a huge ebay fan but because I live in a small city in Northern Ontario, I have to buy lesbian comedies online. I haven’t had any bad experiences with ebay, but at the same time, I’d rather have something tangible in my hands if I’m paying for it. Ya know? I love my hometown. It’s great here, really. I just wish it wasn’t so damn small sometimes. But back to the wonders of ebay.

I find all these movies on youtube or on my magic TV stealing site aka surf the channel, but it bugs me that sometimes different parts of the movies are in Chinese, or have Spanish subtitles, or aren’t complete or the site will kick me off “because my time has expired”. Pft whatever. Thanks to ebay I’ve bought movies from England, which I think is kinda cool. Especially since the movies were complete and in English.

At this point I’m just waiting for my sister or my parents to get on my case about it. They usually do. My mom keeps wondering if I’m buying porn. I keep assuring her that just because there’s lesbian content, it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be porn. She doesn’t seem to believe me. Once I assured that I didn’t have to buy porn. It’s free online. The things she doesn’t know... As to my sister, she bugs me that the only reason I buy these movies is because they’re lesbian movies. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, “And how unusual it all seems given that I am a lesbian.” They’ll bug me about it until eventually I get them to sit down and watch them with me. Then they realize that they’re actually excellent movies that win prizes at all kinds of international film festivals. I know Kathryn has had bad experiences with these festival things... but I promise, mine don’t suck. I swear on my cat. You remember Meeko? My yogurt addicted training cat? I wouldn’t swear on him if I were lying.

If I’ve peaked your curiosity about some of these, I can vouch for the following titles: D.E.B.S, Loving Annabelle, Saving Face, But I’m a Cheerleader, Gray Matters, I Can’t Think Straight and Imagine Me and You. For the most part they’re all kinda corny comedies. D.E.B.S is kinda like a ditzier version of Charlie’s Angels. But I’m a Cheerleader is just... corny. It’s funny because it’s so corny. I think my absolute favourite is Gray Matters. It doesn’t remind me of my life at all.

So, apparently my orders have been shipped. I only have to wait now! So excited! I love getting things in the mail. It’s fun to come home to something other than bills in the mail box. Yeah I’m weird I know.

Lauren.

A Most Holy Tribute

Well, first and foremost, let me get important things out of the way. I’ve somehow attracted a sixth follower and as far as I’m aware, a follower that I don’t know. I welcome you follower 6. I would say Smileyfreak but that sounds like I’m insulting you. You know who you are anyway. At least I hope you do. In case you weren’t aware, Snuggies are in the corner, though, no one seems to be wearing them. I can’t imagine why.

Now that that’s been accomplished, I will now begin my blog. Today’s entry has been inspired by follower 6 who thinks my blog is random. Well, I’ll show you random. Today is a tribute to random! Because as I learned today, “being normal is for the weak.” I didn’t say that. Totally wish I had though.

Item 1: Kathryn is right! Bathroom doors do open inward! I never really took the time to notice so when I went pee today, I made sure to check. I also uttered a happy “ha!” at being able to escape. Those who witnessed this event quickly disappeared.

Item 2: We had to do a pop quiz today in my 19th century English class. Again, it was ridiculously easy, but I’d accidentally hit my brain’s snooze button and that thing was not coming back on. So I decided that one character’s name was Fran and the other’s would be Hulio. This story takes place in Italy. I’m pretty sure Hulio isn’t Italian. I’m also pretty sure it’s spelled wrong. Upon leaving that class, I realized it was snowing. I then proceeded to greet people with “Happy first snow of the year!”

Item 3: While hanging out in the Women’s Center, we started greeting people with the word “erection”. I don’t remember why... but it was fun to watch. People just briefly acknowledged the greeting before ignoring whoever said it and asking someone else, usually looking at me, for answers to their questions. I don’t know why they were looking at me. I wasn’t saying anything. Weird people.

How’s that for random? And that was only between 10 and 3:30 today. I don’t think I’ll manage to write later so I’m posting earlier than usual. GREY’S ANATOMY IS ON TONIGHT! Love that show. It’s my guilty pleasure, my only guilty pleasure now that they’ve ended the L Word. Crappily ended the L Word. If L Word people are reading this, the series finale sucked... I expected more of you... I hope you feel the shame rays I’m sending your way. If you don’t, you will.

Well, I’m hungry so I’m off to eat cake. Or maybe I’ll eat something less filling before supper. It’s up in the air. Everyone, I hope you watch Grey’s because I may or may not bitch about it tomorrow. Depends if they kick off someone I like. If they do they’ll be getting shame rays as well. I know they feel them...

Lauren.

Holy Crap

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m clumsy. I’m naturally prone to embarrassment. As a result I’m getting very hard to embarrass but I also seem to be getting into more bizarre situations. It’s like God is testing me... “Well this doesn’t embarrass her, so let’s try this!”

Today being hump day, and I mean that as the middle of the week, not anything with any fun associations, was slightly more annoying than usual. I’ve already blabbered on about my two essays and midterm so I won’t dwell on that. I will however discuss the embarrassing and more annoying moments of my day.

So, before my history of sexuality class I decided that before sitting for three hours, it would probably be wise to pee. I went to the bathroom because that’s just what people do. Now, this bathroom is probably one of the crappier bathrooms on campus (ha, crappy bathroom). I locked the door, did my thing and when I went to open the door, it wouldn’t open. I twisted the lock the other way and pushed. Didn’t open. So I’ve now realized that the door is jammed and I’m stuck inside. Woo! Needless to say, I eventually managed to escape. I’m definitely not there anymore. If you think this sounds like a rare occurrence, you’re wrong. That’s about the third time I lock myself in a bathroom stall. At school might I add.

Another amusing little incident happened in my Sociology class. When I graduated high school, my parents bought me a really nice, rather large, red laptop back. Since I don’t bring my laptop to school, I have a lot of room for my things. As my professor is coming down the aisle, she happened to catch me unloading my bag. She told me that I was like her sister, always carrying around a huge bag filled with stuff. She called it a “Mary Poppins” bag. I just thought it was funny given that I just watched it. Plus, it would totally be awesome if I could pull a hat stand out of my bag. Right now I can only pull out books and pens and stuff... considerably less cool.

In closing, I would like to say “I TOLD YOU SO!” Because musicals really do apply to real life. You see that? I have a Mary Poppins bag. I keep typing it Mary Pooppins. I don’t think she would have been as great. She probably would have said “splish splash” rather than “spit spot” and that’s just not the same at all. I can’t believe how many poop jokes I came up with. And that I’m signing off with a poop joke. And that I'm following a blog about my role models with a blog full of poop jokes. God I’m tired. I’m gonna finish watching Bones and maybe head off to bed.

Lauren.

If I Were Cool I'd Say: "My Peeps"

There are two things that I want to say today. The first is a great big THANK YOU! to Kathryn. Your comment absolutely made my day. I do hear you! And I do have excellent role models. It just so happens that I’m not related to any of them. Because I was taught there should be balance to everything, I’m going to write about the people who more than make up for the people I wrote about yesterday.

