Like Grandma, Like Granddaughter

I feel like I’ve written the same thing twelve times over. I want to bash my head into my keyboard. If I write the beginning of Chapter 2 one more time, I will attack someone. Or more likely something. Objects are less likely to press charges. I think in actuality I’ve started that chapter over five or six times. I have it practically memorized and that is a feat in and of itself. I can barely remember what I ate for supper and that was four hours ago.

But enough about that. I’m mad at it. On to the better events of today. I went to my grandma’s. It was a very interesting visit. I had a moment with my grandfather which almost never happens because in spite of now being bigger, stronger, faster and more mentally aware than he is, he still scares me. Goes to show that people never do forget. To make matters more surprising, our little moment was over a car. My family still abides by the age old tradition of women in the kitchen, men... wherever men want to be. He actually listened to me, an inferior female, talk about a car... it weirded me out. After that I hung out in the kitchen with my grandma and my mom. While we chatted, I made another important discovery.

My grandma was feeling particularly talkative today, so she dug into her vast repertoire, I’m not being sarcastic, she really does have a ton of stories, and pulled out one that made me think. Apparently when she was thirteen, there was a guy she really didn’t like. One winter day, she saw him coming and tripped him, causing him to fall in a snow bank. Totally something I would do, but she didn’t stop there. She kinda jumped on him and started washing his face with snow. She says washing; I imagine it more along the lines of her shoving snow in his face. Meanwhile, she had a little crowd cheering her on. Why do I find this interesting? For one it’s friggin’ awesome. Also, I think she’s done that to more than one guy. I seem to remember a similar story but different circumstances. Why would my grandma do such a thing? Their property had a lot of hills for sliding and this really annoying guy was using them as well. She just didn’t feel like tolerating him. To be fair, he was trespassing.

I have quite a temper but I never really knew from where it hailed. My grandpa’s temper is so much more extreme than mine. I never knew my other grandparents, though apparently they were very no nonsense as well. So far, I think my grandma has demonstrated a humour very similar to my own. I am honoured to share that with her. Because God I would love to shove some people’s faces in the snow. I think I would have gotten along very well with grandma when she was a teenager. Although, we probably would have been an absolutely terrifying duo. Would be fun to see anyway.

Lauren.

Another Lazy Day

A rather uneventful boring day. What shall I talk about? I haven’t a clue. Hmmm let’s see. How about five things I was too lazy to do today.

1. Put away my laundry. For some reason I don’t mind washing it or folding it, I just really hate putting it away.
2. Finishing the second chapter of my novel. I still have some time but I doubt I will. I worked on it at least.
3. Bake. I’ve had a strange craving for oatmeal raisin cookies but I haven’t gotten around to making them. At first it was because I doubted my ability to be able to stand that long, then because of the heat and lack of AC.
4. Actually get dressed. I’m still partially in my pyjamas which is kind of gross I admit. My feet are also cold but I haven’t put on socks.
5. Finish reading Dracula. My God am I dragging that sucker out! Ha! Sucker... Okay, totally lame.

My goodness I’ve had a lazy day. On the upside, I bathed. I made a pretty good chicken sandwich for supper and a really good brunch of eggs, toast and homemade home fries. I also played a game of Scrabble with my mom. I won, 204 to 188. I don’t suck as bad at word games as I do at cards. Mwahahaha! Oh, and my head in the sand philosophy is working wonders.

Freud: Lauren, you should not ignore your problems.

Lauren: I was wondering when you would reappear.

Freud: It seems you’re vonce again heving a problem.

Lauren: Am not! Meet my friend the ostrich. [Lauren pulls a live ostrich from behind her back]

Freud: Vhere on Earth did you pull zat from?

Lauren: I have secrets. Now, Mr. Ostrich, please demonstrate why I do not have a problem. [Ostrich sticks its head in the sand] Not bad eh? I thought of that all by myself.

Freud: Yes... and it shows. I suggest talking about it.

Lauren: But that would violate the head in the sand thing I have going on. I don’t like that idea. Besides, I’m committed to my plan.

Freud: Vhy do you imagine me if you never listen?

Lauren: Meh, I like having a second perspective. I value options.

Freud: That may be but I value being listened to.

Lauren smirking: Sorry what was that? I was distracted by the movie.

Freud: You mast be ze most obstinate patient I heve ever been forced to see.

Lauren: You love me the way I am.

Freud: Lauren, you’re imagining me. I’m not real. You dictate every aspect of my existence.

Lauren: Yes, and I’m imagining you love me the way I am. Now scoot. Movie’s on.


So that was my day. What don’t you do on lazy days?

Lauren.

Simple Solutions Are Best

I’m having an issue. My friends think I’m being silly (what else is new). It was my first day back at work and I got to cut up about a million onions. I hate onions so much. But that’s not my issue. I also met the new girl. To put it simply, in the short time I got to talk to her, she ticked a crapload of boxes on the girlfriend material list. In spite of what my blog may lead you to believe, not many people tick boxes on that list.

What’s my issue? In the past I’ve fallen for women who were wildly inappropriate, painfully broken and completely straight. For obvious reasons, nothing ever happened with any of them. And that’s pretty much my dating history in a nutshell. I really don’t feel like repeating that cycle again. It was annoying enough the first three times.

While I would love to come up with a complicated solution, like... becoming a robot! Wait... that didn’t work out so well for Darth Vader. And he was from the future. Or can we say he’s from the past? Can he even be considered a robot? He still has some human... I dunno. The point is I actually have a far simpler solution. For once I’m taking the easy way out.

Thank you Mr. Ostrich. You are brilliant. (I found this online randomly. I think it explained my new plan quite effectively.)

Lauren.

My Sister the Loan Shark

Something that’s never happened to me, happened to me today. It was so weird! I was interrogated by a mob boss/loan shark.

The following conversation contains scenes of mistrust, being annoying, my sister and her too small car that I’m sure is evil.

We discovered recently (yesterday) that my little... car crash incident from a few weeks ago caused serious enough damage to require my sister’s boyfriend to replace a door on his truck. Thanks to his connections, this would only cost me 200$ which I’m assuming could have been considerably worse. (I’m not happy.)

Dramatization:

Sister: So, my boyfriend needs that money to fix his car door. The sooner he has it the better.

Lauren: Yes. I will get it.

Sister AROUND 11:00 AM: So do you want to go to the bank around 1:00 to get that money?

Lauren: I’m going to my placement after lunch so you can drive me to the bank then and I’ll get your money.

Sister AROUND 11:30 AM: So when are we leaving?

Lauren: Half an hour. I don’t want to be too early. SISTER SITS ON COUCH WATCHING EVERYTHING I DO. (AT NOON) Alright, let’s go.

Sister: So it’s 200$

Lauren: Yes, I know. BASHES KNEE ON CAR CONSOLE, WHACKS HEAD ON CEILING, NAILS HIP AGAINST DOOR BEFORE WALKING INTO THE BANK. LAUREN RETRIEVES CASH AND RETURNS TO EVIL CAR.

Sister: So, do you have it?

Lauren: Yes.

Sister AT LAST SET OF LIGHTS BEFORE DROPPING LAUREN OFF: So you can give that to me now. I’m working with him later tonight so it’ll just be easier.

Lauren PULLING 200$ FROM POCKET: Here. WATCHES AS SISTER COUNTS CASH GIVEN. Gee, thanks a lot.

Sister: Sorry. Alright, well I’ll see you later.

Thank God I never owe her money I think I would slap her for annoying me that badly. I actually don’t know why I didn’t get a stronger urge to slap her today. I only found out how much the damages cost last night around 8:30. The irony of this situation is that it took me over two weeks to get fifteen dollars off her. I would also like to say that her boyfriend never said two words to me.

Aside from that lovely episode I did my placement. Turns out one of the students saw me when I was at the mall being pushed around in a wheelchair. They had a good laugh when they found out I fell of a sidewalk. Jokes on them! I’m teaching a lesson on puns in a little bit! HA!

And for still more irony, we finally got the air conditioning connected. What’s the first thing my mom does when she gets home? Opens all the windows again and turns off the AC. There’s a cool breeze. No more suffocating. She told me to piss off for writing that anecdote. And when I told her I wrote that she told me to piss off she said “good”. And when I told her I wrote that, she laughed. Okay, enough of that.

It was a good day... just kind of annoying with the weather and my sister... I now understand why we aren’t allowed to choose our first family.

Lauren.

