In the Middle

I found myself in a rather unique position today; one I can say that I’ve never been in before. Maybe it’s strange, I don’t know, but I never had any regrets or desire to change anything from my past. Everything that’s happened to me has made me who I am. And I love who I am.

I was surprised this morning, totally caught off guard actually, and all of a sudden I couldn’t say so definitively that I didn’t have regrets or a desire to change events from my past. It was a very strange feeling and that same feeling is now bugging the crap out of me. It’s a very complicated situation, but at the same time, it’s very simple.

Some people mark our lives, for better or worse. There’s only one person in/out of my life that fits into both categories. She makes up my best and favourite memories while also making up the most difficult and worst. She was my sister, my best friend, the one person who knew just about everything about me. I only ever kept one secret from her and I don’t think it was much of a secret. We pulled each other out of dark, scary places more than once. Saying goodbye to her, growing apart from her were the two hardest things I’ve lived.

I didn’t think twice about my goodbye letter. I knew it was what I had to do. Not what I wanted by any means. But I knew that I couldn’t relate to who she’d become. I thought twice today. I was at my placement, in front of a new class, preparing to give a presentation about puns. In the middle of the room was my best friend’s brother. For months now I’ve been able to think of her as little as humanly possible. But with him sitting there... I started thinking about everything she told me the last time we spoke, about the things she wrote me in her last email. It seems that I can’t have her in my life but that I can’t get her out of it either. I wish things were different.

Anyway, apart from that I had a really good but really busy day. My second pun presentation went much better. I was with “my regular class”. It was really cool. The kids were participating, asking questions, laughing, calling me Madame Daily (which was weird). It was a nice way to end my placement. I also visited my grandma. We had a good visit in which we discussed the disintegration of today’s educational system and the destruction of the English and French language by today’s youth. What else... I went to work after that. We had a lot of takeout orders which was strange but kind of nice. I’m also now supposed to teach Helen how to ride a bike. She never learned so I volunteered. We’ll see if it actually happens.

Kind of a surprising, tiring day. It was good, but I’m glad it’s over.

Lauren.