My boss is probably the most important person in my life right now. Her name is Helen and she’s a lot like a mom to me. I pretty much went to the restaurant as a customer and came home with a job. I can’t even begin to explain how much I appreciate her. One day I came in to work upset. Helen hugged me and told me that I could scream and cry as much as I wanted. I wasn’t screaming but I was well on my way to crying. I can talk to her about anything. When I was talking about moving out of my parent’s house, she helped me figure out if I’d be able to and where I could move. She actually listens to me bitch about my day and usually agrees with me that whoever I’m angry with is stupid. She’s invited me to her home and honestly, I feel more at home there than I do here. I can trust her and I don’t trust people as a general rule. Helen’s husband, Ed, is also pretty awesome. He cooks me supper every time I work. I eat free by the way. And I love talking to him about movies and all kinds of stuff like that. One time I went over, he went out to get Buster Bars and we all sat watching a movie and laughing.

My therapist is another person I rely on. She’s not just my therapist. I’ve been seeing her for three years now so we’re quite familiar with one another. It’s gotten to the point where she can threaten me with a stare. And no matter how many times she has to repeat the same things to me, she never seems annoyed. I know that’s part of her job but, it feels nice anyway. Sometimes we spend the whole hour just laughing about good things. Other times, not so much but the fact that we can laugh on the good days means a lot. Lately she’s gotten into the habit of stealing posters of events she thinks I should go to.

This one you might find funny, but I took a summer course this past summer in an attempt to get ahead and my prof was just this amazing lady. She’s one of those scary smart people who are also super fun. Never before have I gone to class, been in the middle of a discussion about the roles of women in a particular book and had the prof refer to one of the characters as being a MILF with MILF powers. I also remember going to her office for a specific reason but I ended up staying half an hour just talking about books and writing and stuff. And I’m still in contact with her. We’ve been emailing back and forth since summer. She’s indulging my stupidity by greeting me with barnyard animal greetings. It’s a long story...

I also have some very good friends that I can almost always find when I need them. Not all at once, but there’s more than one so it works out.

And that’s how I compensate for the stupidities I get to hear repeated over and over again. It’s taken me a while but I’ve found some truly worthwhile people and I love them all for enabling me to maintain my sanity. Helen was the one who taught me about balance, so this is my attempt at putting it into practice. Since today was enormously crappy, it actually helped to think of people who make me smile. Perhaps that’s something to think about.

Lauren.

The Things I'll Never Say

About the title, I’m not intentionally quoting Avril Lavigne. Moving on to the blog.

I wrote yesterday’s blog pretty much as it was happening so I missed out on a truly great topic that I will now write on. My family is mostly very good looking and very outgoing. I am neither. I’m very quiet and quite average on the looking good scale. I’m pretty on the inside (snort). Anyway, my point is that I’m unusual and I stand out. A lot. As the frequently harassed family member, I’ve heard my share of comments that just make me wish I wasn’t as securely in control of my temper. So here they are and here are the responses I’m getting closer to uttering each year. Hope you enjoy.

Everyone asks me this first one and it drives me nuts. It bugs me even more when they tell me “It’ll happen someday.”

1) Where is your/when will you get a, boyfriend?

MY RESPONSE: I have one, his name is Frank, he lives in my attic.
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY:
a) As if I could go to a store and pick one up even if I were interested.
b) I’m gay. –walks away- (I’d never do that)

I’m not skinny and I don’t want to be. I like food and I will not deprive myself of food that I enjoy. So there.

2) Are you really going to eat all that?

MY RESPONSE: Yup, food is good.
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY:
a) I’m moving to Nunavut and I need even more padding for the winter.
b) No. These gross things that you made are the perfect weight for throwing at people who walk across the lawn.

This one actually really hurt. About a month or so earlier I’d been on my first date (ever) which was semi disastrous (I hit my head getting out of her car twice, I almost dropped food all over myself and I locked myself out of the house). I think by then I was also crushing very badly on someone new.

3) What love life? It’s non-existent.

MY RESPONSE: -silence-
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY: You’re wrong. I went out with this really hot girl the other night but because my parents were home we had to make due with her car. (We did nothing in her car. Well, I did, I hit my head twice).

I don’t like being shiny and drawing attention to myself. It’s why I don’t wear a gallon of perfume and five or six Christmas pins.

4) You look too plain, here wear this shiny jewellery

MY RESPONSE: -sigh and gives in-
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY: I like my outfit when I don’t look like a rapper who robbed a store of its Christmas ‘bling’.

This one drives me crazy. I do believe in God. Very much actually but because I’m bitter and cynical in the way I talk, people assume. And we all know what people say about assuming. Ass-U-me.

5) That’s right, you don’t believe in God...

MY RESPONSE: Nope.
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY: Actually I do believe in God and when the time comes for us to die, I'll save you a seat and we can look up at the living together.

Stab me with a fish. I hate this one and I get it at least three times a get together. It makes me crazy when people tell me I can’t do something. It makes me crazier when they tell me I can’t do something I know I can, when they have no idea who I am anymore.

6) I don’t think you could be a teacher.

MY RESPONSE: We’ll see.
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY: You should know, you haven't had a decent conversation with me since I was nine.

So that’s my family and that’s why I get broody around holidays. Because you may be wondering if I was joking or if it’s a typo, I wasn’t and it’s not, I am gay. Super happy all the time. Uh... do I need to say anything else? I never say bling... I am way too uncool to pull that one off. If the girl from that date is reading this, hi, I’m kidding! I think that’s all of it...

I’m sure you can relate to at least one of these right? All in all though, my family isn’t that horrible. Just... unconsciously hurtful? The important thing is that they are always there for me. Or at least, they have been so far. And because I do love them, unless they really piss me off, I’ll never be rude or intentionally hurt them. So, bless my self control I guess. I needed to vent, can you tell?

Lauren.

My French Canadian Grandma

Today was one of those days that were... difficult. I had no idea what I was going to write about because to be honest, it seemed like a bad day no matter which way I looked at it. Until I went to my grandma’s. Yesterday was my mom’s birthday so we’re celebrating it today with my grandparents. As always, the men congregated downstairs, talking and watching and or listening to something involving westerns. The women, assembled in the kitchen. I suppose you could say that we’re a very stereotypical French Canadian family. At least on this side anyway. I’m Irish on the other side. Technically speaking I’m also Irish on this side but it’s a long story.

Anyway, we were sitting at the kitchen table while my grandmother bustled about getting dinner ready. After a few minutes of putting the vegetables to boil, a horribly loud, shrill beeping ripped through the air. We all jumped about three feet in the air before realizing that the fire alarm was going off. No, nothing was on fire. It’s just heat sensitive. Usually quite calm, my grandma snatches the dish cloth from the oven door, stalks through the kitchen muttering “maudite patente à cul” (roughly translating to damn piece of shit), and starts madly beating the dish cloth under the smoke detector. It stopped for a minute, just long enough for her to turn and start to walk away before it beeped again. She turned sharply, beating again and in a raised voice said: “Shut up, I hate you! Shut up!” It was one of the funnier sights I observed this week.