Lauren Dehydrated

It is disgustingly hot here. Like forty degrees with the humidex. Why is this a problem for a girl that goes outside as little as possible? Because when my parents got some dude to come by and fix the foundation of the house, they had to disconnect the air conditioner. It’s still not connected. Basically, I’m sitting here blogging and sweating like I’ve run a few blocks. Meeko is sitting next to me and he’s entirely too close. Heat is just radiating off him. For the first time, I just want him to go away. A little farther away. That’s all.

The heat is the only reason I let my dad talk me into driving him down to his friend’s place to get some supplies he forgot there the other day. I hate driving but the car has air conditioning! My dad makes me nervous when I drive. Only almost got into one accident. Dude was in my blind spot and my parents just got a new car. Everything is ridiculously sensitive. These are my excuses.

Mostly I hid in my basement writing all day because that’s the coolest place I could find. I cannot wait for this heat wave to break, for whatever massive storm is coming to come or for the air conditioning to magically start working again.

This is why I like winter. You can always put another layer on. There are only so many you can take off without being arrested... or causing people to vomit. That and the basement couch is leather... not cool. Okay, no more visuals. I apologize.

I am going to take a shower and attempt to stop sweating.

Lauren.

Little Bit of Luck

I like my relative anonymity. That’s why I haven’t posted any actual pictures of myself. I imagine it makes it rather difficult to know just how excited I am at times. So, given that today was a good day, I’m going to post a picture, not of me but a picture nonetheless, to illustrate how insanely happy I am right now.

A grin to split my face! You have to imagine him without the creepiness. Just the smile really.

So, what happened today?

I had to go to therapy and showed up at school a bit early. Instead of waiting and staring at the walls of the Student Services office, I decided to mosey up to the history department. Yesterday when I was trying to register for a class I need to graduate, the internet registration program kept blocking me, saying that I didn’t meet the prerequisites. I needed 36 credits and only had 30. It’s a result of double majoring and I am taking the remaining six credits this year but apparently the program doesn’t realize that. So after the phone calls and emails and swearing I discovered I had to ask my professors to exempt me from the prerequisites, email the Registrar’s Office and then by some form of magic, I would be allowed to register, or by now, be put on a wait list. Great.

Anyway, I didn’t know where this professor’s office was exactly, but I ended up finding it and shocker of all shockers, she was actually there. We’d never met before so it must have been really impressive when I showed up at her door holding my shoes (they squeak on the floors and it drives me nuts so I take them off). Anyway, we had a chat that felt very much like a job interview. She asked me if I’d ever taken British History. I hadn’t. But I have taken a considerable amount of European history and with my English major, I’ve covered a fair bit of English culture and the history attached to the literature. She agreed to waive the prerequisites and actually emailed the Registrar’s Office as I was walking out the door. What’s weird is that she told me she’s never in during the summer. Lucky me I think!

After that I ran down to therapy which I was exactly one minute early for. No staring at the walls for me! Andrea was waiting for me. We had a delightful session in which we talked about my trip to Toronto, plans for the future and more optimistic things.

We finished at four o’clock and I found myself with half an hour to burn. I went downstairs to the English department to see if one of my professor’s was there; the one I had lunch with. She was there too and we had a little chat. She was talking about her Christina Rossetti assignment and how she’d emailed some past assignments off to a friend and colleague with a particular interest in the works of Christina Rossetti. Mine was among them. When this colleague of hers wrote her back, she singled mine out as being hysterical. I did a bit of research on this woman. According to my prof, she’s one of the foremost Christina Rossetti scholars. She’s also the English department head of Ryerson University in Toronto. It would have been too awesome if she was the head of the University of Toronto’s English department. Anyway, it put a real smile on my face. I’ve never gotten a compliment like that one before, definitely not for my academic work. So it was pretty friggin’ kick ass!

My day may not have been very eventful, but it was definitely filled with good things and a bit of luck. I’m totally going to ride this high to the very end.

Lauren.

The Ride

I am home. And it feels good to be home. It was nice to get out of town for a bit but there’s nothing like being among the people who know you best, with your things, in a place where you understand your place and how things work. I loved Toronto but I love home too. And I missed my cat. We got some serious hanging out done today.

And since I talked a lot about my time in Toronto, I am now going to describe my journey to and from Toronto. There are pictures!

This is the wonderful Tim Horton’s (I would love a discount if any high placed Timmies people are reading this). It’s essentially the equivalent of Dunkin’ Donuts. Coffee, cookies, donuts, all that fun stuff. Just to keep myself entertained I decided to take pictures of all the Timmies visible from the highway on my way. There were about fifteen or sixteen, I missed a few. We have thirteen of them in my town alone.

On the way back I decided to take pictures of gas stations to show that the farther north you go, the more expensive gas gets. Oddly enough, it was most expensive in the middle. Unless I somehow found the cheapest gas station in town when I got home...


And then there were things that I just thought were funny.

For instance, I have not only proven the existence of Santa, but his Canadian citizenship. And if he's not Canadian... he's bought an entire village in Canada.

Then there’s this truck. We passed it five times in about an hour and a half. Talk about annoying. Plus he was driving like a lunatic. When I took this picture the driver stared at me. My aunt chose that moment to tell me that he might not like having his picture taken.

And then there’s this random flea market that was so full of crap it was quite impressive. We drove by.

If you thought I was exaggerating when I said I live in the middle of nowhere, here's proof. This is from the highway about half an hour out from my town. I have to admit though, I like the trees. It’s something I think I would miss very much living in the big city.

Also, if you were wondering what a cat with an extra to looks like, here is my cousin’s cat, China. She coated my leg with so much hair my black pants were white. I can’t wait to see what that lint catcher thingy in my dryer looks like tomorrow.

I had an irritating day when I got home. I had to register for classes next year. It’s not nearly as easy as it sounds. It involved two phone calls, five emails and lots and lots of swearing. Helen found me twenty minutes after I got home. Back to work on Friday. Life resumes... Dang I liked not having responsibilities.

Lauren.

Last Day

I am now at the end of my big Toronto adventure and I’m so happy I did this. When I went to Toronto before, it was always a scary, nerve wracking experience. This time, it was so great. Personally I think being on medication has helped a lot with the anxiety, but I also think that I’ve grown up quite a bit since I was last here.

There are still things about Toronto that make me nervous, but they aren’t the same things as before and it’s definitely not to the same degree. I can see myself here. I think I could live here two or three years. Maybe more, I’d have to give it a go. As of now, I’ve truly realized just how small my world is. I’ve known for a long time, but living it is very different. I never realized how much I was craving possibilities. Seeing the things that I’m missing out on because of where I live is... astounding. I felt like an outsider looking in all weekend. For silly things like a library, or stores, or even a street where gay people are known to live. I’ve been grocery shopping more times this weekend than I have in a year and I’ve tried a new food at almost every meal. Yes, I feel somewhat inadequate and almost like a bumpkin, but when I do get used to strange foods and stores, I’ll strive to remember that feeling.

I learned a lot about myself in the last four days. And I surprised myself a bit too. The best way I can think to describe what I’m thinking and feeling is: I’ve outgrown my life. I feel like a snake, itching to shed its old skin. It’s a frustrating but wonderfully powerful feeling.

It feels good and I’m excited to move forward. I haven’t felt like this in so long. I know that it’s a while off and that it might not even happen, but I have a goal again and for now that’s enough. I’ve never failed before and I have no intention of starting now.

Love from Toronto,

Lauren.

Adventure Day!

I had an adventure today. Several in fact. Today my cousin and my aunt took me into downtown Toronto where the campus the master’s program I’m looking at is located. I was... floored, astounded, kind of speechless.

This place is massive. And I only saw one campus. I knew it was going to be big. Logically I couldn’t escape that reality. But holy crap I had no friggin’ clue. One of the first things my cousin pointed out to me was the library. There was an entire, multi-level building dedicated to the library. Even I can’t imagine how many books are in there. The closest thing I can picture is when the Beast in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, takes Belle into his library and it’s floor to ceiling books. At my current school, the library doesn’t even take up half the floor it’s on. And our whole school is one campus in one building. Two for visual arts students. This one campus took up blocks! God I’m from a small town.

