AH! BUSY!

Not a lot to say today. I slept for the first time in a few days. And when I woke up, it was still quiet so I went back to sleep. Sue me for taking advantage. Anyway, the rest of today was spent planning the rest of the week and next week. I’m going to be working more than usual. I’m sitting at the Pride table for New Student Orientation next week. I’m finally starting physio for my ankle. I’m trying to organize a meeting for all the editors working on the WC magazine. I’m not going to lie. I like being busy. It gives me less time to think about crap I shouldn’t spend a lot of time thinking about. And then of course I have my writing which I will pick up shortly.

At work tonight things got a little scary... but as always we got through it. I think people would be shocked to find out how many people actually work in the restaurant. Ed and Helen were in New York over the weekend. Before coming home, they stopped off in Toronto. They only got home fifteen minutes after my shift was supposed to start. There were customers waiting for their 5:30 reservation and we couldn’t let them in. It was a mad dash to light candles, water tables, get the bar open, open the kitchen, get the meals going. Thank God they ordered in advance. Downer? Me and Ed started cooking the main courses before the appetizers. We didn’t know they’d be having any. We had to keep what we’d cooked hot while we worked on putting out the appetizers. In the end it turned out alright. But the first two hours of my shift were pretty intense.

That was my day. It was nice. Relaxing but busy enough to keep me from going insane. YAY! Tomorrow I’m hanging out with Dana. Everyone assumes we will be baking. I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.

Lauren.

New Project

Well, the conspiracy continues today. I went to bed at a reasonable hour but I only ended up falling asleep after four o’clock. AM! I’m now cursing that midday nap I took yesterday. So what does a person who can’t sleep do to entertain herself? Plucked my eyebrows, flossed, read, wrote a therapeutic letter, read some more, got a glass of milk, remade my bed, then went to sleep. Anyway, I woke up around ten o’clock My neighbour was once again sawing and hammering. I glared out the window to see what the hell he was even building. It was a two foot high fence protecting his vegetable garden FROM ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I really don’t like him.

Anyway, aside from some sleep deprivation I managed to keep busy today. I got a totally kick ass idea for a series. Yup! Kids books no less. I managed to outline three books. It’s something I’ve wanted to try my hand at for a while but until now I haven’t had the right story. This project would also be my first fantasy work. Well, first real one since I was... nine? I think I’ve grown a bit since then. So I’m pretty excited to see how it turns out. Maybe working on two novels at the same time will help me finish at least one. I’m getting kind of bored with the other one. Switching back and forth might help.

Also, I totally have to give credit for this. I’ve been reading a blog called Perilous Publishing. She suggests writing in an email because it’s less intimidating than staring at a blank screen. It really does help! I usually have a hard time starting a novel, but writing it in an email to myself made it much easier.

I don’t have much more to add. I think I’m going to get back to writing. I’m quite excited.

Lauren.

The Conspiracy Continues

If I ever earn a large sum of money, I am going to buy a house and then buy all the properties adjacent to that house so that I don’t have to deal with neighbours. They are part of the conspiracy that keeps me from sleeping. And we all know how important sleep is... at least to me. Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. My brain just stayed on. It’s rather annoying. But sometime around two o’clock, I passed out. YAY!

Though I was having a weird dream, the content of which I don’t remember, it was good sleep. And then it all came crashing down. Since it’s summer and it’s hot, we keep our windows open. Which is great because a) it saves on energy, and b) it airs out the house. But we have crazy neighbours who start construction at 8:00 AM. I’m an eight hours a night kind of girl. Eight o’clock minus two o’clock come out to six hours of sleep.

I woke up to sledge hammers, circular saws and the pounding of nails. Not impressed. I tried ignoring it but that didn’t work out. So then I imagined a little scenario that made me feel better and I got up. The scenario involved a circular saw, a board, a nail, a hammer and my neighbour of course. I’ll leave you all to imagine the rest.

After visiting one of my aunts with my parents, I watched a movie and then went up to my room to read. One of my mom’s aunts (one I’ve never met) died the other day, so they headed out to my grandparents to be with my grandpa. As I was reading, quiet surrounding me, I started to get dozy. I fell asleep.

But as some of you may know, my cat likes to sit in our screen door. Since I was alone, I locked the screen. The problem with that is it doesn’t unlock from the outside. About fifteen minutes after I fell asleep, my parents came home... and rang the doorbell. I had to get up and let them in. Although, I suppose I didn’t HAVE to let them in... but I did. Because I’m nice. It’s just who I am.

They apologized at least. My stupid neighbour will probably start construction again tomorrow morning. I’d wear earplugs but I feel very vulnerable without one of my senses. I can’t imagine how people who are deaf deal with it. As much as I love quiet, I don’t know that I would be able to tolerate it all the time.

Anyway, I managed to sleep for a bit once my parents settled in. Hopefully that doesn’t hinder my sleep tonight. Meh... I wish I was a cat. They can sleep anywhere, anytime, no matter how much they sleep. I’m jealously staring at Meeko right now... he’s all curled up in a ball, hiding his face beneath a paw. Oh well as far as I can tell I’m stuck being human.

I swear I am not imagining this anti-sleep conspiracy!

(I hope all you Americans out there are amused by my spelling of neighbours)

Lauren.

When I Close My Ears

Remember when I said that when I listen to Ed, I end up hurting myself?

Last summer I was at work, cutting chicken. My knife was dull so Ed took it to sharpen it, giving me his super sharp knife so I could continue working. Everything was going smoothly. Ed was laughing and chanting “don’t cut yourself” over and over again. Well... I ended up cutting myself. Let me say, thank God that knife was hyper sharp. The cut was at least clean. When Ed realized that I was not joking, he rushed over, asked me if I’d bled on the chicken (which I hadn’t) then hurried me over to the sink to rinse my cut out. We couldn’t see how deep the cut was because it was bleeding that badly. You can still see where I cut myself. My nail grew back all weird. Have I told this story before?

This summer, I was finishing up an order of honey walnut chicken. I picked up the hotpot that already had vegetables in it and topped it with the chicken and sauce. Unfortunately it splattered on my hand and caused a lovely second degree burn. You all know the story.