When it finally decided to listen to her, my mom, who by now had cracked open a window and turned on a fan, claimed to need to go to the bathroom. My grandma was still faithfully guarding her post under the smoke detector, which happened to be right in front of the bathroom door. Guess what happened next?

...

If you were thinking, in classic slapstick style, that the fire alarm started going off just as my mom was leaving the bathroom and that my grandma started beating her with a towel, you’re awesome, but you’re also wrong. Personally, that was my hope as well. It was a secret hope until I voiced it, making my mom scowl and my grandma look at me curiously before saying something like: “why would you want me to do that?” The answer is, because it would have been funny and amused me.

What actually happened was that when my mom came out, she stood with my grandma. When my grandma left to get something from the dining room, the alarm started going off. My mom then took up the towel and started beating at the smoke detector, saying in an elevated tone: “Shut up! I hate you!” The only difference between what she looked like and what my grandma looked like was their hair colour and the two or three inches that separate them in height.

Naturally, I sat at the table, watching all of this happen, while laughing. It was funny! Maybe you had to be there. Yes, I’m useless other than to make pointless annoying comments. About two minutes after my mom finished beating the smoke detector, I pulled out my laptop and started documenting. My grandma was like “So you’re going to tell everyone that I swore.” If you run into her, tell her I didn’t.

Since my mother didn’t like my translation of “maudite patente à cul” I shall give you the version she approves of. Word for word, it translates to “damn ass contraption”, which is totally not what my grandma meant. I’m the annoying apple and my mom is the tree. We aren’t far apart. Maybe one day I will beat smoke detectors... Kidding, I've totally already done that.

Lauren.

Princess P. Strikes!

Over the past few days I’ve been on reading week. As the title implies, I should be reading and catching up on my school work. However, Princess Procrastination struck again! Yesterday she fought a day long battle and won, might I add, until about 9 -10 o’clock.

Not only did I wake up later than usual, but I made a massive brunch for myself. I’m talking the whole nine yards of classic breakfast here. Toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, home fries made from scratch. So while Princess Procrastination led me away from school work, she certainly gave me initiative in the kitchen. It took me about half an hour to clean everything and of course, I was watching a movie. After that I puttered, cleaning this and that. At around three or four, Lady Iron-Fist and Professor Task (also called Derek) jumped into my mind. I studiously began working on my term paper proposal and then my sister and her boyfriend arrived and commenced cooking bacon. It was an epic struggle... believe me.

“Cut it this way!”
“Why?”
“Just cut it this way?”
“But why?”
“Because.”
“Do you want a Caesar salad?”
“I don’t like croutons!”

I gave up studying and gave in to Princess Procrastination once more. Monster’s Inc woo! By seven, I had to make supper. After that, I decided to bake cookies while watching The Incredibles. Of course that meant another forty minutes of clean up time. Mmmm cookies!

The day before that, Princess P was at it again. I really didn’t want to read 19th century literature (which I’ll regret come Tuesday) so I coaxed my sister into playing some Wii with me. She bought it a while ago and naturally, kicks my ass every time, but Mario Kart is still fun. After an hour Professor Task got to her and she ditched me. I don’t know how, but I managed to get my father to play Mario Kart with me in her place. This man doesn’t know the difference between Nintento (the original) and the Wii. Anyway, it was enough to get my sister to come back to the dark side. She sat with him, coaching him and giving him tips that she totally never gave me... Snot. But I must say, my father has THE most creative trash talk I have ever heard. He was on his way to calling a computer player a mother f----er, when he stopped himself. Instead it came out mausoleum. He called the player who screwed him over a mausoleum. It was a lot of fun though. Turns out the super driver who drove ambulances (my dad) could not focus on all the little windows. HA! I won! For once. I totally suck.

I fear that Princess Procrastination is going to lose the battle today as well. I looked at my calendar last night and turns out I have two papers due Wednesday coming. Later that night I also have a midterm exam. YAY! I need to invent a super hero that flies in from nowhere and takes me away to the Caribbean or something. Yes, I procrastinated and made one.

http://marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero/820288/name/Lauren/hero/Whisk-Away

She doesn’t have shoes because they’d fall off in flight. She actually doesn’t have any because for whatever reason, whoever designed that activity decided to put feet over clothes. If I went with the whole “in flight” argument I don’t think her dress is the most practical. On the upside, she is wearing underwear. Yay for Whisk-Away! Now, if we all clap our hands together, maybe she’ll come to life and fulfill her sacred duties. Everyone! Clap! ... Crap... I guess that only works with Tinkerbell.

Well, have a good one!

Lauren.

Super-Cool vs Lauren!

Last night, while procrastinating getting to bed, I don’t know why I procrastinated that, I came up with an idea. I have a guy friend, who will be going by the name of CPT. SUPER-COOL, and I decided given my recent man bashing that it would be fun to debate the issue of male stupidity. Basically, it’s this or you get to hear about my homework. (Lauren hears the readers’ voices screaming “debate” in unison). Alright. Debate it is.

The initial question: So, CPT. SUPER-COOL, what have you to say about myself and Mary Poppins thinking the male species deficient intellectually?


CPT. SUPER-COOL:
Hmmm, well you put together compelling prose. I mean, just look to the last few major leaders of the free world. However we do have to look to the initiative and relative intelligence of men that have led to the evolution from everything from art to science. Specially in times that women weren’t allowed to participate, as wrong as that was

Lauren:
Dang it... I'm thinking, oh, I will word something clever. Why did I have to start this at midnight?

CPT. SUPER-COOL
I dunno... lol

Lauren
Smart move on my part. I'm a morning person.

CPT. SUPER-COOL
Lol we can reschedule.

Lauren
Nah. I dunno about relativity as an argument. If you go that route, women are relatively new to the world outside of their homes or typically gendered spheres of influence. Did I use the word spheres before? Anyway, that statement is false, I mean, throughout history women have played an equally important part in evolution. Science, politics, arts all that fun stuff. So there... ein?

CPT. SUPER-COOL
Damn...was hoping you wouldn't catch that. Lol... hold on. ...Nobel Prize ratio? I can't find exact numbers but I'm sure there’s been a majority of men in there

Lauren
Yes well how long have women been actually seen as people. Women in the States didn't have the right to vote until 1919. Furthermore, who's in charge of allocating this prize? I'm talking gender here. I'm also totally looking that up. In the last 108 years only 40 women were awarded Nobel prizes.

CPT. SUPER-COOL
Hmm, this isn’t going as smoothly as it was in my head. Lol

Lauren
Was your plan to destroy me? Ninja wit! It never sleeps!

CPT. SUPER-COOL
Lol no... But at least make an argument that would stand. Heh

Lauren
We can make it petty rather than intellectual. There's no actual way of measuring male stupidity. Plus, look who women have representing them, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Jessica Simpson. These are the women the next generation is looking to.

CPT. SUPER-COOL
Lol good point. Sheesh

Lauren
I mean... we're totally looking to people like... Pink! Who actually has something to say. Or Ellen, who is hysterical and does a lot of good.


There you have it. We started complaining about Megan Fox at that point. Make of it what you will. Before I sign off, I should probably also admit that I actually have no issues with men. Aside from the toilet seat... that really does piss me off.