After that we went to the CN Tower. I’d been near the tower but never up it. Today I got to go up. Apparently, and from what I can remember, the tower is about 114 floors... I think. It was over 1100 feet anyway. The elevators got us from the bottom to the observation deck in under a minute. I’d tell you how fast it was but I get all mixed up with my km/h and m/h. It was fantastically cool to look out and down and see people no bigger than ants. It was really cool to see the traffic, the trains, the streetcars and planes all moving at the same time in these organized patterns I did not understand. And the buildings! As far as I could see there were sky scrapers and all kinds of strange and bizarre architecture that I never get to see back home. On the way back down, my ears popped about five times and I was pretty off kilter stepping out of the elevator. It was... amazing.

With that done, we started to make our way back home. My cousin, who as far as I know is unaware of my lack of heterosexuality, took us through Toronto’s gay district. Sometimes it was... difficult to hear what my family was saying, but for the most part, it was a relief seeing people like me, living in public. In Hetero-Middle of Nowhere I’ve yet to see a mature (as in outside of high school where it’s generally an experiment among girls (where I’m from)) same-sex couple holding hands. It was nice to see an aspect of myself for a change. Gay culture where I’m from is like a secret underground society.

On the way home, my cousin drove through the neighbourhood of the rich and frivolous. I’m talking iron gates with initials on them and intercoms to be aloud passed said gates. At this point, I could not speak in my regular Canadian English. It was just too vulgar. I chose to adopt a hoity toity accent which my aunt and cousin also took on. To complete the experience, we went to a grocery store in which a credit rating had to be presented before actual shopping could commence. I’m kidding, but could you imagine? Anyway, I was totally disgusted when I saw rhubarb for sale at the price of 5$. IT’S A FRIGGIN’ WEED! PLANT IT AND YOU WILL HAVE ENOUGH FOR THE REST OF YOUR STINKIN’ LIFE! There were also pre-cut celery sticks on sale for a dollar more. My cousin bought some dried fruit (mango, strawberries and blueberries) as well as a quiche for breakfast. Whatever... the mango was good... I’ll admit.

So that was my day out on the town. I was glad to be back “home” though. Very exhausting all that walking. Oh, and tonight for supper we had risotto with apple and walnuts, beer can chicken, broccoli and garlic bread. I love food.

Lauren.

A Day of Quiet

Helen has spent a lot of time telling me that I live under a very small patch of sky. I was aware of that fact before taking this trip. I’m more aware of it now. Which I’m actually ecstatically happy about. First off, I discovered that I am currently in Newmarket outside of Toronto. Tomorrow, we venture into the big city itself. As for today, I ran some errands with my cousin and just took it easy.

We drove about twenty minutes to get to a grocery store my cousin deemed acceptable. He’s a foodie. On the way, we passed I don’t know how many Thai restaurants or real estate signs upon which were names I could not pronounce. It was awesome! I told my cousin that it was so different from my hometown (also his). He kind of chuckled and told me that I was still in “the white part of town”. When he started telling me that tomorrow we would be in Chinatown and that I would see a bunch of things I’d never seen before, it was my turn to laugh. I know I’ll see new things, but I also know that I won’t be as shocked as he thinks I will be. Maybe by the amount of people (because I’m fairly certain downtown Toronto will have lots of people), but I doubt very much that the food and so on will have much of an effect. I mean... hello... two years in a Chinese food restaurant with Chinese people, I know stuff.

Anyway, I got to take a wonderful nap later which was sorely needed after my Twilight Zone episode of waking up and getting up before seven. Gross. I will happily watch sunsets with my eventual wife but by God she will need a crowbar and serious upper body strength if she plans on making me watch a sunrise with her.

Otherwise, I watched the season finale of Grey’s again with my aunt and my great aunt who also happens to live only five minutes away. She’s a friggin’ hysterical lady. And by a strange coincidence, she’s only two years older than my aunt. My oldest uncle is only a day younger than this great aunt (his aunt). I can’t and don’t particularly want to imagine being pregnant at the same time as my mom. That would be weird. We also watched Glee, the episode with Neil Patrick Harris (my first ever Glee experience).

Naturally the topic of gayness came up. I say that with a little bit of sarcasm. Apparently it’s odd and somehow unbelievable when two gay actors are playing straight roles. Well, my response was that they’re actors. Also that straight actors play gay roles all the time and I haven’t heard that their acting was unbelievable or odd. Just that they had great chemistry or they’d done a good job. Society is weird I tell ya. And again while watching Grey’s someone asked who Arizona was. The response was “Arizona, she’s a lesbian. And that’s her girlfriend.” I think I’m going to start saying stuff like that. Like... with Sloan from Grey’s: “He’s McSteamy, he’s a heterosexual man-whore. That’s his latest conquest.” I’m a bit amused by that. Or! “That’s Christina and her heterosexual platonic friend Meredith.” Talking would take so much longer! Some things I just have to smile at.

Alright, before I have too much more fun with that, I’m going to bed.

Oh, and supper was delicious. (Caesar salad with dressing made from scratch, steak marinated all day and done up on the BBQ to medium perfection and sweet potato wedges, spiced and baked in the oven.).

I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow. If today was a day of quiet, tomorrow is my day of adventure!

Lauren.

Crap on a Stick

An amendment since yesterday,

Well, the camera has been found. Thank you dysthymia for the paranoia. I would also like to thank wobbly bags that tip over, cats with extra toes who bat things about, chairs which conceal things lodged beneath them and of course, the insane biped who forgot to zip up the previously mentioned wobbly bag. My apologies go out to... whichever little suburb type thingy I’m in outside of Toronto. Though if there be pickpockets, I think your punishment should remain the same. Mostly I’m blaming things on my dysthymia which caused a teensy bout of travel anxiety.

Otherwise, I’m saying this place is a parallel universe. I went to bed at a decent hour and I’m now up before 7 AM. Voluntarily. And I’m not the first up. That hasn’t happened since I was twelve. Alright... I’m off to find food and possibly scare extra-toed cats with my appearance. It was funny. I came downstairs and they skittered away from me.

More positives in the days to come. I’m off to take my meds.

Oh, and thank you to St. Anthony.

-------------

Well, I lied. Internet is available. Although at the moment I'm feeling something akin to anger so this post will most likely be short.

The drive down to my cousin's was awesome. It was sunny, not too busy, not a lot of traffic. I even entertained myself by coming up with a post for whenever I'd have internet. It was a good day. Once we got here, my cousin took us out for supper, we shopped, came back and watched a movie. Awesome time. Until about five minutes ago.

I set up all my stuff, getting things ready to write my blog entry. I go into my bag to get my camera and poof it wasn't there. I tipped the bag upside down and nothing fell out that was remotely camera-like. One of two things has occured. One, I have misplaced it. Two, there are crafty-ass pick pockets who deserve to be roasted on a spit while still living and branded in certain key areas that will cause the most pain possible. I just got the damn thing for my birthday!

Day one in Toronto has an epically bad finish. I'm going to break with my usual character and pray to St. Anthony. Anyone who has any favours to call in with higher beings, I would greatly appreciate it.

Lauren.

Grey's Addiction

Holy crap Grey’s was intense... goodness. And go figure, I had to go to the bathroom during the shortest commercial break ever! I’m totally going to sound like my dad right now (which none of you would have known if I hadn’t announced it) but “any other time, they would have like forty minutes of commercials!”. It’s usually “any other time, they’re coming down the hill like a bat out of hell!” when a driver is actually following the speed limit and thereby slowing our ability to leave the driveway.

Anyway, not much to say today. Did my packing, Toronto in the morning. My cousin just moved so I don’t know if he’ll have his internet up yet. Wow... I might actually be out of the blog world for four days... that’s going to be really weird after like... two hundred and forty something days of posting. So if I disappear for a bit, I am most likely still alive. Just away from internet access. I will however be thinking of Blogville the entire time. Okay, maybe not the entire time, but definitely in the time when my head is empty and free.

It’s almost 11:30 and I still want to try to finish this writing thing up. It’s not my novel, but it is something that’s helping me with it. I’ve never written a limited third person narrator before so I’m kind of working out the kinks in another story. I’ve restarted this particular scene about five times now and I want to finish it just for the pleasure of smirking at it and knowing that I won! In the competition against myself... but the important thing is that I will win.

Last thing before I go and it is absolutely random (does that surprise anyone anymore?). I’m a closet mushy, romantic. Trust me. It’s gross when I let the mush out. But I kind of heart Callie and Arizona and my inner girl wants to squeal that they’re back together. (hears whispered snickering) HUSH! I must live vicariously through TV actress lesbians.