So, some of you suggested that I stop listening to Ed and just do what my gut told me. Well I did tonight. I was plating some ribs (which are smothered in honey walnut sauce) and pushed the plate close to the wok to avoid dripping on the wok station, but I kept my hands far away from the plate. Ed was not happy. Apparently I was spilling sauce everywhere and when I point blank refused to hold up the plate, Ed got a little snippy. There wasn’t even a quarter of a teaspoon of wasted sauce. We got into a few other little disagreements tonight. I am glad the night is done. Guess what? I DIDN'T hurt myself.

I think the rest of tonight was good though. When I got home I had a fantastic cold shower. It was so damn hot in the kitchen. I was all sticky and stinky and gross. And now I think I’m going to go get myself a kick ass bowl of ice cream. With chocolate! And then I’m gonna curl up with a book! Or stretch out and write my book!

I’m going to sleep well tonight!

Lauren.

Seven More Things

I spent most of today emailing and reading. Which would make a really boring post. The results of my emails should be interesting and I’ll tell you all about them then. But for now, they’re just boring emails. Emails! I felt the need to throw that word in there one more time. Just for good measure.

I therefore decree that today’s post shall be about... I actually don’t know. It’s been a while since I’ve stated random facts about myself. Why don’t we do that. I think the standard is 5 or 7 things?

So here we go.

1. In my first year of university I sent out mass emails that proclaimed a letter of the day, words of the day and a sentence of the day incorporating all the words that began with the letter I’d selected. My friends would then email me back with their versions and I would choose the best one. I did that when I got bored in my computer class.
   
2. I have a freckle on one of my toes. My mom likes to point it out on the rare occasions I don’t wear socks. Then we all wonder at how it got there.
   
3. I’ve never broken a bone but I have sprained my ankle twice, foot and three fingers (all at once), I’ve messed up my patella, had a mild concussion and pulled my Achilles tendon. I’ve since stopped playing soccer but not because of my injuries.
   
4. If I had, HAD to name my favourite book, one that really stands out is The Princess and the Goblin. I read it for the first time last summer. I don’t know what it is, maybe all the symbolism and fancy but it was just a really great read.
   
5. The colours I like wearing the most are burgundy, orange, green and black. Not all at the same time of course. Although I’m sure no one would be able to ignore me if ever I did wear them all together.
   
6. I secretly love analysing poetry. It’s like solving a riddle when you’ve finally unpacked all the metaphors and symbols. I also love it when one word changes the whole meaning of the poem. What can I say? I love words and how powerful they are.
   
7. I’m a fictionpress whore. It’s my guilty pleasure. Authors typically post their work by chapter. So during the year when I should be reading other things for school, I can’t just sit and read for fun all day. Except for one certain author... she posts entire novels at a time. It sucks because she’s really great and I actually do sit and read all day. I have no self control.

So there. Seven new facts about Lauren. I think they’re new. Let me know if they’re not. I’m sure I can come up with something else. Like... I can’t eat bananas, eggs or corn. Not because they’re all yellow... though I do hate the colour yellow. They just make me sick. There, the bonus/safety fact.

Lauren.

A Word I Seldom Use

How many times do you get to hear me say this? Today was excellent. Which I think goes to show that the simple things in life really are best. I went out for coffee with my professor today. It was kind of funny because neither of us actually had coffee. I don’t drink the stuff... never have. I had a hot chocolate instead and some cookies. Because really? How can you have hot chocolate and not have some form of dessert?

The last time we went out we discussed a lot of books and Englishy things. Today we were pretty focused on politics I think. Which was interesting for me. I tend not to watch the news because I think those who produce it are glorified fear mongers, but I rather enjoy hearing others talk about what’s going on. I had two memorable moments. One was when I told her about the problems we were having getting Pride going at school. Her face was priceless. She then offered to help us out. I think her particular offer could cause a good ole’ fashion shit raisin’. Which could be fun while being incredibly helpful. For the other moment, I was the one with the priceless expression. I couldn’t see it, but I was so shocked it must have been priceless. Apparently an exchange student, I don’t know where from so I’ll just say he’s black, got a job here in town, but was later fired by the manager because customers wouldn’t like him working there. I seriously thought I’d gone back in time a few decades. Not that it was right then either. Have I witnessed little racist moments, yeah I have. Who hasn’t? I haven’t however heard or seen anything so... blatant and intentional. When the hell does the world start making sense? When do we stop focusing on the small differences and start paying attention to all the big things that make us the same? When does the small mindedness stop? Anyway, I got riled up, I think my professor got riled up but we had a good conversation. I enjoyed it anyway.

Get this, I also exercised. By choice. My professor was going to walk back to her place and since we were going in the same direction, I opted out of the smelly, late, lonely bus ride. At this point we reverted back to talking about Englishy things.

When we passed the high school where I’d done my placement, I noticed today was graduation day. I’ll be seeing a few of the kids I taught next year. Won’t that be creepy? Hopefully the Madame Daily thing died on the last day of my placement. I won’t be able to tolerate it once school starts. I am not married, nor am I old enough to be called Madame out of respect.

I’m really getting off topic today. Focus... While it was hot out, there was a nice breeze so the walk was pleasant. Unfortunately I won’t be able to see my prof until September but I’ll still harass her by email. We said goodbye at a highway intersection. She had a few errands to run and I was headed home. About two minutes after getting through the front door, I busied myself drinking a near gallon of ice tea. It was hot outside okay!

Lauren.

My Day in Three Parts

I started writing this post in the library at school this morning. Most of it will be below this intro. But interesting and strange things have happened today since I wrote. For one, my mom was watching The View again. I didn’t pay attention. Round of applause! After she went back to work however, we had an earthquake. Yeah, you read that right, an earthquake. It was really minor, kind of like a big truck was driving by my house, but the weird thing is, not everyone felt it. For instance, I felt it, stuff around the house was rattling. My dad was a ten minute drive away, working outside, and he didn’t feel a thing. The last time we had an earthquake I must have been around twelve. I remember hearing a loud rumbling, not unlike a garbage truck. Then given the early hour, I decided it was nothing and went back to sleep. Imagine my surprise the next morning. But how weird is that?

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

I love books. It therefore stands to reason that I also love libraries, the home of books. And I do. I love the quiet. I love the smell (yes, the smell!). I love that I actually seem to get work done because there are fewer things to distract me.