This is part of our post debate conversation:

Lauren
Yeah... I wrecked you.

CPT. SUPER-COOL
I know. I had a shit night lol. Doesn't help being sleep deprived. O.o VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE! Lol, mwahhahaha.

Keep an eye out in the future! We seriously argue about pretty much everything.

Lauren.

Mary Envy

The other day I was feeling rather crappy so I decided to dig around on youtube and see if I could find some movies I hadn’t seen in a while. I ended up finding Mary Poppins. So for the first time since I was... I don’t know how old, I watched the whole thing. I absolutely loved it. As if I could hate anything where Julie Andrews is singing. The thing is, watching it now was so completely different from watching it when my age was still a single digit.

I don’t think that as a kid I would have understood half of it as it was intended to be. The whole votes for women thing and the whole subservience to man thing wouldn’t have made an impact. Although, the one universal and ageless truth I would have understood is that it’s okay to like men individually, but as a whole, they’re stupid. I didn’t say it, it’s in Mary Poppins... can’t blame me. That is such a bad cop out. I also would have found the whole sexist thing far less amusing as a kid. I love it in older shows when the man of the house thinks he’s completely in control and then some woman comes along and totally owns him. Lovely.

The downside of it was that I now know enough history to be like “oh that is so wrong”. And even though I try not to let my brain ruin it, it does. Stupid brain. The whole chimney sweep thing would have had me in awe as a kid, the singing and dancing. And then I read Blake’s poems on the subject. Through class discussion, I learned that chimney sweeps were poor, young, children who typically died by age seven due to black lung or any number of other health issues related to being in a chimney. Pft... Bert loves being a chimney sweep. Riiiight. My prof actually quoted from Mary Poppins while explaining this. It was fun because he broke out in song and dance for about three seconds. But yeah, permanently blackened skin and lungs are no laughing matter. Seriously. Now I’ve ruined it for you. Sorry.

Aside from all that my Mary Poppins envy was renewed. I wish I could fly around with an umbrella. All mine do is stop my head from getting wet while the rest of me gets soaked because it’s raining sideways. Yes, sideways. People have claimed that a broom would suit me. Well, I’ve tried and that doesn’t work either. Plus, I like the umbrella better. Everyone has a broom, only one person has a talking umbrella. Besides, it would cut my commute to the bus stop in half. NO! It would make the bus a thing of the past! Excellent! I guess the only problem would be if it’s rainy. I wouldn’t want to be a lightning rod. I have enough problems without that. And I’m pretty sure you can only survive electrocution so many times. I’m already at once. Alas, none of that matters, for Mary I am not.

I’d also like to be able to clean by snapping my fingers. Friggin’ Mary Poppins has all the luck. Oh well...

Lauren.

VICTORY IS MINE!

I WIN! Which is what I am laughingly saying to anyone who knows about my placement fiasco. It was all arranged today when I went in to talk to my former English teacher. I start on November 1st. Mwahahahaha! I gloat! After two months of being jerked around I feel entitled.

Anyway, that was only part one of today’s mission. I also had to go to the doctors. Fortunately my doctor’s office is in the mall so I was able to grab lunch and shop a little. I also discovered something particularly insidious at my doctor’s office. My doctor only works between 9-12 four days a week. When I get my appointments, it’s usually around 11 or 12. What do you think they torture people with in the waiting room? Screaming children? There are some but that doesn’t really bug me. Strange smells reminiscent of various body odours? Disturbing, yes, but not bad enough to qualify as torture. Making me wait half an hour past my appointment time? Annoying but far from torture. Nope, they play the food channel on the TV. It’s so mean! There I am, sitting, waiting, hungry because it’s lunchtime and I have to watch all this amazing food. And I say have to because my other options are watching babies scream or watching senior citizens laughing fondly while watching babies scream.

Today it was Iron Chef America and they had to make breakfast foods. Holy crap did it look good. Bacon, my god bacon, waffles, lobster (I didn’t get the breakfast reference but it’s still good!). So I’m watching this, extremely entertained because since being promoted to the kitchen, I actually understand some of the terminology and what they’re doing. There’s probably about fifteen minutes left to when everything is done and plated and all pretty and I get called into the office. Dang it! I have no idea what happened or how anything turned out but once I left the doctor’s office, I got me some A&W. I then tortured the people on the city bus with it. It was kind of funny.

My shopping didn’t however go so well. My mom and my sister’s birthdays are coming up and I’ve absolutely no idea what to get them. While I am a girl, I haven’t ever thought like one. They are GIRLS. I’m the type who would be happy with a book. They don’t read. I’m out of my sphere of expertise. Honestly, I’m at a point where I’m tempted to make them little coupon books. My mom’s would have stuff like: “I won’t be annoying for a day” or “You can hijack me for 2 hours”. My sister’s would have something like “I will lie and say that your boyfriend was nowhere near the premises on a weekend of your choice” or “I won’t call your bedroom ‘the abyss’ for a week.”

But that’s all for me. Any gift suggestions?

Lauren

Out of Principal

Alright, I had this all written up this morning and now I’m glad I didn’t post it. Throughout the course of my day, my frustration has changed focus and now I’m just going to bash a certain man. I apologize to all the good men out there. Aside from a few initial general statements, this report is directed at one man and in no way refers to the entirety of the male species.

Now, whoever had the bright idea to place men in positions of authority, was seriously overestimating them (it was men). Whenever I have to deal with a man rather than a woman, I find that it takes me twice as long to get what I need and find the experience twice as frustrating. Rare exceptions include female bus drivers.

For instance, as part of my program I have to do a 30 hour placement in a classroom. I don’t have to teach, I don’t really have to do anything. I’m there to observe and when possible, assist my host teacher. So I call up my former principal, Lord only knows why. He told me that I could have a placement with my former English teacher. Of course I have to call back to confirm because he hadn’t spoken to her about it.

I called him up again and he goes on about putting out a general email to see who’ll take me. So I’m assuming that it didn’t go so well with my former teacher. Why would a general email be necessary if she’d said yes? I think it was a fair assumption.

When I called back today, to ask the results of this general email, he sounded totally annoyed and said that he thought we’d agreed on my former English teacher. A little taken aback by his attitude, I asked him when I was to come in, stupidly thinking everything was set. Apparently when I decide to arrive is up to me. Thanks to a friendly warning from a third party, I was smart enough to ask him if I (or he) had to speak with the teachers in question before I show up. Confused? Yup, somehow, I don’t remember how, a second teacher got added to the mix. So now I have to go in and figure this mess out with the teachers themselves. Fortunately, I know them to be intelligent women. All of this information was attained after about six voicemails, at least ten phone calls and two visits to the school. Now three visits.

I don’t think I could possibly type the letters WTF large enough to explain the degree of my irritation and at this point, desire to watch him spontaneously combust. Like I said, serious OVERESTIMATION of ability. Or perhaps it isn’t ability that was overestimated but character or intelligence. I don’t know what it is about this man, but he has never liked me. Somehow, I only once lost my temper. I remember that incident involving me storming from his office, giving him a backward wave and shouting that I would see him in detention. Very dramatic, I realize. For anyone who knows me this is about as much a part of my character as Elmer Fudd sharing a happy vegetarian dinner with Bugs Bunny. I haven’t lost my temper like that in years. Anyway, while you try to picture that highly improbable meal, I’m going to do some homework.