(Insert girlish squeal. Maybe some jumping up and down... while clapping)

I actually almost peed myself laughing when I was at the hospital recently for my foot. I’m not a fan of Oprah and I hate Twilight. It’s a long story. Anyway, go figure in the waiting room, Oprah is on and guess who her guests are. The entire cast of Twilight. So, to keep myself entertained, because being in a rickety old wheelchair was not enough, I imagined that episode of Grey’s where this girl comes in requiring Callie’s attention and hits on her the entire time. Yeah... so could have been me. God that would have been nice. Yep, another Mystery Girl That Never Showed Up story. Instead I got a spring loaded (dude was seriously bouncing off the walls), MALE, Chinese doctor all too amused with my various lower body injuries (three sprains to my right foot, injured right patella, pulled Achilles tendon in left foot...). Those injuries are all past by the way. I used to play soccer. The point of this story is that HE RUINED MY FANTASY! God, it takes effort to imagine this stuff and then he just waltzes into a room and ruins it all... so inconsiderate!

So, a post without a point. Again. See you all in or after Toronto!

Lauren.

Ups, Downs and Meeko

For some reason I’m really tired so this is probably going to be short.

Today was a bit of a rollercoaster. The up and down kind not the twisty, upside down kind indicating confusion of the worst kind. My rollercoaster was more along the lines of up being silly and down being fairly irritated.

Up: Foot still getting better. Meaning I haven't fallen over! YAY!

Down: Had to plan out my classes for next year. This scrap paper probably explains how annoying the planning process can be. Turns out I have all the credits I need after all!

Up: Annoyed Meeko and got some really funny pictures. (Ever wonder what cat food feels like?)

I could practically hear him screaming "Lauren! Help! My tongue is like velcro! It's stuck to my back!" That or "You've taken your last picture mortal! HIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!!!"

Down: Watching Oprah with my mom and sister was painfully awkward (Chely Wright was on today after announcing that she's gay). I left after ten minutes.

Up: Had a friend over, we watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

Down: It wasn’t Pirates 3 and it took us about forty minutes to realize it was Pirates 2.

Up: It was good for a laugh and I eventually found the right movie. In the Pirates 2 case.

Down: Have to leave at 8 AM, (AM!) to get to Toronto Friday.

Up: It’s a four hour drive and I can sleep on the way.


Still a good day. I finally did my laundry. I know this is going to make me sound really gross, but with not needing to go anywhere because of my foot, I haven’t really had to do laundry in like... two weeks. I have PJs! Lots of PJs. They’re my uniform... what?

[Meeko comes trotting in and jumps up on Lauren’s bed.]

MEEKO GLARES

Lauren: What?

MEEKO STARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN

Lauren: I’m blogging about you. You have no choice in the matter.

MEEKO BITES AT THE CORNER OF LAUREN’S SCREEN.

Lauren: That’s not going to stop me. That’s just going to make me mad. And then who’s going to turn the water on for you in the bathroom?

MEEKO GLARES AND JUMPS OFF BED, HEADING FOR THE DOOR BUT FLOPPING OVER AND ROLLING AROUND AT THE LAST MINUTE.

Lauren: You’re cute. I give you that. But I’m still blogging about you and I’m still going to post that picture. It amused me too much to keep to myself.

MEEKO GETS UP AND SITS IN THE DOORWAY WITH HIS BACK TO LAUREN.

Lauren: I’ll give you extra treats then... not that you need them...

MEEKO WALKS BACK INTO THE ROOM AND CURLS UP CONTENTEDLY IN THE MASS OF BLANKETS AT THE END OF LAUREN’S BED.

Lauren: That’s what I thought.


They did always say that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach. Though that would probably work for me too. I think we have to start revising that statement!

Lauren.

My Scheme

I have to say, today was a good day. I’m all happy and optimistic and absolutely irritating as a result. Mwahahaha. I think I mentioned a little while ago that I had a scheme. I think the scheme can now be revealed.

I keep in touch with one of my professors because she’s just, well, she’s lovely. I don’t know if that’s a big enough word. Anyway, she’s back in town teaching a summer course (the one she taught me last summer) and since we’ve been emailing back and forth for a year, we decided it was time to get together. We went out and had an awesome lunch. The scheme started to form because of this professor. She asked me if I was planning on going to grad school. Now, no one has ever asked me that, let alone told me that I would like it. This got me to thinking, which got me to researching (thank you internet) which got me to finding.

Thanks to my research I found a program at the University of Toronto. A master’s degree in creative writing. The requirements for the program are pretty intense. It lasts a year and a half to two years. Up until today, I didn’t think I met one of the key requirements for admission. TURNS OUT I DO! I need a B+ average and apparently a B+ average is 75%. I have a 76% average and another year to get it even higher. Fingers crossed, I have a reason to really try now.

Aside from today’s discovery, this all happened before mother’s day. On mother’s day, we went to my grandma’s and my aunt/godmother happened to mention that she would be visiting her son on the May long weekend. Light bulb moment! Since this cousin lives in Toronto, I asked if I could go with her and maybe check out U of T at the same time. Since you know I’m going to Toronto, you know how that discussion went. Success is mine!

When I mentioned this to my professor today, I think she was a little bit impressed. I still have to finish my fourth year for my BA and then wait another year while I finish my BEd, but I’m still pretty excited about it. The prospect of change, of doing something I love, of not actually needing to do it but wanting to. Plus, it’s nice to be told that I would like it and be good at it. I think she used the words “bright” and “why wouldn’t you go?” Honestly, to answer that question, because no one led me to believe it was a possibility.

I wrote that I wanted more. I think I found it.

Lauren.

Update

My foot is almost normal! If you’re willing to overlook the tie-dye effect my bruises are creating. It’s only swollen on the outside of my ankle now! SO EXCITED! I can walk without crutches! Though stairs are still difficult. On the upside, it means that I don’t HAVE to show up at lunch with my professor tomorrow clutching my crutches. I’ll probably still bring them though.

ROCHESTER: Now that that’s done with, do we get to talk again?

LAUREN: Like I could really stop you.

ROCHESTER: We have stories too!

LAUREN resigned: Knock yourself out.

ROCHESTER: Well, as you know Lauren hung out with her crazy friend Dana a while ago. They went to a restaurant and I was bored so I decided to tag along.

LAUREN: He means “tag along” by the way.

ROCHESTER: It’s my story! Anyway, Dana asked if any of Lauren’s imaginary friends were there so Lauren, being totally uncool, points me out. What does Dana do? She starts groping around where Lauren pointed. So friggin’ awkward.

LAUREN: I told her to stop...

ROCHESTER: You could have told her sooner!

LAUREN: You weren’t even supposed to be there. Alright, next story, Maggie, go!

MAGDA: I’ve been dying of boredom because Lauren isn’t doing anything. The only upside is when Lauren finally goes to bed and I can hang out with Frank. He’s stopped giving me insulation art though. I think it’s our two or three month anniversary?

LAUREN: You think?

MAGDA: Does a two or three month anniversary matter?

LAUREN: For an imaginary couple... yeah, I guess that’s an accomplishment. Freud?

FREUD: I heve made mach progress vith Cooper. I am very pleased. Speakink of vhich, vhy am I no longer helpink you vith your issues? Do you not need me anymore?

LAUREN: Totally need you. Just wait for September. Think of it as a vacation... a sabbatical if you will. So... what’s this progress?

FREUD: Esk him yourself.

LAUREN: Cooper, what’s up?

COOPER: I don’t understand the question.

LAUREN confused: I meant ‘how are you?’

COOPER: I don’t understand the question.

LAUREN: Freud, did you only teach him one sentence?

FREUD: I’m vorkink on it!

LAUREN: Okay, moving on to Mr. Plunk.

MR. PLUNK: I’m liking the legs! I can go everywhere! It’s so exciting!

LAUREN: Aren’t you glad I didn’t change you back!

MR. PLUNK: Can I keep them?

LAUREN: Uh, yeah... I think that actually helps Freud out... he was worried you might kill him in his sleep. You know... because of Cooper.

MR. PLUNK: I’m more capable of doing that now!

LAUREN imagines Mr. Plunk with one leg: Don’t even think about it. MR. PLUNK SPINS IN CIRCLES AS HE TRIES TO RUN AWAY.


Anyone have anything else to say? Everybody good? Everyone all updated now? Good. I’m going to bed. Or at least going to read or something. I’m temporarily bored with my novel. I hate the first three or four chapters... after that everything starts to heat up and get interesting. It’ll get done.

