Not the greatest day. The dystemia has me down. I’m trying very hard not to let it get out of control but with the lack of sleep, it’s kind of difficult. So as I’m writing this, I’m feeling the beginning of an anxiety attack.
For those who are curious, it’s starts with my mind racing. Writing is helping because it’s focusing my thoughts on one thing. Otherwise it would be jumping all over the place. I can also feel a tightness in my chest. Actually physically feel it. It’s around my heart. I don’t really know how to describe it but it’s like a pressure that tingles. It makes me feel very agitated and like I want to move, or scream or anything (often break things) just to get rid of the energy. Breathing feels funny. Then I usually feel a kind of queasiness in my stomach, a little like nervous butterflies mixed with a feeling like I’m going to be sick. I know I won’t be sick, but that’s what it feels like. My heart beats a little faster and a little louder, to my ears anyway. I’m also extremely sensitive.
If I weren’t writing, I would probably settle on one thought and then my Inner Bitch would take over. I like to think of her as a worm-like creature. She seeks out those weaknesses, the things I don’t like about myself, the things that make me self conscious, my fears, and she burrows there and exploits them. She plays them over and over in my mind and no matter where my mind jumps, I feel like I’m not good enough, like there’s something wrong with me.
It’s frustrating because cognitively I know that nothing is wrong with me, that I’m a great person and that my Inner Bitch couldn’t be more wrong. But it’s all so overwhelming that I can’t help but feel it. I want to tell myself that I’m okay, but I’m not. What I’m feeling is not okay. I don’t feel okay. (NEVER tell someone they're okay while they're having a panic attack. They aren't okay. I always told myself "You'll get through this, it's anxiety" and repeated it over and over until I calmed down).
It’s around here that I look for something calming, something that helps me relax or takes me out of the situation I’m in. Right now I’m in my room alone. People usually aggravate me when I’m like this. I don’t like being around them because I tend to react harshly and it’s not their fault. I’m laying back on my bed, I have my blankets, they wrap around me and isolate me, they’re warm and soft and though I can still feel the tightness, and the queasiness, my mind is slowing down. It’s going to take a bit for me to actually fully calm down again, but this is what I go through.
Sometimes I get dizzy, sometimes I get completely irrational, sometimes I break down in tears begging for it to stop, sometimes I’ll be crying and wake up a few hours later feeling totally empty, just blank. I try to stop the anxiety before I get to any of these points but it doesn’t always work.
In the end, I’m always really sleepy afterward. I hope this explains why I’m tired a lot of the time. It requires a lot of energy to manage my moods. It takes a lot of inner dialogue, a lot of reasoning with myself, a lot of self control, a huge amount of self awareness. And this is on top of medication which also makes me drowsy and tired. Go figure. Now you see why I need Angela. It’s not enough to take a pill. You have to know yourself, know how you work and know what you have to do to deal appropriately when anxiety springs up.
I don’t know about you, but I feel a bit better. I hope I haven’t scared you too much. Actually, I hope you can take something away from this... whoever you may be.