Pray that you never meet him. I’m pretty sure four of you are safe...

Lauren.

Follow This

Okay, so after reading a pre-Victorian novel, I decided that it was okay to indulge in some 21st century TV. I was watching Night at the Museum on Showcase and they kept advertising for the showing of Spiderman 3. I don’t know how many of you scarred your vision by watching it, but it got me to thinking. What the heck is up with all these sequels to actually good movies? Spiderman 1 was cool. Spiderman 3 was a bad soap opera with special effects and people made of sand.

Star Wars? The originals are fantastic. They’re an untouchable cultural icon. And then the newer remakes. I don’t think I was supposed to be peeing myself laughing at the end of Episode III when Anakin becomes Darth Vader and discovers that he killed Padma. I’m sorry... anytime a character falls to his knees, throws up his arms and shouts “Nooooooooo!” I’m gonna laugh. Look up the Star Wars Cantina on youtube if you’re a fan. It’s a song about the original three.

Indiana Jones. You’re going to think I’m obsessed but I’m not. I think it’s the sequel that pisses me off most. Raiders was awesome. The Temple of Doom wasn’t my favourite, I like the Family Guy Version better. Oh Stewie... Anyway, my favourite is The Last Crusade. Get it? Last Crusade? As in, shouldn’t be another one? I was completely unimpressed with the whole alien thing. Like a space ship taking off? Really? Secretly I think Lucas is trying to merge Indiana and Star Wars. Who knows, perhaps in the future we’ll have Indy in space with a lightsabre whip being helped along by the offspring of Leah and Solo. How Indy lived that long will be a mystery.

What bugs me is that these people are taking classic films and wrecking them. Well, maybe not classic, but good movies and wrecking them. Just so it doesn’t seem like I’m picking on George Lucas, I’ll bring up other instances.

Miss Congeniality. The first one was funny. When I was thinking of going into criminology for the RCMP my friends referred to me as the Canadian Gracie Hart. “Sarcasm and a gun” haha we laughed. I so would not want to be the Gracie Hart from the second Miss Congeniality. I don’t care enough about Dolce.

Legally Blonde. First one was funny. Second one... not so much, kinda dumb. I can’t even muster up the will to watch the third one.

Pirates of the Caribbean. Anyone else notice the music is the same song played on repeat nonstop throughout the entire movie? I think it’s starting to go on, and on, and on. Elizabeth, I love you! We can’t be together, I must marry the older dude! Elizabeth, I still love you. Sorry, can’t marry you, we’re being arrested Will. Elizabeth, I friggin’ love you man! Yeah, but now you have to sail around and can only come on land once every ten years... am I really supposed to be faithful?

My list goes on... but I’ll stop here. Then of course there are the remakes but that’s a whole other story. Bewitched with Nicole Kidman anyone? So that’s my rant for the day. Without work or school nothing seems to happen! I’ll have to figure out something to do tomorrow.

Lauren.

Remote World

Tonight’s post is coming to you courtesy of my parents. For whatever reason they cannot operate a remote control. I will admit that it’s not the easiest thing in the world in our house. We have five remotes: one for the TV, one for the satellite, one for the VCR, another for the DVD player and let’s not forget, one for the surround sound. In spite of there being five remotes, the buttons on each of them, at last the ones that we use, are all the same. Pause, play, stop, fast forward, volume up and volume down. And still, every time, my parents seem to require assistance.

“Lauren! How do I get this off the screen!”
“Lauren! Why isn’t this working?”
“Lauren! Where’s the back of the remote?”

Don’t even get me started on computers. The other day I tried to explain what a web browser was and what it did. I doubt anything I said made sense.

Thankfully, this ranting does have a point. One of my aunt’s house sits rather frequently for her various friends and neighbours. I guess that this one person she was helping out had an awesome TV or movie collection. One or the other. Like my parents, my aunt is technologically... inexperienced. So the woman she was helping out photocopied her remote and marked out what the various buttons did. She then wrote out the order in which they were to be pressed.

Personally, I think it’s an awesome idea. I would do it too except that if I did photocopy everything required to help my parents understand technology, I’d have a technical manual written. On the upside, I could then sell it for a couple hundred bucks. In my first year of university I spent over seventy bucks on an SPSS textbook. Basically this thing was about 5 inches by 5 inches, was about fifty pages long, was filled with screenshots and point formed notes with no explanations whatsoever about what was going on in the screenshot or how to perform that action. So maybe it’s not a bad idea for me to give up on fiction and go into school manuals.

At this very moment, I’m watching my mother try to un-mute the TV with the wrong remote. I actually told her that but she decided to try her luck anyway. Oh, there we go. She got it. I’m so proud.

As you can see, I didn’t really have a whole lot to say today. I spent most of it catching up on sleep and my school work. I know, fascinating. Anyway, I’m off for tonight.

Lauren.

Holiday Veggicide

On this day I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family. My grandparents and my great aunt came over, as well as my sister’s boyfriend. It was quite the happy event. I only once had to bring out my secret boyfriend Frank. He lives in my attic and only comes out when I need him. My grandpa seemed to find this answer amusing. Little does he know that Frank’s been up there for five years now... I don’t feed him. Aside from that I discussed my plans to become a spinster with a zillion cats who turns on the sprinklers when kids walk on her lawn. My aunt looked at me and said: “And you want to be a teacher?” People always say that after talking to me...

Anyway, my mom made the classic Thanksgiving feast. There was an amazing turkey, potatoes, stuffing, green beans with roasted almonds, turnip and carrots and of course, pumpkin pie. Sooooo good. This fantastic spread did however make me think of something. Actually, it was the combination of food, my vegan friend and Bonnie reintroducing me to the Arrogant Worms that caused me to think about veggicide. Yes, veggicide.

Since it’s ridiculously a propos for Thanksgiving, I thought I would share this song. It’s by the Arrogant Worms and it’s called Carrot Juice is Murder.

I haven’t yet figured out how to upload just music so here’s the youtube link. I’ll get there... I’m new to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmK0bZl4ILM

So, I think we should all consider both sides of the argument. Dead animals versus dead vegetables. It seems that no matter which way we go we’re killing something. I say we should kill things in a balanced, preservation centered manner and stop judging one another for our preferences. The killing of other people is obviously excluded from that argument. I played Carrot Juice is Murder for my mom and she assured me that she now felt guilty. Not two seconds later she was bearing down on the potatoes with a masher. Murder in harmony.

And that was my Thanksgiving. It was quiet and very nice.

If you enjoyed the Arrogant Worms song and feel like looking them up, I also like the Assumption Song. I would post it here but then I’d have to warn people about the content on my blog and that seems like too much effort. From what I can see, a lot of their songs center on Canada. If you do check it out, let me know what you think.

I forgot! Special welcome to follower five! Snuggies in the corner!

Lauren.