(I wrote this at around 8:40 while I waited for my very early therapy appointment)

I think the girl next to me is about ready to murder me. This stupid keyboard has a sticky space bar so it sounds like I'm typing loud enough for elephants on Mars to hear. I don't know why there would be an elephant on Mars but that's the image I chose. I don't even know why I chose elephant... maybe because they're big and high up... then again, so are giraffes. Okay, I'm typing loud enough for an elephant AND a giraffe on Mars to hear. Also, the little scroll ball thing on the mouse squeaks. Funny isn't it? My mouse squeaks? It actually sounds more like quarrelling chipmunks. Either way it's not so funny in dead silence. Maybe I should get the girl’s name and apologize formally on behalf of this once lovely but now well used equipment. Maybe not.

And while all of this is probably fascinating there is something else I wanted to write about. Last night while dishwashing, I got an idea for a post. So here it is:

THINGS THAT SOUND BAD AND MAKE PEOPLE STARE!

Of course I'm very experienced at saying things, having people take it the wrong way and having to back pedal. Unfortunately I could only think of one incident and I like doing things in either threes or fives. Call it OCD if you want. It’s why this was never a full post.

Our story begins during my Toronto adventure some weeks ago. We were sitting in the living room, watching something on TV. My aunt and my great aunt were talking about various medical procedures and then, my great aunt mentioned that she was having an ultrasound done. I suddenly piped up.

"I hate those! They friggin' hurt!"

They both looked at me and my aunt asked me where I'd had my ultrasound. I demonstrated the area around my pelvis. My aunts stared at me a moment, everything was silent. Then my great aunt asked me why I'd had the ultrasound done. I explained that I'd been experiencing pain in that area and that Mother Nature had mailed my monthly gift but that it never arrived. More silence. I finally caught on and announced my non-pregnancy.

"Yeah, those do hurt because they have to press down..." my great aunt went on as if undisturbed.

Neither of them knows I'm gay and neither of them see me often enough to know that I couldn't possibly be pregnant. But it was an awfully fun little moment. God I’m mean.

Lauren.

Shows I Shouldn't Watch

You know when you wake up and the day just doesn’t seem promising at all? That happened to me today. It was raining and gloomy and that didn’t change all day. It was only slightly nightmarish for me because I had to catch the bus to work.

When I walked into the kitchen with my stuff I was literally dripping wet, but still managed to say hi to Helen. She was cleaning the woks again. She cleans them every Tuesday. She didn’t like the sound of my ‘hi’ and asked me what was wrong. She hadn’t seen me at that point. I came back up the stairs and I told her: “I’m cold, I’m wet and my uterus is trying to kill me.” She stared at me for a second (because no one knows what to expect when I’m talking) then told me not to stand in front of the fan, I would catch a cold. It was kind of funny and sweet in Helen’s weird and wonderful way. It took me most of the night to warm up, but because I was dishwashing, it was impossible to get dry.

I guess Helen felt bad for me. Later, she offered me some ice cream. I ended up eating two pear and ginger sorbets as well as an ice cream I forget the name of. YAY!

I also watched The View today. I don’t watch it often but my mom came home for lunch and that’s what she was watching. Let me tell you! I don’t think I’ll watch it again for a while. They are annoying! Ugh. Sherri and Elizabeth were coming down on Janeane Garafollo for saying Barrack Obama’s speech calling for prayer to help the Gulf oil spill disaster was “anti-intellectual and pandering”. So... Lauren’s thoughts. Oil spills like this one seem to be technical, engineering, scientific problems which is what I took “intellectual” to mean. And while prayer which is “religious and spiritual” can’t hurt, God also has the right to say “No, I don’t think I’ll help you out with this one”. So, pray on, by all means, but I’m thinking getting some engineers in there will help out too. Next thing that... bothered me, was the discussion about keeping gay men from donating blood because apparently there’s a fear of AIDS. Gah! Haven’t we figured out yet that AIDS doesn’t come from gay people? We don’t have a gene! Also, apparently black gay men on the down low are responsible for the spread of AIDS in the African American community. How is that not homophobic? No wonder they don’t come out. I’m pretty sure that regardless of race, ethnicity, gender or sexual orientation, anyone is capable of infecting a partner with AIDS. Why is it that the conservative ones are the loudest on that show? They piss me off. I lost track of how many times my eyebrow raised and how many times I was shouting “What? WTF? Seriously!? Are you friggin’ kidding me?!” They didn’t listen. And here’s my final comment on the matter, coming out isn’t only hard for those of African descent. Other races, cultures, ethnicities have their own hang ups that make it hard.

Okay, I’m done now. I really shouldn’t watch that show... Sorry about the rant.

Lauren.

Animurderess... Almost

Ding dong!

Marmellglarmfla. Rolling over. Two minutes elapse.

Ding Dong! I sit up in bed, glare at my closed door and slide out of bed. I slip into a comfy pair of jeans, try to comb through my hair with my fingers. Finally I open the door. My sister’s friend is standing there all smiley.

“Hi!” he says, in his usually cheery way. He is a very polite guy after all.

“Hey,” I respond, giving him one more indicator that I just got up. I don’t think he shrank away from my horrid breath.

“Sorry I woke you up. Uh, are they here?” Are they here? Really? Of course they’re here.

“Yeah, they’re just being useless,” I grumble, closing the door behind him and walking away. “I’ll get them for you.” I bang on my sister’s bedroom door. “Your friend is here!”

“What?” I hear yelled from the other side of the door.

“Your friend is here,” I repeat, opening the door, glaring at my sister and her boyfriend, lounging in bed, watching a movie. I then leave and return to my room, but only to find an elastic with which I tie my hair and to grab my laptop. Once again, I’m awake for someone else’s business.

As I’m heading toward the living room, one of the only rooms my sister has not befouled with her slobbish habits, I notice that some of the dishes have been done. My sister had obviously been awake a while and washed only the dishes she’d used in the last few days. I roll my eyes and smirk, not knowing why I expected anything different. That is how my day began.