Lauren.

15 Examples

Again, I got nothing. I just watched the season finale of Survivor. IS THAT NOT PROOF ENOUGH!?!?! Anyway, because I don’t want to write another post about how I did nothing, I shall now list the various uses of crutches:

1. Help me to walk.
2. Good for shooing things (like cats) out of the way
3. Can reach thing that are too far away.
4. Enable me to remain seated when objects are close enough to swipe or hook (this point is different than the first)
5. They’re entertaining (I used them to play with Meeko. He attacks them.)
6. They can serve as a weapon for when my family leaves me alone and doesn’t remember to lock the door. (Although I’m pretty sure that against a gun they’ll be useless)
7. I’m investigating their potential as a barricading device
8. Good for crop circle practice. (I can leave circle patterns in the carpet)
9. Great conversation starter (Oh my God what happened? I fell off a sidewalk... I know eh?)
10. Perfect for maintaining your personal space
11. In emergencies, could be used as stilts. And yes, there are emergencies requiring the usage of stilts.
12. Solid base structure for wings. Icarus could have used metal crutches... at worst he would have drowned faster. He was gonna drown anyway... arrogance.
13. Excellent for pointing out objects. Laser pointers just make people nervous what with snipers running about.
14. If you enjoy pity crutches are a great way to go.
15. If you want to duel, are afraid of swords but still want the metallic clashing sound, they come in pairs for twenty five dollars. And after, you can use them to walk home.

Clearly crutches are a solid investment as these are only fifteen possibilities. There are dozens, perhaps hundreds more! If you send me cash and cash only, I will make sure you get your own pair of crutches. Prices vary by how much I like or dislike you. So does quality.

I mean... I’m totally fair. (My imaginary friends are glaring at me... just play along and I’ll get you what you need. Did I hear an order for 6 pairs of crutches? Awesome...)

Lauren.

When Will It END?!?!

No new news to report here. I can’t even think of something to make up at the moment... Another boring day spent on my butt because I can’t spend it on my feet. This was essentially how the day went by. I caught up on TV shows I missed throughout the year and dealt with my mother buzzing dutifully around me, presenting me with ice or pills at any given moment. She’s been really insistent on the anti-inflamatories. I can take one or two three times a day. She likes watching me take two. I think the fact that my foot is still really swollen is freaking her out. Her theory is that my injured foot is super itchy because my skin is being stretched due to massive swelling. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I do know my foot is freakin’ itchy! Today I pretty much just dumped hand cream on it (because that’s what I have) and I left it there. Looked nasty, felt pretty good. And weirdly enough, new bruising keeps appearing. If you can imagine, pretty much my entire foot is bruised now. It starts near my toes, runs over the top, along both sides and even up my leg to about mid calf. Craziness. I never did believe in half-assing anything. So there you go. If you’re going to fall three inches, remember me and try to top that! I’m fairly certain only a break can top this sprain. Or maybe actually being hit by a car. God forbid!

Anyway, I’m forbidding myself from watching any more TLC shows... I can’t take any more Say Yes to the Dress. I hated that show before this morning and I hate it more now. My practical nature wants to vomit seeing people spend that much on a white dress. Besides, Toddlers and Tiaras is starting up again soon and they totally freak me out. It’s like a really spoiled grown up found a way of taking over a child’s body... I haven’t figured out the science yet... but it’s creepy.

Lauren.

The Relevance of ABBA

When the new version of Mamma Mia came out, Ed got totally hooked on it. My dad is a pretty big ABBA fan too so he was really into it. So when I finally watched the new version (already able to sing most of the songs without the handy sing along captions) I realized that I’m kind of weird. In a good way! I like being this kind of weird.

So... reasons why I think I’m weird. Because these statements need to be substantiated by evidence. (These reasons relate back to Mamma Mia and ABBA and should not be taken out of context.)

Reason 1:

I knew who ABBA was before watching or hearing about this movie or even the stage musical. Actually, that’s something really fun that I gained from my Rock and Roll musical upbringing. When I’m watching movies set in the 40s, 50s, and 60s I often find myself singing along. It’s hysterical to see the blank faces of my ignorant 21st century friends when I start singing along to ‘At the Hop’. It scares my dad that I know the words to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Also, I was thinking, wouldn’t it have totally sucked if the members of ABBA’s names had started with a Q,Z,W and K? QWZK? ABBA’s much better.

For those who aren’t weird
(Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wiVkdVPGoY
(At the Hop) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwCGW58DTE4


Reason 2:

When they sing songs like... Dancing Queen in the movie, I get this indescribable urge to also walk down a street and burst into song and dance. I think it’s one of my stranger fantasies given that it’s not likely to occur and I can’t sing or dance very well. Minor details! One day, I too shall walk down the middle of a crowded street belting out a song with twenty skilled backup dancers following me! And it will sound good! Oddly enough, I’ve had this fantasy for years. I was also raised on musicals.

To illustrate my point. PS: How much energy does it take to be Meryl Streep! I would look more like the friend who crotches herself on the banister...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_uXcxKoqYQ

Reason 3:

ABBA enabled me to secure a wedding photographer. Am I getting married in the near or even middle-distant future? No... But I have a photographer! Ed happens to be a professional and very talented as well as renowned photographer. So, when he was doing a friend’s wedding (after watching Mamma Mia and becoming obsessed) he wanted to do a shot of the wedding party on the dock jumping up, like in the movie. He thought it would be cool. At the last minute, everyone changed their minds and his idea went kaput. He was really excited about it so I told him he could do it at my wedding.

Ed: Sure, I’ll take pictures at your wedding.

Lauren: There you go. I think it was a good idea! And there’d be a cool story behind it.

Ed: Of course... I’ll probably be dead by then.

Haha! I don’t care. I’m holding him to it. If he’s not dead and if I ever get married... he’s taking pictures. Dammit. Now that I reread it, the ‘dammit’ doesn’t seem very convincing.


All this goes to show that I am not your average girl. But was there ever really any doubt?


Lauren.

Wheels and Sticks

Today I made some discoveries. Before I tell you about them, I must tell you the story of today. Remember the boredom of the past few days? Well, my friend Dana come over and entertained me. We went out to lunch first. She made fun of my gimping, all good natured, and we amused the waitress with our banter. Once that was done, we decided to shop a bit. Dana decided that I needed one of the courtesy wheelchairs. First time in a wheelchair. She didn’t make me drive it though. Thank God because the few times I tried to drive, it was kind of disastrous.

She was kind enough to push me around the mall only struggling a little when she had to push me up ramps. Hehehe. I had fun shouting directions and flailing my arms in the direction I wanted to go. I think she had fun making me dizzy because she kept turning really fast and I swear my head spun. I also said something I never thought I would say. We were going down a ramps and, well, I could feel the chair pulling away.

Lauren: Don’t let me go! PAUSE. Wow... first time I say that.

Dana: Yeah, I guess so...

It was kind of funny because Dana likes to make cashiers think we’re a couple. We are not. Also, I noticed a few things regarding people in wheelchairs. Random people smile at you. A LOT. It’s kind of creepy. Moreover, total strangers let you skip ahead in lines. This man in the express check out at WalMart actually unclipped the barrier and let me go in front of him and the other four people behind him.

A good trip over all. I had fun.

When my dad got home, we decided that it was time to head out to the hospital. The swelling in my foot has gone down, but the bruising was spreading up my leg and my foot was feeling weird. The whole hospital experience took a little over an hour. I don’t have any broken bones but I do have a really bad sprain. So after an x-ray, more wheelchair time and painful bending of my foot every which way, I was sent home with a prescription for physio (because we’ve determined that my ligaments are loose after spraining that ankle three times), a prescription for anti-inflammatories and crutches. YAY!

And now my discoveries. Wheelchairs are better than crutches but walking beats both. I don’t know why doctors think that crutches are helpful. I just don’t get it! Let’s get someone who can’t stand on their two feet and get them to throw their weight forward while balancing on two sticks. It makes no sense! I’m so accident prone! Already I’ve tripped over a pair of shoes left in the hall. The crutches weren’t secure under my arms. It’s just silly! Although, they are awesome for grabbing things farther away. Oh, funny moment, the nurse-lady who fit me for my crutches set one crutch to 5’7” and the other to 5’8”. And I was wondering why I couldn’t walk straight...

Hopefully I won’t break a leg using my crutches... wish me luck.

Lauren.