Thankfully Thanksgiving

Well, it appears that I’ve attracted a new follower. Welcome. Since you seem to be into movie lines “I shake you warmly by the hand!” And in response to your question, of course following me isn’t stalkerish. Me calling you a follower is cultish. By the way, matching red robes are in the corner, help yourself. They’re actually Snuggies but what the hell. (Look up the WTF blanket on youtube) I thought they were cultish before looking them up on youtube.

Anyway, today was kind of crappy so I’m not going to talk about what happened. Instead I’m going to make a list in honour of Thanksgiving being this weekend (sorry to American readers, I’ll send my greetings to you in... November?) I shall write the things I am thankful for.

The following are in no particular order. So for those who know me, back off! Friends you aren’t less important to me than my cat... –shifty eyes–­

1) Family and Family dinners. Without them, it might have taken me ages to figure out why I’m unbalanced. Furthermore, without my grandfather, how would I have known that I’d at last come into my womanly shape? (This statement was complete with hour glass hand gestures) I was 19 or 20 when he told me this.

2) My cat aka Meeko. He’s a great outlet for my insanity. Talking to him always makes me feel better. Plus, it’s great practice for the spinster years to come. I do love him though. He’s a great space heater.

3) My bosses and job. I know it doesn’t always sound like I love it, but I truly do. They’re like my second family except cooler in the sense that they want and try to get me drunk and they pay me. And I get Chinese food for supper all the time!

4) My friends. The ones who listen to me whine and complain. They make me think I’m funny and smart when I’m probably not and they’re always first to laugh when I do something clumsy. Like get my head stuck in a fridge. Which actually happened I’m afraid to say. They’re great at making me see the lighter side even when I’m distracted by the cookies offered by the dark side.
5) My therapist! She’s so great. I actually have fun in therapy... well... when I can anyway. And who else would cruise dating sites with me? And who else would look at me like I’d grown a second head after making a TV reference. Seriously... she can’t remember Raiders of the Lost Ark... gah!

6) Life in general. Because even though most days are difficult and make me want to pull my hair out, I can still believe that tomorrow will be better. (YOU’D BETTER BE LISTENING GOD! ARE YOU READING THIS?) And on the upside, for those who’ve been following me a few days now, it finally stopped raining.

7) Thanks to those who read this and to those who comment. I love writing and it’s great having someone read me again.

To fellow Canucks happy Thanksgiving or whatever it is you celebrate. Screw it, Happy Long Weekend! To those in other countries, I shall eat and rest for you. That’s my excuse. Have patience, your equivalent holiday will come!

One last thing: Four Followers! Wootness!

Lauren

LAST DAY!

I kind of really like the whole Princess Procrastination thing so I think it’ll come up again. Plus, what are the odds that I’ll have something interesting to say about my life for every day of the week. So look for Princess Procrastination in some ridiculous adventure next week. I accidentally came up with a sidekick and another villain while talking to my friends. They of course were making fun of me but the laugh will be on them! Mwahahaha!

I don’t actually have a whole lot to say today. It was the last day before reading week and it feels like I was going from 8 until 5. From class to class and appointment to appointment... man I am tired.

19th Century Lit: I get an A on my To a Sky-Lark paper! We also had a pop quiz. One of the questions was “The lion is alone and so am ­­­___" Couldn't figure it out for the life of me. I shouldn’t make fun. Before he made the questions this brain dead I wasn’t doing that well. His comments on my sheet were always “Hmmm”.

In therapy I learned that: “I am a girl” and that it “sucks to be me”. I know... weird huh? Particularly the being a girl. It was a total shock. I should probably explain these comments. Physically I’ve always known I’m a girl. I mean, despite the facts that I can lift and carry over fifty pounds of stock and that I'm covered in animal guts for at least six hours a week, I am in fact a girl on the inside. As to the sucks to be me, I’m in a kind of impossible situation that will only be solved with time. Alas, this is the reality of life.

In my meeting with my prof: He asked me what the article he’d assigned me was about. Thankfully I was able to give an intelligent answer. Of course our little chat made me fifteen minutes late for my next class but when else would I get the opportunity to talk to my prof about sodomy, bestiality, bigamy and religious officials engaging in sexual behaviours. The article was about repression of these behaviours by the Spanish Inquisition but I don’t think the Inquisition repressed a whole hell of a lot.

Next and finally came my Media 1 class. In spite of showing up late, I didn’t miss a whole lot. We were just discussing articles and midterms. After which I found out that I was in the minority of people who knew who Annie Lennox was before we researched her website... sometimes I wonder about people...

So now I’m free for seven days. Not really... I have Alps of homework. Not one mountain but a series of them. Did anyone know Spandex was an anagram for expands? Anywhoser, that’s about it for me. Hopefully I can sleep in a bit tomorrow.

Lauren

I Returned to my Closet and Found...

So today was... bleh. I spent a small portion of my sociology class contemplating what I would write for today and came up with nada. Actually, I was interested in today’s lecture so that’s partially why I came up with nothing. Definitely thought about it in History of Sexuality. You’d think it would be interesting but not so much... Anyway, rather than bore you with a retelling of me staring out the windows at more rain and boring myself in the process, I think I’m going to continue on with the Princess Procrastination thing.

While procrastinating, I went a-googling and discovered that Marvel Comics has a feature on their site where you can design your own super hero. Naturally I took advantage. I created not only Princess Procrastination (who was unfortunately reduced to Princess P...) but her two arch-enemies, Professor Task and Lady Iron-Fist! I had an issue downloading them so I can only post the links. I hope you find them as funny as I did.

Princess Procrastination:
http://marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero/809581/name/Joe/hero/Princess%20P
Note that her belt doesn’t match and that she’s wearing two different boots. She waited until the last minute to get dressed and had to rush out the door. She’s supposed to wear the pair with the knee pads... for that added safety. She did fall off a building after all.

Professor Task:
http://marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero/809595/name/jsd/hero/Professor%20task
Yup, his weapon is a giant stick so that he can beat knowledge into his students. Also note the army green shirt. He’s quite the task master. The scarf is just to distinguish him a little. Professors have to appear professional after all.

Lady Iron-Fist:
http://marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero/809600/name/sdf/hero/Lady%20Iron-Fist
Another professor. She rules her classroom with an iron fist. She throws you off with her stunning sense of style then WHAM! throws homework at you, spits out ludicrous deadlines and fails you for turning in assignments late.

Embittered by their less than stellar post secondary years, Professor Task and Lady Iron-Fist have returned to make life as miserable for students as they can. Only Princess Procrastination is strong enough to go up against them. She uses her deadly shrimp throwing to stun her adversaries but takes her own sweet time to do it! As expected, this delay drives our villains mad and forces them to surrender out of pure impatience.

As a child Professor Task attended a military academy where he adopted his “hammer it into their heads” philosophy. He just went a couple thousand steps too far. He never worked hard enough even though he developed carpal tunnel from writing essays on more than one occasion. Only by returning to school could he possibly take his revenge!

As to Lady Iron-Fist, she was raised in a law abiding home. There were so many limitations she felt as though she was suffocating. That’s when she discovered the true power of rules and regulations. She found that only in a scholastic institution could she truly exercise her preferred method of torture to its fullest extent.