Anyway, thanks largely to the comments on yesterday’s post, I feel like telling you the following story. I was eighteen at the time and it was days before my high school graduation. I don’t remember why we chose that weekend, but my best friend decided she was going to take me trout fishing. She had a cabin a few hours away from town. We left right after one of my late night soccer games so it was pitch black. We almost hit a moose and I spotted another one that my friend saw fit to stalk with her truck. I got pissed and told her to get back on the road. They’re huge alright! I didn’t feel like having a moose charging at me. The next day we caught about twelve trout (which I’m fairly certain is illegal) all of which my friend killed, gutted and cooked. As we drove back toward her cabin, we nearly hit a rabbit. The fish was really good. On the day we were to leave, a bear cub ran out in front of her truck. She didn’t hit it. A little farther down the road, a partridge decided to stand in the middle road and lead us toward the highway. After about ten minutes of crawling behind a really dumb partridge, I got annoyed and in a very uncharacteristic move, asked my friend if she could just hit it. She’d done everything but hit it to get it out of the way. Luckily for the partridge, she refused and it waddled off. We didn’t see any other animals on the drive home. Thank God.

Note the vacant expression. Nothin' goin' on in there.

There’s a lot more to that story but I thought you would enjoy the various animal sightings, deaths and near deaths of various Canadian animals. The partridge I saw yesterday almost walked out in front of my sister’s car. I don’t know how they aren’t extinct yet.

Also, I actually really do love animals. And I wasn’t driving during any of this. Just so you know.

Lauren.

Journey North

It was a quiet day, until the alarm on my mom’s cell phone went off at nine. I only went to bed after 2:00 AM. This may be a shocking tidbit, but I have no freaking clue how to work a cell phone. I don’t own one, I don’t want one, I don’t like using them, I don’t care what the excuse is. I stared around my room dumbly for a moment. Then I realized the beeping wouldn’t stop on its own. I stumbled out of bed, flipped it open and turned it off completely. How it got turned on is still beyond me. Why there was an alarm at all is equally a mystery. I stumbled back up the stairs to bed thinking that was the end of that dilemma. I was wrong. My sister called about an hour later. After that I decided to just get up.

Eventually she got home and we almost instantly set out on a forty minute drive even farther north to a provincial park where my parents are camping. They love their trailer. I don’t. It freaks me out. For a trailer it’s pretty big. For me to live in, it’s just not going to happen. I was alright for a while but come six o’clock, the beginnings of a panic attack were setting in. Because neither of us wanted to stay the night (me because I get extremely claustrophobic and my sister because of her social life) we left at 7:30.

In between that time, my mother took me on a short hike to their campground. We played cards which as always was... unnerving. My sister turns into Monica from Friends but with an equal amount of silly thrown in. My mom gets silly and usually plays along. I usually joke around a bit and get a headache. My dad just watches us, shakes his head and says very little. The same goes for movie watching except my sister drops the Monica and becomes very clingy and cuddly and harasses our mom. Anyone within twenty or a hundred feet must think we’re insane. But that’s just another day in our family. For the most part I find our insanity amusing.

We left the park with a stern warning against moose. My parents repeated and explained to us the benefits of driving behind transports. In short: Moose are big, your car is not. Transports are big. Let them hit the moose. We didn’t see moose. I did see a partridge, possibly the dumbest animal to walk the planet, or the most suicidal, I haven’t decided. The partridge was only in the pear tree because it couldn’t remember how to get down. Trust me. My sister saw a deer. When we got home we both saw a sleepy kitty we’d just awakened.

That was my day. I wish I could have slept more. Feasts always knock the energy out of me. Alas! There is work to be done! I have to do some writing today.

Lauren.

A Pain in my Feet

My second and final day of the Feast. I am not sorry it’s over. My feet are pounding in my head. If you don’t understand that and wish to, all you have to do is stand on a tile floor for... anywhere between six and eight hours. Tonight was closing in on eight hours.

It went better tonight. In my opinion anyway. We left earlier than last night, had more guests and I think everything ran smoother... at least once I got behind the bar. I started my shift in the kitchen making dumplings. According to Helen, I make them better than professionals. I don’t know why she’s saying that... but it resulted in me making 246 dumplings in about three hours. I don’t know if that’s slow or fast, but at one point, Helen came in and told me to hurry up. I was feeling particularly defensive because I seem to recall being promised help. LIES! Anyway, I responded with the following:

“Yes Helen, I’ll try. Go-go Gadget hand!”

She didn’t hear me because she’d already left the kitchen. My other co-workers thought it was funny. Later we had regular tables coming in before the Feast. Helen was freaking out. When the tables at last arrived, she burst into the kitchen shouting: “They’re coming! They’re coming!” I of course, looked up from my dumpling-making and asked Abby if they were British. I would have responded “One if by land! Two if by sea!” but that was too long. Abby seemed to think it was funny.

After the 246 dumplings I was liberated from the kitchen. I got to make a crap load of martinis and Caesars from that point on. One of the features of the Feast was a watermelon martini. I will say, it actually looked pretty good. Another alcoholic beverage that appealed to me, the non-drinker, was Cognac. It smelled really fantastic and is also apparently really expensive. Generally speaking I seem to be attracted to rather pricey alcohol. I’ll say I like something and Helen will tell me how much it costs. Another good reason not to drink...

The night did end though. To my surprise, Abby and Alma each gave me some of their tips. I don’t usually get tips because I’m not a server. In case this doesn’t seem fair, minimum wage for servers is less than other staff because they make tips. Personally I think it’s silly. And for that reason I was touched and grateful that they thought of me.

How does one celebrate the end of a day like today? A well earned, delicious, wonderful bath. And yes, the bath was delicious. Anything that makes you go “ahhhhhhhhh!” is in fact delicious.

Lauren.

Another Feast! They never end!

It was the second night of the Summer Feast but it was my first night working. It wasn’t particularly awful though I will say, I think other worldly forces were at play. We forgot a table of five. That could have been a disaster. We ended up having enough food to cover it thankfully. The servers delivered a cake to the wrong table. They only just caught it in time. Ed broke a plate loaded with food. It shattered flinging glass everywhere. We were trying to cook dumplings but the pilot light went out on the wok. Ed had to move the two steamers off the wok, lift it and relight it. I think you get the idea. There were a few other things... I almost mixed up the regular batter with the tempura batter. I maintain that it’s not my fault. All of these things were relatively minor but they had the potential to really mess up the rest of the night.

In other news, I have made yet another discovery and will share with you my new knowledge.