Words From Miss Hobblington

Today was kind of poopy. I was busy elevating. My foot. The swelling went down a lot from yesterday. Apparently, if the swelling doesn’t go down some more I get to hang out in a hospital waiting room tomorrow. Bleh! I don’t wanna.

This is my ankle today. Now imagine it at least twice that size yesterday. It’s all purple and yellow and pretty nasty.

This is my injured foot

This is my uninjured foot.

I'll admit that I need to shave.

I watched some movies. One that I didn’t particularly care for. I wrote a little which is always good. I also finally got all my grades back! At last! This year I managed to raise my cumulative GPA to 76.1. YAY! I did really well this year. I have no idea why or how but I am not going to question it. Oh, and since I bugged you all with this for a year, I finished Holocaust history with an 80% average. Kind of makes me happy that I’ve grasped some understanding of it. Because my professor certainly knows an awful lot and for him to think I know enough to give me an 80, well... it has some meaning. I don’t think I’m explaining what I mean very well so I’ll just stop and hope you understand. My goal now is to get up to a B+ average.

I was bored for most of today. I like having two feet. I’m very used to it. Hmmm... you know what would have made today kick-ass?

LAUREN HOBBLES TO THE PHONE IN THE KITCHEN. IT RINGS FOUR TIMES AND SHE HOPES WHOEVER IS ON THE OTHER END DOESN’T HANG UP BECAUSE SHE’S SLOW.

Lauren: Hello?

Mystery Girl That Never Showed Up: Hi, Lauren? I was worried I got the wrong number.

Lauren: Yeah, it just takes me a while to get to the phone.

MGTNSU: Oh God, right. Not feeling better then?

Lauren: Little better than yesterday.

MGTNSU: Would you be up for some company then?

And then she would come over and keep me company and it would be fun. See how great living in a movie would be? Then again... if it were a romantic comedy, I’d probably dump her and then have to run (or limp-hop in my current case) after her. I’m assuming the movie would be a comedy because how dumb do you have to be to fall off a sidewalk. Proof that good grades don’t mean you’re (hehe) street smart. Get it... I fell into the street? Yes, I was alone today. Sorry for the bad jokes.

Hopefully I have something more interesting to tell you all tomorrow.

Lauren/Miss Hobblington.

Lauren Down!

Houston, I have a problem. Well, I have many problems but the most immediate one is that I can’t walk. Guess what I did today! I got my hair cut, finally, after over a year and the guy did a great job. He straightened it and everything. I’ve never liked my hair straight, I don’t feel like it’s me, but it looked really nice. Naturally, before I went to work and the humidity ruined it all, I decided to walk back to my mom’s work and show her. She liked it.

I started walking back toward the bus terminal and just as I was getting ready to cross the street, I fell off the sidewalk. How I don’t know, but I heard something pop (either my ankle or my MP3 player hitting the asphalt) and I was down in the road. Took me a bit to get up, but luckily, I had a witness to my clumsiness. This man had to be in his late seventies. He had enormous glasses about a quarter inch thick and a cane. He asked me if I was alright and insisted that I sit down for a bit. Not on the road obviously. By now my headphones, which I’d forgotten in the road had been run over (they still work!). The man was adorable but he eventually hobbled off. When I felt comfortable walking again, I retrieved my headphones, almost being hit by a car. Lovely right? I hobbled to work which wasn’t far away, thinking I could call a cab. It was still closed.

So I walked to the bus terminal which was about another five minutes from there, add three or four minutes extra for hobbling. After that I took a bus that would drop me off about fifteen minutes away from my house. Add another few minutes for hobbling. I made sure that the trip would be all downhill. When I made it home my foot didn’t hurt too much. And then I took my shoe off. HOLY CRAP! The throbbing was insane but the swelling was worse. I don’t know how to describe it without making it sound like I’m exaggerating. Given this information, I opted to take a cab to therapy. I told this story to Andrea and she giggled at the old man part. “So he wouldn’t have been able to help you at all,” was her reply. I considered that and I think she was probably right. Then I started thinking. WHAT THE HELL! Perfect opportunity for a woman-loving woman to come to my rescue! I mean really!

Mystery Girl That Never Showed Up: “Hey, totally saw you fall right now, are you okay?”

Lauren: “Oh good... you saw that. Mind helping me up?”

MGTNSU:“Right, sorry about that. My name is --------.”

Lauren: “Thanks, I’m Lauren.”

MGTNSU: “Can I help you get where you’re going?”

Lauren: “If you wouldn’t mind.”

And then we’d exchange numbers and go on a date and it would be lovely and fantastic. Could totally happen... if I lived in a book or movie... but I don’t. Dang it.

Other than that, I’m not working for a few days. I ran into a lady I haven’t seen in a long, long time. She seems to be doing really well for herself. I met a very nice cab driver. One of my movies came in the mail today. I got an email from my professor and we’re going out to lunch on Tuesday next week. I’m really excited about it. So... while I can no longer walk without causing myself intense pain and I spent somewhere near thirty dollars going to and from school, I had a pretty good day.

Look at me go! I’m seeing the bright side!

Lauren.

BEST NEWS EVER! Or at least today

I’m going to Toronto! I’m going to Toronto! In like a week, but I haven’t left my hometown in about three years. So it’s time for a road trip. There are numerous reasons why I am making this journey: haven’t seen my cousin in a while, need to get the hell out of here, no one’s going to be here on the May long weekend anyway, I need to be out of communication range from Helen for a little while... There’s another big reason but in order not to jinx it, I shall speak nothing of it. If all goes well, then I shall divulge my scheme! Okay, it’s not really a scheme... but I’ll tell you all about it later anyway.

I’m excited and nervous. Nercited? Excited for the above stated reasons. Nervous because Toronto scares the crap out of me. There are so many people! Can you tell I’m a small city girl? Anyway, the last time I went I was... seventeen, so hopefully I’ll be able to look passed that one little wrinkle. I’m sure big city living can be adjusted to. If I got used to underwire I am positive I can do this.

Speaking of underwire, when I last went shopping with my mom (bra shopping), she mentioned that a lot of engineering went into the construction of bras. For whatever reason, I immediately thought of the CN tower engineers pouring over bra blueprints. Guess where the CN tower is!? TORONTO! Is it weird that I’ve never actually been to the CN tower? Oh, and while we’re on the topic of similarities, my cousin is an architect who lives in Toronto! You know, to tie in that whole engineer business. I’m pretty sure he has little to do with bras, particularly in the construction department, but it all seems too perfect doesn’t it!?!

Okay, I have cabin fever. I admit it. MAYBE WE CAN GO TO THE ZOO! I’m totally kidding. OH! I can shop in a city that is not wholly heterosexual! I can buy things without having to pay almost the equivalent price in shipping! O-M-friggin’-G! Think of the money I will save by spending!

Is it just me or has this trip brought out my inner ditz? The one I hide so well... (shifty eyes). And I’m going with my godmother, not my parents! Hehe! No tin can camping for me!

Man, I need to do stuff like this more often! I don’t get excited often enough! Best news of today!

Lauren.

They Trust Me! They Really Trust Me!

I feel powerful. It was sunny today and the snow is gone! Thank you Mother Nature for rectifying this terrible, terrible wrong. While it was still cool today, it at least looked like it was May outside rather than... oh I don’t know, December?

Other than that fantastic news which I’m sure caused a fair amount of heart and anxiety attacks, I received a greeting I’ve never heard before.

“Lauren, I need two chicken fried rice NOW!”

I was one foot inside the building at that point and still in street clothes. I was visiting my grandma as it was mother’s day. Ended up talking with my cousin Pat. It was a pleasant surprise to see him and actually talk to him. Anyway, I asked Ed if I could change. I wasn’t really asking but framed it as a question to seem polite.

“Make it quick.” I rushed up the stairs and asked him which size the rice order was to be. That way I could just dive in once I was dressed.

“Two sixteens.” When I got back, my hair somewhat tousled and my collar sticking up, I grabbed for the sixteen ounce containers. That’s when Helen yelled at me. “NO! Two twenties!”

Turns out it was two twenties. The dining room wasn’t very busy but on take-out alone, I was later told we made over a thousand dollars. Guess who got to make and coordinate take-out tonight? Yeah! Me! A little bit stressful!