You already know about Princess Procrastination, but if you have other questions regarding my musings, my sanity or this new alternate reality, drop me a line. Can you still say that? Drop me a line? Just post a comment or email me.

If you want to create your superhero follow the link below. Thanks Marvel!
http://marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero#

Lauren.

The Adventures of... Princess Procrastination!

In light of my bad luck today, which has finally seemed to resurface, I’ve decided that it’s also time for my superhero identity to re-emerge. –Spins around- And now I am Princess Procrastination! I don’t like the abbreviation though... still working on it. Bear with me. By the way, my secret weapon is shrimp. I hurl it at people with deadly accuracy. I still maintain that they are somehow venomous... or maybe I’m mildly allergic... I don’t know.

BEEP! BEEP!
Well, there goes my alarm and looking out the window, it’s another rainy day! I decided to take the mommy taxi to school rather than sleep twenty minutes longer and walk to the bus stop fifteen minutes away. So I’m already partially unconscious and I haven’t even done anything.

SLAP!
I handed in my essay on To a Sky-Lark all proud of myself for handing it in early (we had the whole month). I chose to be responsible and get it done before midterms. Not five minutes after handing it in my prof comes around the class and distributes the term paper essay questions. I was ahead of the game for all of three seconds.

NOM! NOM!
On the bright side, the Women’s Center had cookies which I happily ate while speaking to a very special person. His name is actually Ian but he apparently is also going by the name The-Feminist-Formerly-Known-as-Ian. Thankfully Bonnie came up with an abbreviation. It’s pronounced Tefkey.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!
I ate lunch with my group from Media 1 because we were divvying up the workload for our presentation. A topic of discussion was how easy it is to be an English major. LIES! Nails on a chalk board.

SPLISH! SPLAT!
It’s the end of the day, waiting for my ride with my sister (the mommy taxi again) and it start pouring rain. POURING! I don’t know why we didn’t wait inside... we were covered so it’s not like it was raining on us.

SCRAPE! CLINK! #$%&!
After being at school from 8:00 until 5:00 I went to work. I had to cook, do dishes and set the dinning room. By this time, it’s coming up on ten o’clock and all I want to do is go home. Like ET except my house is only fifteen minutes away rather than fifteen galaxies. The evening has been relatively incident free. Then I dropped a full tea cup... three times. Surprisingly, it wasn’t empty until the third time I dropped it. In the process of this droppage, I dirtied two trays, a table, my shoes and probably the carpet. Don’t tell my boss.

RIIIIIIIIIP!
So at last I’m at home, happy, ready to relax. I get into the bathroom, desperately in need of a shower and I discover that the underwire to my favourite bra is no longer so much under. I was quite unimpressed and pushed it back in. I’ll deal with it later. I’m too tired to care all that much now.

So, in spite of my super powers, I think I got my ass handed to me today. Although I must admit, all of this is going to be hysterical to me in the morning. I hope you at least laughed. I’d be laughing now if it didn’t require as much energy. Anyway, I think I’m going to bed.

And with a flourish of her cape, Princess Procrastination trips, falls off her perch on a skyscraper and remembers she can fly at the last possible second. She lands on the ground safely, looks around, and pleased that no one saw, disappears into the night.

Lauren

Bump or Squish?

Due to an epidemic of rain, my first ever photo shoot was postponed. Dang. In any case, since I promised pictures, I shall provide.

On my way home from school today I was almost hit by two cars. Yah-freakin’-hoo. I was crossing one of the worst streets in town (I was not jaywalking) and this idiot woman decided to try her turn in spite of my being in the way. She gracefully waved me across, forfeiting her right to continue driving over my body. Can you imagine how grateful I was? It was so tempting to walk over to her door, pull it open and ask her the following: “Hi, if you hit me, your car goes bump, I on the other hand go squish. Which do you think is worse? Bump or squish?” I resisted the urge. Later, a little over a block from my house, some (forgive me for slipping into my father’s lingo) old man in a hat, pulls out in front of me and takes off at an impressive 10km/h. It was vital that he make it to the red light. Seriously though, bump or squish?

It’s not like I’m invisible.

This Paint picture was drawn by my friends and is unfortunately fairly accurate to how I dress in winter. My coat is purple, I wear jeans and the boots are tan, not yellow. My bag (which is obviously missing) is red. Bright red. That stands out pretty badly against the purple. As to my fashion sense, no, it’s not that bad. I realize these items don’t really go together but I have to walk home and I live in Canada. It’s cold. I need the construction looking boots and the winter jacket. Plus, my bag is pretty, I’m not changing that regardless of my winter coat.

To further explain this picture, I tend to complain about our city’s inability to properly sand sidewalks resulting in my slipping a lot. To make fun of me, my friends have depicted me scattering my cat’s unused litter so that I can walk without fear of slipping. While it’s a funny idea, I haven’t ever done this.

Because one picture is hardly enough to compensate for what you could have seen, I’ll also add this one. I don’t remember where I got it, but I did not take it, I found it online a while ago.

When I recently found it again, by recently I mean last night while tidying my computer, it made me think of five things. The first is, “Buddy, I totally know how you feel. I’m tired too.” The second was: if I were quick enough, I could get my head in there and not have to worry about my term paper consultation. The third is, “Wow, Crest Whitestrips is catering to lions now?” Fourth was, “I wonder how cold it is” (because you can see his breath). Lastly “Is that his breath or are they stink-lines from his dead antelope smelling breath?”

That’s the daily news according to me.

Lauren.

Thoughts of a Reject

Since I know everyone in the world is dying to know, my day was divided into three parts. The first part was shopping, the second homework and the third hanging out with friends and watching movies on yet another crappy day.

While shopping, I had several interesting moments. The first occurred in Mark’s Work Wearhouse. I don’t know if it’s an American chain but just in case, they sell some pretty nice clothes. Got me two sweaters. Anyway, while in line, I was acting like a reject, as I’m prone to doing and had a... we’ll say epiphany. I just like the word. Ever notice how sunglasses are now big enough to cover three quarters of your face, how guys pants and shirts always seem to be four sizes too big and how those massive rings are in style? For a society currently loving oversized fashion trends, why the hell are we picking on people who aren’t a size two? Or are they being picked on now too? Fellow healthy and overweight people of the universe, I call your attention to this issue so that you may go forth and spread my thought. Call me if you find out the reasoning behind it. The second occurrence happened at WalMart. I was in the express checkout line. Again, to be a reject, I turned to my mom and cried in dismay “Where do I go?” because the machine wouldn’t tell me. She just laughed and I could tell she wanted to tell me where I could go.

The homework portion of today went well. I was on my bed reading and before I knew it was asleep. So once again I got nothing done. Oh well...

As to the hanging out with friends, it was quite interesting. My two friends had never met but knew of each other through me. We ended up watching Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark. My one friend is a total movie buff. The other probably hasn’t seen a movie made before 1990. We chose today to introduce our young comrade to the wonders of Indy. In a strange twist, she cringed, finding several things gross when she’d managed to watch the Saw movies. I haven’t seen the Saw movies but I’m pretty sure they’re worse than Indiana.