WHEN TO CHANGE YOUR NAME:

1. When you just can’t stand people shouting it at you, making you turn and spin around in a manner almost guaranteed to give you whiplash.
2. When you get too good at something... like say, making dumplings and the praise you receive lands you the job of making them for the remainder of the Feast.
3. When a co-worker has a name that sounds a lot like yours.

If done in a timely fashion, changing your name will give you the following:

1. Anonymity (provided you don’t share your name with anyone)
   
2. The ability to fly under the radar (avoiding any pesky praise).
   
3. A clear way to differentiate yourself from another person.
   
4. Ignorance of a particular situation (like... where all the cloths are. Ed steals them and blames me).
   
5. Opportunity to rid yourself of responsibilities assigned to your other name.
   

Although... you wouldn’t be able to cash your pay checks that way... I’m going to keep thinking about this one.

Tomorrow night I have to work again but I’ll be bartending. On the upside, the restaurant is way cooler than the kitchen. Meaning I’ll have to drink less to replace all the water I lost sweating. I’m also way less stressed as bartender.

BUT I’M OFF SUNDAY!

Lauren... aka... I’m just gonna say... Irma. No one will think to call me that.

Lauren/Irma.

Better Booger Catchers!

I don’t really know what to talk about today. I’m not in a very chatty mood. I went to therapy and we’ll just say it wasn’t really fun. I feel better now, but then it really sucked. Andrea didn’t have a Kleenex box so she had to run out and get one. While she was out, I was busy imagining a giant closet filled with only boxes of Kleenex from top to bottom. The box she brought back was pretty so that was nice. I think I will have to suggest a cushier kind though because I blew my nose so often that my skin got a little irritated. At least it’s not that generic hospital crap. God, that would be awful! I am however pleased with the size of Andrea’s garbage can. It’s not my fault I get really snotty (I’m talking about literal snot) when I cry... Lauren’s suggestion for a better therapy experience? Maybe we could try some Puffs...?

Actually, here’s another question, if paper towels can be so absorbent, why can’t Kleenex? I don’t find the moisture retention satisfactory in the least. If I have to use two tissues to blow my nose once, I think that’s just wasteful. And that’s not just boogers, tears don’t hold in there very well either! So, Lauren’s suggestion for a better tissue: more absorbency! Like a soft tissue-sized paper towel! I claim the idea! MINE!

Other than that, I met a pet hedgehog today. I’d never really seen one before. It was quite amusing. They hiss and scare the crap out of big dogs. Their quills look a bit like fingernails... but they don’t have barbs on them like porcupines. And it’s really quite neat to see them all curled up in a ball. They have this kind of spiky hood that comes over their eyes to protect them. I had fun with the owner of this hedgehog. She hasn’t named him yet. She wants something... unusual. I suggested Engelbert. The hedgehog promptly began hissing again. We took that to mean “Hail no!”. She suggested Orville. He liked that much more. At least he stopped hissing and kind of popped his head out of his protective ball.



That’s the way the day went down. If anyone with Kleenex improvement powers is reading this, I wouldn’t mind getting some free Kleenex out of my awesome ideas (for therapy of course).

Lauren.

Like Goldmember

My band-aid search has ended! I have found one that actually works. My parents bought a liquid band-aid, which I have to agree with Kathryn, smells of nail polish remover. It kind of freaked me out that it’s in an aerosol can and it says: Keep away from flames. That got me to thinking, does that mean while in the can or is it still flammable when on my skin. 'Cause I tend to work in close proximity to a great many appliances that rely on flames. Can you imagine my thumb catching on fire because of a stupid band-aid? How ironic would it be that I used it to help heal a burn?

Anyway, this “New Skin” as it’s called is apparently good for bowlers, golfers, tennis players, fishermen, musicians, runners, hikers and dancers. If it’s good for bowlers... I think it will be satisfactory for me.

The only thing is, it kind of started coming off at the edges. Like flaking off. It reminded me of the Dutch villain in Austin Powers’ Goldmember. The one who peels off his skin and puts it in a box? Oh wait... his name is Goldmember too! It was a combination of gross and funny thanks to Mike Myers. So, to the people at “New Skin”, you might want to think about that one. Otherwise, I have no complaints. If it can survive a whole shift, that puts it way ahead of bandages that don't last five minutes.

But on to today’s “That’s so Lauren!” moment. I was carrying a whole whack of dishes out to the front tonight at work. It didn’t take me long to realize that not all the plates had originally been on the buffet table. Some had come out of a box! I asked Helen how many came out of this box. She told me however many it took to fill it. As always, I took off, grumbling to myself, dragging all the plates back to the kitchen. Thing is, my professor decided to come in for supper tonight and she came out of the washroom just as I was in full conversation... with myself. Almost everyone I know, knows that I talk to myself. It’s just a bit embarrassing when people find out the way that she did. Normally I talk to myself so that I remember to do things. I’m a pretty evenly visual, auditory and tactile learner. I can’t do the visual/tactile thing at work so I talk to myself. Tonight I was just ranting. Anyway, because it caught me off guard, I rambled a bunch of crap in explanation, most of which I don’t remember, but I did mention having five imaginary friends. She left smiling and once I was safely back in the kitchen, I burst out laughing.

I need to get out more and interact with other... we’re humans right?

Lauren.

Realizations From the Bottom of a Garbage Bag

Today I found myself scraping rotten food from two day old dirty dishes into the garbage can. The best way I can describe the smell is... there is no way. I had to leave at one point because I was on the verge of throwing up. The steam from the water was carrying the smell and shoving it ever so rudely into my nostrils. In the end, I just stared into the smelly black depths of the garbage bag and thought “I am so much better than this”.

I had an absolutely miserable shift at work. I was pissed right off all night and things just kept adding up and pissing me off more. When I came in, the kitchen was upside down. I got to clean it. Then came the nasty dishes that should have been blown up rather than cleaned. After that I got to cut onions (which I hate), peppers, cilantro and zucchini. Naturally, because I was itching to get home, these two guys came in just as the kitchen was closing. I cleaned the kitchen again, finished setting up the dining room and suddenly Helen felt the urge to organize both freezers in the basement. SHIFT THAT WOULD NEVER END!

I don’t have much more to say unfortunately. Not a great day. I’m going to go ahead and say this was probably my worst shift since Valentine’s Day. I think I’m going to have a long hot bath and try to repress today’s memories.