At one point, I actually got the jump on everyone. Since I’d asked Sarah to make two orders of chicken balls, I figured she might as well put in another one for an order due twenty minutes later. She threw them in and they sat waiting on the counter. People show up early all the time demanding their food yesterday so believe me, they were not waiting long. Besides, there were two more orders after that one. The faster I can get rid of orders the better. Anyway, turns out they were on the counter long enough for Helen to freak out because I’d cooked unnecessary food for the current order we were working on. Then Ed started freaking out because he thought it was part of an order that had already gone out. I shouted twice that it was for another order but no one seemed to hear that. After a good five minutes of panic, I shouted loud enough and the issue of the chicken balls was resolved. Remind me never to be organized again. It’s hardly worth the trouble.

The upside was that we were able to leave pretty early tonight, we got cheese cake for dessert and no one came in at the last possible minute. YAY! The result of tonight? I know never to make chicken balls ahead of time. My arm is really sore from making thirty thousand orders of chicken fried rice (I exaggerate). I burnt myself playing in the fryer. I probably should have been using tongs... but it’s so much faster without them! I can take a blister for ten minutes less stress. I seem to have a mysterious cut on my finger. I saved the best for last: MY BOSSES ARE ACTUALLY TRUSTING ME IN THE KITCHEN AND HOVERING MUCH LESS!!!!!! I’M ALL EXCITED! I actually am, I’m not being sarcastic. It’s taken like a year and a half.

Happy mother’s day to the moms out there! (My grandpa wished me happy mother’s day and asked how my kids were. I said thank you and told him my children were good, doing really well.)

Lauren.

WHAT THE-!!!!!

Alrighty. So I finished watching that other movie last night... wasn’t all that impressed. The concept is interesting but... I dunno... I wasn’t feeling it I guess. It was a bad night for movies. However, today we watched Avatar. I was pretty impressed. I never trust hype but, this movie definitely lived up to it. Bravo James Cameron.

On another note, I think someone in Mother Nature’s office screwed up. Drunk at the controls says I! Or at the very least distracted by a really good song. There are only two ways I can think of to sum up today’s weather.

The first is written (for lack of verbal possibilities): WHAT THE HELL?! DID I GET INTO A TIME MACHINE?! IS THAT SANTA!? THOSE COOKIES ARE FOR PAUL SANTA! BACK OFF! No, seriously, back off, they’re birthday cookies. Thank you.

The second is visual. This, you will probably recognize, is the view from the front of my house. I was too lazy to get off the deck so... you’ll just have to suffer this view again. Plus, I was still in my PJs. I actually debated putting shoes on. I ended up going with the shoes.

Now, for anyone who is not aware, today is the 8th of MAY! Showers bring flowers! Hello Mother Nature, snow kills flowers! That’s why there aren’t any in winter! Not in my little corner of Canada anyway. Clearly someone has dropped the ball.

Mother Nature this next bit is specifically for you. I’m saying this in the nicest way possible. Perhaps it’s time to take... a sabbatical, from your acting career. I know Tampax wants to use you and that it could be your big break, but when it snows in May, I think you have to look to your priorities. Tampax will survive. My mom’s garden won’t. Her tulips were really pretty!

Do I need to start a petition? I will petition dammit!

Lauren.

Plunk is a Duck

My foul mood has passed. YAY! I finished up my first chapter today, looking forward to starting another one. My friend Dana read the prologue and she’s assured me that so far it’s looking like a promising project. Double yay! As to the other matters, I’m choosing to put them in perspective. One of them I shouldn’t even be worrying about yet. So, better mood today!

Tonight I was watching movies with my parents. The first one we watched was “It’s Complicated”. Not the best movie I’ve ever seen... it had a few funny moments, but not... the best movie I’ve ever seen. Anyway, how many times do we say “it’s complicated”? I say it a lot. More than usual in the last year­-

Mr. Plunk: LAUREN!

Lauren: What? Why do you guys always come bug me when I’m watching movies?

Mr. Plunk: Because you’re always watching movies.

Lauren: Am not! I write too... and read. And work!

Mr. Plunk: Yeah, whatever, about the leg debacle.

Lauren: Right. I kind of forgot about that. My bad.

Mr. Plunk: I’ll take the legs. [MR PLUNK TURNS INTO A FULL STUFFED ANIMAL WITH LEGS]

Lauren: Voila!

Mr. Plunk DEADPAN AND EMBARRASSED: I look like an idiot.

Lauren: You look like a duck.

Mr. Plunk: THIS IS WHAT A DUCK LOOKS LIKE!?

Lauren: Yeah...

Mr. Plunk [trying to walk]: I waddle!

Lauren: Ducks waddle!

Mr. Plunk: THEY DO NOT!

Lauren: Yeah, they do. You my dear are exhibit A.

Mr. Plunk: Why can’t I have legs like you? You don’t waddle.

Lauren: Why thank you! And you would look totally ridiculous with legs like mine. Now... just try it. I think you look adorable. [MR. PLUNK WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM, LAUREN TRIES TO STIFFLE HER GIGGLING.] You’re so cute!

Mr. Plunk: Oh shush! Go back to watching your movie!

Lauren: How am I going to get that adorable image out of my head?

Mr. Plunk: I hate you so much!

Lauren: No you don’t.

Mr. Plunk: Well, I’ve tried it and I feel stupid. Can you change me back?

Lauren: I could. But don’t you want to try it out a little more? I always feel like a tool in heels.

Mr. Plunk: I still hate you. [WADDLES BACK UNDER THE BED.]

I have to say, that made me smile. You guys have no idea how cute he looks. I sort of want to hug him but I don’t think he would appreciate that. I’ll give him a day... I’m going back to my movie though. We’re now watching “Beyond a Reasonable Doubt”. So far it’s intriguing. I’ll tell you what I think tomorrow.

Lauren.

Cranky

Well, I can't say I'm too shocked. It took fifteen days. Impressive no? I actually think it's a new record for me. Fifteen days since school ended and I am bored out of my mind. Maybe it's because I was in a rotten mood today, but I have to say just about anything would be an improvement on what I'm currently doing (aka sitting on my bed festering in my bad mood).

Some reasons for my bad mood include:

1) writer's block.
2) parents who think I'm out of the house when I'm sitting in my room with my door wide open and there's less than three feet from their room to mine.
3) friends that I actually enjoy spending time with have moved back home.
4) boredom makes me hungry, I'm bored and therefore hungry and trying not to eat because I realize I'm only hungry because I'm bored.
5) I realized today that big dreams require big money (probably the principal reason for my foul humour, well, one of two major reasons).

So, I'm a smidge cranky right now. Perhaps I'll do what I usually do when I get like this. Curl up with a nice warm blanket and watch an Arnold movie in which he blows the shit out of everything. For some reason the violence and destruction helps.

I think I'm just going to go to bed early...

Lauren

From Spies to Prada?

I’m not very easily surprised by people anymore. I don’t know if it’s because I’m cynical, because I find it easy to empathize with just about everyone or because I’m good at reading people, but rarely am I taken aback.

Today, I was actually surprised. By my dad. That was a second surprise. While watching the History Channel (one of two channels my dad watches religiously), not only did he change the channel IN MID PROGRAM! he turned on a DVD. Any guesses as to which one? I’ll give you three. If you said: something involving Clint Eastwood you’ve certainly pegged my dad for a fan, but you’re wrong. If you said something involving any form of war-like conflict, again, you picked the right guy but you’re wrong. So... action packed movie with explosions, half naked chicks and car chases? We have quite a few, but no. Of all the movies he picked, he came back upstairs to the living room with The Devil Wears Prada.

I’m not going to lie, my jaw hit the floor. Which is a considerable achievement considering how small my mouth actually is. I looked at him like he was from outer space. It’s not like he doesn’t know what the movie is about. He’s seen it before and is therefore fully aware that no incarnation of the Christian Satan appears. He knows there’s no blood, no guts, no gore, barely a sex scene, no hint of macho manliness whatsoever. NADA! When he finally looked over at me and saw my expression, he said: “I know it’s a chick flick but there are parts that I like.” All I could think to respond was: “Okay.” I can't really argue with him over Meryl... she's you know... kind of a little bit amazing. (Understatement Alert)

At one point, if you’ve seen the movie you know what I’m talking about, Andie (played by Anne Hathaway) goes to this restaurant with her friends and starts handing out high fashion goodies from her job. The one guy at the table is... I wasn’t really paying attention so I’ll say very metrosexual if not gay, I don’t remember if they actually specify... I don’t think he’s supposed to be gay. Anyway, that’s relatively unimportant. After this guy spouts some fashion knowledge (throwing his sexuality into doubt) my dad said: “See, some guys I work with wouldn’t even sit at the table with him”. I won’t write what I thought about that comment, not my immediate thought anyway. But after my immediate thought, I was quite proud to realize that my dad would sit at his table. And then I was grateful. I don’t know if my dad was trying to tell me something, but I’m going to choose to believe he was.