It was fun though. Nice to get away from the realities of school work, work work and family inspired drama. In another week I should have a really interesting entry. My photographically inclined friend Mel just got a fancy camera and is dying to practice. Since I’m an awesome friend, I volunteered to help. So... photo shoot! What’s the best way to get a laugh? Stick a klutz in front of a camera. I’m strangely excited.

Well, that’s all for me. See if I can get some homework done without falling asleep this time.

Lauren

Of Fifth Wheels and Lord Voldemort

And here we are, on the first day of the weekend I’ve been anticipating for the last two weeks. Thus far, I’ve cleaned and dusted my room, failed to shower, angered my boss and am now in the process of writing another essay for my 19th century English class. I also watched three episodes of Cranford, lent to me by my boss. If you like Victorian-esque programs, you’d probably enjoy it.

So while I'm dismantling the 105 lines of Percy Shelley's “To a Sky-Lark” my parents finished making supper and my sister came home from work, accompanied by her boyfriend. Now, I’m not that great at math, but I managed to figure out during dinner that our numbers came to five. More often than not, I’ve been treated to the position of third wheel owing to my decisions not partake in the consumption of alcohol or smokable substances. Being the fifth wheel (not the giant trucks though, some days I feel about as wide as one, those are bad days) is taking some getting used to, particularly in my own home. Being the bitter, sarcastic, annoyed person that I am, I’ve come up with certain survival strategies so that I can maintain my sanity.

1) HIDE! It’s when they see you that bad things happen.

2) Complain. Mainly because it’s fun. I’m on step two. Can you tell?

3) Eat. Food is good, particularly while watching a movie in bed. It also numbs the feelings arising from the fact that you’re eating in bed, with your cat on a Saturday night. I’m preparing for my role as crazy cat lady. I like being ready! Stop looking at me like that!

4) Swear and warn that as soon as you find someone that you will be ten times more cutesy and disgusting! Which I will be... oh I will be!

5) Sleep. You can’t think while unconscious. Unless you’re dreaming but if you’re like me, you won’t remember your dreams in the morning

Step five isn’t totally true. I remember a dream I had where everything was iced over and I had to get home. Half way there, I met up with Lord Voldemort. He was at the bus stop. For whatever reason, he was wearing the sun glasses from the Johnny Depp version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Together we decided that the evil now upon us was much worse than Lord Voldemort. So we teamed up and walked back to my place where I went into labour and gave birth to twins. I woke up at that point and laughed because seriously, what else can you say other than: “What the hell?” or for those of you who are savvy with your web lingo “WTF?” I actually said the long version of WTF followed by a snort of laughter before going back to sleep. I kind of wish I could have gone back to that dream. I’m curious who got me pregnant.

Anyway, that’s today’s taste of insanity direct from me, Lauren, to you, my growing harem of readers. Up to three! I don’t care if I know two of you. It’s still three!

Happy Saturday!

Lauren.

Edward Cullen... Pffft!

At least two readers! Yay me! Or is that YAY you for reading me?! YAY!

To be honest, I was completely bored out of my mind today. Felt a whole lot like I was watching paint dry. First came the walk to the bus, then the education class, then a fantastic BLT which I enjoyed with David Copperfield (the literary one) before heading off to work. Disregarding the moments when I accidentally kicked a radiator, got my foot stuck in the kitchen door and suffered stinging burns due to splattering oil, nothing really happened.

Now the issue... what am I going to talk about? Umm... Okay, got it. I am going to rant about Edward Cullen and the crap he gets away with because he’s a vampire and good looking. I’m not talking about Robert Pattinson. I really don’t care about Robert Pattinson. If you come across this while googling your own name, I’m sorry Robert Pattinson, but you aren’t that interesting. I should probably also mention that I have read the Twilight saga and enjoyed it. I just don’t get the fuss over the dudes in these books.

Issue 1: Watching People Sleep.
First it involves breaking in. Second, it’s totally creepy! Oh, I’d slap you silly mister! I have large, wide and very rough hands, it’ll hurt. (Again, not Robert Pattinson).

Issue 2: Stop Following!
I find Edward obsessive and possessive. As if one ‘essive’ wasn’t enough! BACK OFF! Give the girl some room to breathe while she’s still human. (Bella, not me. I plan to remain human.)

Issue 3: Broody Addiction.
Addictions are bad. Addictions to people aren’t love. They’re obsessions. Obsessions are bad. Brooding over addiction and obsessions is bad and not active in resolving the issue. The issue being YOU’RE CREEPY!

So that’s my rant about Edward. I have similar issues with Jacob but I did like him MUCH better. Although, I will admit... in the end I was... glad... to see Bella and Edward together... God that hurts to say. In case anyone is wondering what the hell this was all about, I have a bit of a personal grudge type issue with Edward. Not Robert Pattinson. Well, I don’t like his hair, looks like it needs a good wash... but I’ve never met him so no serious issue. I know it doesn’t sound like it but I did really like the books and recommend them. They’re an enjoyable, easy read.

And Kathryn, since I’m living at home I let my parents clean the litter box. I don’t actually know about Meeko’s regularity. I’m sure it helps? As to pizza, he does like the olives and ham. It’s fun to throw the olives and watch him run for them. His flub flies from side to side. That’s all for me! Good night all!

Lauren.

New Substance, New Fears

I’m writing from the library today. Not actually. I’m home now, but when I wrote this I was in the school library. I had a few hours to blow between classes... so sue me if I don’t do school work all the time. Aside from being another gloomy day, (the only thing outside making me smile is the geese as they do battle on the pond), all seems to be going fairly well. The weekend cometh!

In light of my lack of things to say about myself, I would like to address a rather serious issue that has befallen someone I love very dearly.

A decade ago, I went to the local humane society with my family and together, we adopted Meeko. He was the most adorably pathetic little kitten I’d ever seen. However, now a rather overweight ten year old, Meeko seems to be living a midlife crisis. I cannot in good conscience disregard my role. Jokingly I would make fun of him, calling him Flubbs and Saddlebags. If only I’d known the effect it would have on his fragile ego. If only I’d known it would lead to a serious Feline Yogurt Addiction, FYA for short.

I seem to be the only one to recognize the gravity of the situation. My parents are enablers and I can’t believe that they know the true extent to which Meeko craves Activia. Now, when he hears the top peel off the container, he meows his plight, trailing after whoever has his preferred drug in their possession. He sits with wide, shining eyes, not unlike Shrek’s Puss in Boots, begging for even the smallest taste. Only when the Enablers at last relent is he satisfied. For ten to fifteen minutes, face forced as deep as possible inside the container, he licks at the barren plastic walls, ensuring that it truly is empty. He’ll then scamper off to await the next person to open the refrigerator, all the while licking his mouth. It’s getting worse.

Please, if you have no sense of humour, keep yogurt away from your pets, though cats seem to be most susceptible to forming addictions. Thus far we pet owners have only had to fear catnip, but there’s a new drug now and it’s in our homes. That drug is yogurt. Let us all be vigilant in the times to come.

By the way, for anyone (if there is anyone) reading this, I managed to shave yesterday! Woot!

Lauren.