Lauren.

Random, Probably Outdated, Medical Knowledge

I’ve been oddly inspired as of yesterday. Last night I couldn’t sleep. My brain would not shut up. So I got out of bed, brushed out my hair and plunked myself down in front of my dinosaur. My dinosaur is what I call my desktop computer because well... it’s over ten years old. Still kicking though. I don’t have internet access on that computer and there’s next to nothing on it in terms of programs aside from word processing software. It’s the perfect distraction free zone. Well, as perfect as any zone can get with my attention span. I ended up going back to bed at three in the morning, but I wrote about half my chapter. I finished it up at a more decent hour today. When I finish with this post, I think I’m going to hop back on and tackle another chapter. Hopefully I can turn it into a streak. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to sit down and actually write a novel. I’m a bit rusty but I think I’m getting there. Slowly.

In this chapter my main character collapses randomly in a hallway and claims to be suffering from an embolism. She’s trying to avoid her friends’ incessant questions. Because I’m a huge nerd and think random knowledge is hysterical and wonderful, I don’t know if it is outside of my little world or not, but I pretty much worked in the definition of what an embolism is. In the process of looking it up in an ancient medical dictionary I happen to own (my dad was a paramedic, I stole the book...) I came across a few other interesting conditions in the glossary. For instance:

Hairy Tongue: A rare condition which may occur after use of antibiotics, or from unknown causes; intertwining hair-like filaments form black or brownish patches on the tongue. The disease, if it may be called such, is harmless. The hairy patches may disappear quickly or persist for months. (My first thought, ewwww)

Phlebitis: Inflammation of the walls of a vein, which may lead to formation of a clot (thrombophlebitis). (Clearly not a funny condition but the word itself is rather fun to say. I think it’s the phleb.)

Narcissism: Self love. A psychological term. (The actual definition is much longer but it amused me because it sounded more like something out of one of my mythology text books. Also, this definition was ascribed to me in some way, which is total crap. So it amuses me to this day.)

Eructation: a belch. (The friggin’ definition has fewer letters than the term.)

Bleb: A small blister usually filled with blood or fluid. (So to new parents, your baby may in fact be trying to tell you something.)


Anyway, I’m afraid to check how old this book is. As a result, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW ACCURATE ANY OF THE STUFF I’VE LISTED ABOVE IS. That’s my disclaimer. Except for narcissism. Not only because it was applied to me! And now to change the topic, back to writing I go. Actually, I’m hungry so... off to the kitchen I go! But then I’ll go back to writing.

Lauren.

Harry References

A boring, quiet day. I rather appreciated it. I watched a bunch of movies and started reading a new book. I took quite a chunk out of it. It’s interesting so far, a neat, modern twist on Victorian literature. Thing is, I’m seeing the plot starting to unfold within the first 100 pages. I’m hoping I’m wrong about my assumptions and that there are some twists I don’t see coming. We’ll see.

My cake went over quite well. Finally got to try some! I lied, it was delicious! I was telling my professor about it the other day. I mentioned that I hadn’t screwed up any of the recipes from that particular book. Her reply was “Annotations from the Half-Blood Prince?” I’m absolutely ashamed to say it took a second for me to get it. For those who are not Harry Potter fans, in the sixth book (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince), Harry comes across a potions book with notes scribbled in it. The notes are written by the Half-Blood Prince aka Severus Snape and enable Harry to make flawless potions. We get into Harry Potter arguments a lot now that I think of it. Harry vs Twilight. Harry always wins and Twilight always gets massacred (as is only right because there is no comparison). Although we did have an interesting discussion once about Edward and his place in history. We also argue over the ending of the Harry Potter series. I think it’s too neat and happy, she argues the contrary.


If anyone wants to argue my stance on Twilight, bring it! I’ve read them, I’ll take you on! (I’m joking, not actually challenging you.)

Lauren.

Mystery With Side of Carrot Cake

I have two things to report today. One is that not only was another mystery discovered at the Daily household, yet another mystery was solved.

This is my mom’s garden. The one in front of the house anyway. See that empty corner off to the left? Yeah, that’s where the tulips go. Notice anything else?

How about in this picture? Yup, holes. Obviously some little critter has a serious tulip bulb craving.

The mystery was which critter was happily digging holes and chowing down. We have chipmunks, squirrels, even a ground hog. But which of these rodent-like animals was guilty? Who needed to be punished!? My dad was leaning toward groundhog. It’s a good thing he’s not a judge. I got a stealth video of the culprit in action! A cute little chipmunk was bent half in, half out of the hole, back legs stretched about as far as they could go. He was digging like a lunatic with his front paws, shoving... whatever was left in the hole into his mouth. It was hysterical actually. I wish I could upload the video but my computer is being stupid.

Thing two involves boredom and a serious sweet tooth. I didn’t feel like going out to satisfy my craving for sugar. So naturally, I ran downstairs and picked up my favourite cookbook. I flipped through the pages and came across a cake that we actually had the ingredients for. Well... most of the ingredients. It's a carrot cake with cream cheese icing. I was all excited until I saw that I didn’t have icing sugar for the icing. I WAS NOT GIVING UP THAT EASILY THOUGH! I took to the internet in search of a substitute. Apparently 1 cup of granulated sugar mixed with a teaspoon of corn starch, blended to a powder will do the trick. I think the icing is a bit runnier than it would have been with the real deal, but it seems to be working. Might I add that icing a cake AND making it look good is hard! It's not one of my talents.

The recipe was really simple, but it involved a little more prep work than usual. Not that I minded. I was bored so it suited me fine. I was highly amused by how orange the wet mixture was. Once the dry ingredients were added the batter wasn’t nearly as fun. But it tasted good. When it came time to do the icing, I discovered I needed a bigger bowl. Once I got the bigger bowl, I discovered it wasn’t big enough either... I think I got all of it... I’m sure I’ll find out later.


It’s odd that my desire to eat food out of boredom also translates to making food. And I don’t ever really feel a need to eat what I bake. I like seeing other’s eat and enjoy my little projects. Three of my coworkers have asked me about baking as a career choice. I don’t think I could. Baking is fun. I think doing it en mass would take some of that away. I’m much happier thinking that if I ever have children they’ll be the treat dealers of the playground. Ugh... Why can’t you get to a girl’s heart through her stomach! I know the answer to that question... don’t bother telling me.