I think that’s the first time I ever see my dad pick and watch a chick flick with me. I was glad to be proved wrong today. I’m just going to throw this out there because I’m randomly thinking about it, but I really do think that men have an easier time accepting or understanding gay daughters than mothers of gay daughters. It’s the feeling I get. Obviously I can’t speak to the reverse, but I wonder if mothers of gay sons are more accepting than fathers. It would make sense...

Well, I don’t have much else to say. I think I’m off to bed.

Lauren.

Because Someone Said So

Have you ever noticed that people do things out of habit? Like, stuff that’s not rational or logical in any way? Just stuff that drives you nuts if it’s not done the right way, your way, the way you learned it?

Well, this is what I’m talking about.

I got out to restaurants and when the cutlery is not set up the way that I was taught to set it at work, it bugs me. I have to fix it. Napkin goes on the right, fork inside, knife outside with the blade in. Glass goes over the napkin. I’m not the only one either because at lunch yesterday, Abby did the same and so did Helen.

Then, when I have a sock with a hole in it, I rip the whole sock. Like, it’s not enough that it’s going in the garbage because of the hole, I just have to rip it and destroy it. My grandfather did the same thing (with appliances), my mom does it with socks and undershirts so my dad can’t reclaim them.

When I eat, I eat my favourite things first and save the stuff I like less for last. It bugs the crap out of Ed. He can’t figure out why I do it. Usually I eat the meat first, vegetables are last. I’ve just always done it that way. One food group at a time. I don’t care if they touch. Like, in a stir fry or something, I will pick out the meat and eat it first. Then I will eat the vegetables. Then I will eat the rice or noodles.

In high school I had no problems writing “this”. Then I got an English teacher who hated the word “this” because it wasn’t identified. She’d always write “What is ‘this’?” on my papers. Guess what I write when I find ‘this’ in papers I’m proofing.

I dare you to claim that you’re an individual and that no one affects you. I picked up all these habits somewhere. I’m sure you picked yours up somewhere too.

Care to share?

Lauren

Shopping and Books

Please, don’t be angry with me, but I forgot to have my laptop open when I was watching Dancing with the Stars with my mom. To compensate, let’s try an interview with the Creepy Foremost Non-Dancing Dance Expert now.

Lauren: Okay, I’m going to ask you about each of the contestants and you give me your thoughts on them. Alright?

Mom: No.

Lauren: You have no choice. Evan Lysacek.

Mom: He’s not manly! He needs hair on his chest to look like a man.

Lauren: WTF? He’s a figure skater. Anyway... Pam Anderson.

Mom: I can’t just comment like that! You blew the interview lady.

Lauren: Fine... how do you feel about Justin Bieber? (While watching Access Hollywood)

Mom: Bubblegum music.

Lauren: Well... fair enough.


Other than intelligent conversations with my mom, I went shopping with Helen and Abby. I surprised myself by actually browsing for bras. Of my own free will! And I thought one was actually pretty! I think I’m very slowly turning into a girl... scary... it’s taken 21 years.

After a while, I think Helen was worried I was getting bored so she sent me off to the bookshop next door. Love it there! Smell of books is amazing! Well, I was looking for a specific book but given that I live in Hetero Middle of Nowhere, I didn’t find it. Go figure. As a result, I was forced to buy two other books and then buy the one I wanted once I got home... Ugh.

Mr. Plunk: Lauren, when are you planning on reading all of these books?

Lauren: I will... someday. Look, some people like shoes, I like books! And it’s hard for me to even find shoes that fit let alone shoes I like.

Mr. Plunk: Would you mind leaving some on the floor?

Lauren: Yes, I very much would mind. Why?

Mr. Plunk: I’m getting bored. Cooper’s therapy with Freud is driving me crazy.

Lauren: Yeah... that’s bugging Maggie too actually. What’s he talk about?

Mr. Plunk: I don’t know. I stop paying attention after “hallo Cooper”. Lots of blah-bity blah.

Lauren: Which one do you want? Book I mean.

Mr. Plunk: I’ve never read Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

Lauren: Well, my sister has the first one... would you be okay starting with the second one? Bailey’s dies, Lena loves Kostos who’s Greek, Bridget fell for Eric at soccer camp and the one that’s played by America Ferrara gains a white step family. There. The book is better but that should be enough to get you through book 2. Anything else?

Mr. Plunk: Do you think you could keep Meeko from sleeping under here? He takes up a lot of room for a cat.

Lauren: How about I give you a stick and you can poke him?

Mr. Plunk EVILLY: Is it electrified?

Lauren: NO! Have you been talking to Rochester?

Mr. Plunk: Not really. He doesn’t come under the bed and I can’t leave if Cooper doesn’t. Hence the books.

Lauren: What if for one day I give you legs!

Mr. Plunk: What are you? A fairy godmother?

Lauren: As good as for you. Do you want the legs or not?

Mr. Plunk: Are you going to steal my voice in payment? PAUSES. This is just so you don’t have to put your books on the floor isn’t it?

Lauren: You’ll never know. Now choose!


Oh, what’s gonna happen! I totally know! Anyway, I have books that need reading! Night!

Lauren.

So I Can

Today's post is mostly like the past three or four. So I can say I wrote everyday for a year. Technically it's not true given my strange hours of being awake, but there will be 365 posts on the 365th day.

It was the last day of the Feast. Thank God because I honestly couldn't handle a fifth day. Can't wait for the masacre that will be Mother's Day. But that's later. I was bartender again for part of the night and for two nights now, people have said that their Caesar's are the best ones they've ever had. Well, imagine that. I have never had a Caesar. I don't even know what it's supposed to taste like. But apparently I mix a friggin' good one. So now my Caesar making skills are some strange mystery to my coworkers. I also learned how to make a mango margarita! Yay! I can make a drink with Tequilla in it! I was getting bored with Vodka.

The other part of my night was spent in the kitchen. I kept getting splattered by the one fryer... it never liked me, it's the more tempermental of the two. I think it's because Ed hasn't changed it's oil in a bit. I somehow also stirred two woks at the same time. It might not sound that complicated, BUT IT IS! I'm a klutz and it requires a fair bit of coordination. At the same time I had people shouting questions at me about plates and garnishes. Gah! I signed out at 11:30 but by the time we all left, it was a little after midnight.

Given my smell (really not that great), I opted for a long cool shower (I was disgustingly hot) which I hope will force you to excuse the lateness of this post.

Memorable Feast Moments:

Moment 1:

Tanya: Lauren, why are you laying on the gross floor!

Lauren: Because I'm gross. (It was the end of the night and it was so true).


Moment 2:

Abby: I keep friggin' losing count!

Lauren: 6, 20, 100, 45...

Paul: I missed you Lauren.


Moment 3:

I really don't remember... I'm going to ask Helen what's in the water at work... hmmm...


Lauren.

Avoidance Therapy

Well... Feast day number three was bleh. Got some good food out of it though. And I did learn how to make a martini. I also learned how to make rum and coke as well as rye and ginger. It’s sooooo not as easy as it sounds (it actually is). I’m too tired to write something decent again... so here’s a brief summary.

Other than that, I went shopping with my mom. She was nice enough to take me as part of my avoid embarrassment Monday plan. Anyway, remember my post about bra shopping with Helen? If not, it involves speaking loudly, having an attractive woman measure me for a bra, shopping for bras, getting matching underwear and presenting all of this to another incredibly attractive woman behind the counter. Version two of this outing would have included Abby. I have no problem at all with Abby. But I really don’t need her knowing the specifics about my boobs or the size of my ass. Just not something I particularly wanted to deal with. So... I didn’t. About a hundred bucks later... I gots me some new bras! Another sixty bucks and I have socks, underwear and under shirts! YAY! It was a productive day.

And now that I’m sitting at home, really tried, I’m feeling a little better about work. I had a lovely strawberry chocolate smoothy and I’m watching Friends with Meeko. He’s actually sleeping... kind face planted in the cushion of the chair he’s not supposed to be in. Meh. I am not going to bathe and try to return myself to a human state.

Lauren.