In other news, the bridal shower was alright. I was my usual semi-anti-social self. The bride got nice gifts, weed whacker, screw driver and plier sets included. And then my shift at work got cancelled... hence the baking. To another day spent keeping myself busy!

Lauren.

Band-Aid Hunt!

I'm sure you can tell, but I got bored today. Do I really have to make you guess what I did? Anyway, I don't know if I like it yet or not. Figured I might as well check things out... I can always change it back right? RIGHT?! What have I done! I hate change! I'm kidding. I'll be fine.

Tomorrow I get to go to a bridal shower for my cousin's fiancee. Woo. I won't know most of the people there. And the ones I have met, I've had to serve at work. I'm sure it'll be fine, but my usual pessimism and bitterness is acting up. After that I get to go to work.

Speaking of work, does anyone know if there's a super adhesive, won't come off your finger no matter what, band-aid out there? None of the ones I've tried are kitchen proof and it's remarkably difficult to keep my crater/burn infection free. Although it's looking a lot less like a crater today. I'm taking this as a good sign. I did a bit of research yesterday and I did... pretty much everything wrong when it comes to burn care.

So, for future reference:

- run under cool water (which I did! YAY! One out of four)
- don't pop blisters (I ripped it off by accident!)
- 2nd and 3rd degree burns should be treated by professionals (my bad...)
- seek help if 2nd or 3rd degree burns are on hands (it's on my thumb and my thumb is part of my hand...)

I discovered I have a second degree burn. DAMN YOU HONEY WALNUT SAUCE! Apparently, and I'm judging by experience here, sugar get really hot and tends to stay that way regardless of how much time it stays on your hand out in the open. Now I’m kind of more pissed at my boss for taking the hotpot and saving the food, leaving my hand to burn, rather than taking a cloth and wiping it off while I tried not to drop the food. It was quite painful but at the same time, it turned out to be kind of... funny? Kristi, the new girl, noticed me with a band-aid and asked me what happened. I told her I’d burnt myself. Considering that the first time I met her was my first day back from my foot injury, her only response was: “You really are clumsy aren’t you?”

The upside of my life is that my hobbies are completely risk free. Well, not completely but the worst that can happen is a case of carpal tunnel or paper cuts. I can live with that. Back to my writing!

Lauren.

Cat Lady Meets Golden Girls

I actually have nothing to say today. Like really nothing. I haven’t even been awake for twelve hours yet. I watched movies, read my email, wrote a little, went to work. Work was so dead that after we closed up, Helen, Abby and of course me sat at one of the tables eating cheese cake and talking. Very Golden Girls now that I think of it. Who would I have been... Abby gets Rose, no questions there. I think I’d be Dorothy. Sophia would go to Helen. Too bad Paul wasn’t there. He could have been Blanche. The only reason I am getting away with saying that is because Paul doesn’t read my blog. That I know of... This’ll be a great way to find out! He'd love it anyway...

I did get a really cool email today though. It made me all warm and fuzzy and a little giddy, I won’t lie. At the end of my Creative Writing class we had to write a critical review of one other student in the class. I wrote mine about a girl named Erin. Weird thing is, she wrote hers about me. Finally, yesterday, after we both got over being too embarrassed to show each other what we wrote, we exchanged critiques. It was all good! She mentioned me rejecting the ‘normal’ which I thought was kick ass. She also said a few things about attention to small details and creating well rounded characters. It really meant a lot coming from her too because I personally think she was one of the stronger writers in the class.

That was my day. Caught between Cat Lady movie watching and the Golden Girls. I don’t think I can argue with Erin’s “rejecting the normal” compliment.

Lauren.

A Day Spent Thinking

Freud whispering: Lauren. Lauren... are you in zhere?

Magda whispering: What do you think it is?

Rochester marching up to Lauren: Don’t care. I finally have an opportunity to get some revenge.

Magda: What are you talking about? Realization dawns. You are not going to kick her for sending you to Reykjavik are you?

Rochester: Damn straight. Or not so straight in her case. Rochester disappears suddenly and with a pop.

Freud: Vell, zat iss a good sign... she issen’t brain dead. Her sought process seems to be working perfectly. Ozervise she vould not heve been able to send Rochester on anozer ‘vacation’.

Magda: Thank you Captain Obvious. Now, can you tell us anything we don’t already know? Like, I don’t know, just throwing it out there, why she isn’t moving? Or! Why she’s staring at that same spot on the wall? Or why I can do this, poking Lauren in the arm constantly for two minutes, and not get a reaction.

Freud: She’s obviously sinking, oh Queen of Answerless Quvestions.

Magda: Thank you for recognizing our status difference. Now, as Queen, I’m ordering you to figure this out.

Freud: It vas meant to be an alliteration!

Magda: And once again your perceived superiority blows up in your face.

Freud angrily: Vhy don’t you make yourself useful and get my bag. I’m sure I have some tools in zhere sat vill vake Lauren from her current state. Magda gives him a large black leather bag. Sank you. Now, let us begin ze testing. You take notes. Freud rings a bell in front of Lauren’s face. Maggie, note zat Lauren iss not drooling.

Magda: Pavlov? Really?

Freud annoyed: Note it please. One must begin at ze beginning. Now ze air raid alarm.

Magda covering her ears and shouting as alarm sounds: WE AREN’T IN 1942!

Freud: But note zat zhere is still no response.

Magda: Why? What is it that you’re proving?

Freud: Zhat she iss not a dog and zhat she is not in 1942. She iss still human and in ze present. She doesn’t seem to be experiencing any cerebral disturbances. Perhaps somesing more modern. Pulls out an air horn, to no effect.

Magda: Any more brilliant ideas?

Freud: Just one. COOKIES! Lauren snaps to attention.

Lauren: Sorry what did you say? I was thinking.

Freud: Vhat on earth vere you sinking about? You did not hear anysing?

Lauren: I dunno. I think I heard something about cookies. I kind of do want cookies. Hmmm... I’m going to the kitchen. You guys want anything?

Magda: Great, you just managed to make her want cookies! Another great achievement.

Freud: But it iss! Take note! I can plant suggestions into Lauren’s mind providing zat zhey related to food.


In case you were curious, Meeko has an opinion to contribute as well.

Have a good one.

Lauren.

In the Middle

I found myself in a rather unique position today; one I can say that I’ve never been in before. Maybe it’s strange, I don’t know, but I never had any regrets or desire to change anything from my past. Everything that’s happened to me has made me who I am. And I love who I am.

I was surprised this morning, totally caught off guard actually, and all of a sudden I couldn’t say so definitively that I didn’t have regrets or a desire to change events from my past. It was a very strange feeling and that same feeling is now bugging the crap out of me. It’s a very complicated situation, but at the same time, it’s very simple.

Some people mark our lives, for better or worse. There’s only one person in/out of my life that fits into both categories. She makes up my best and favourite memories while also making up the most difficult and worst. She was my sister, my best friend, the one person who knew just about everything about me. I only ever kept one secret from her and I don’t think it was much of a secret. We pulled each other out of dark, scary places more than once. Saying goodbye to her, growing apart from her were the two hardest things I’ve lived.

I didn’t think twice about my goodbye letter. I knew it was what I had to do. Not what I wanted by any means. But I knew that I couldn’t relate to who she’d become. I thought twice today. I was at my placement, in front of a new class, preparing to give a presentation about puns. In the middle of the room was my best friend’s brother. For months now I’ve been able to think of her as little as humanly possible. But with him sitting there... I started thinking about everything she told me the last time we spoke, about the things she wrote me in her last email. It seems that I can’t have her in my life but that I can’t get her out of it either. I wish things were different.

Anyway, apart from that I had a really good but really busy day. My second pun presentation went much better. I was with “my regular class”. It was really cool. The kids were participating, asking questions, laughing, calling me Madame Daily (which was weird). It was a nice way to end my placement. I also visited my grandma. We had a good visit in which we discussed the disintegration of today’s educational system and the destruction of the English and French language by today’s youth. What else... I went to work after that. We had a lot of takeout orders which was strange but kind of nice. I’m also now supposed to teach Helen how to ride a bike. She never learned so I volunteered. We’ll see if it actually happens.

Kind of a surprising, tiring day. It was good, but I’m glad it’s over.

Lauren.

The Things I Learned Today

First off, I’ve managed to get myself out of my bad mood. YAY! Second, I had a good day! YAY again. I know what you’re thinking. But what did you learn Lauren? What did you learn? Well, since you asked, I’m thinking that you should hold on a second and I’ll tell you.

I learned that:

1. One must never get between a girl and her pickle. No, that’s not a euphemism. I’m actually talking about a pickle. I went out to lunch with my friend/editor Alanna today. She asked if she could eat my pickles. Since I’m not fond of them, I was quite pleased to let her. But then the waiter came by and I accidentally told him to take my plate! I forgot there was still a pickle on it! I am such an ass! Alanna, with superhero-like speed might I add, snatched that pickle from that plate seconds before the waiter disappeared.
2. Never listen to older adults. Whenever I listen to Ed at work I hurt myself. This time, he told me to hold the hotpot up to the wok so that I didn’t spill anything. So I did. And then the sauce splattered on my hand. It was hotter than boiling. My response: Sonofabitch! Ed’s response: he grabbed the hotpot and put it on the stove. Last night, my mom suggested not wearing a band-aid on my icky blister so it would heal faster. I listened and woke up this morning with no more blister! Yeah... ripped it off at some point. Now I have a painful crater in my thumb! So, NO MORE LISTENING TO ADULTS! I prefer to listen to my petulant inner five year old.
3. Writing the same thing over and over makes it ass-numbingly dull. I started working on chapter 3 today. I’m actually getting stuff done! It’s moving forward! I wish there was an effective way of writing a girlish squeal! I honestly thought I was going crazy after all the problems I had with chapters 1 and 2. Then again, I wrote them about three times last year when I started this project. This year, when I made a lot of changes to the plot and point of view, it took another few times to get it to where I wanted it. I’m there! My inner five year old is jumping and dancing about.

These are the things that I learned today. I also officially announced my desire to pursue my M.A. in Creative Writing. My professor seemed excited for me which was interesting. Outside of the blog world I didn’t get much of a reaction. It’s kind of nice.

Lauren.

I Feel... Blah.

Another short post for another boring day. I like quiet more than the average person, but all that time to think is starting to make me crazy. Er. Nothing like silence to make you feel lonely. Er.

I went to see a movie with Abby, Sarah and Lisa from work. It was fun. Abby thinks that my foot looked like a dead blue fish when I injured it. I don't really understand the comparison and I was unable to get a decent explanation from her. Goofing off with them before the movie was the high point of my day.

Hopefully tomorrow is better. Perhaps I'll think of why my foot looked like a dead blue fish if the monotony of today continues tomorrow.

Lauren.

Head Out of the Sand

I burnt myself today at work. Now I have a really gross, really big blister on my thumb. I won’t describe it any more than that. In case you’re curious though, sauce burns are the worst. Also, I have something to add to my head in the sand philosophy. When you decide to pull your head out, you’re stuck with sand in your ears and back pain from bending over. Hopefully no one’s been kicking you in the backside while you couldn’t see either. I’m going to add potentially sore butt to the list. In other words I don’t know which solution is best anymore, head on or head in the sand. Meh... I’ll figure it out later.

A rather long, uneventful day.

Lauren.

The Frying Pan Mystery

with

Inspector Clouseau

Today was kind of boring. Until a mystery was at last solved. For days now, one of my favourite frying pans has been missing. It’s been very annoying. At first I thought my parents might have taken it with them when they went camping. A simple error, forgetting to bring it home. No biggie. Tonight while I was helping my mom dry the dishes, I brought up the missing pan.

She was mystified! MYSTIFIED! So on the hunt she went. She questioned the most likely suspect but to no avail. My sister didn’t give anything up. Naturally, my mom became even more determined.

I’ll give you three guesses where she found the pan.

1) It was in the wrong cupboard.
2) It was in the sink under a mountain of dirty dishes.
3) It was in the trunk of my sister’s car.

While you’re busy guessing, I’ll just say that she was really mad and pretty annoyed. I smirked and kind of laughed. Not in her face... cause that would have been bad. Have you all chosen the hiding place of the mystery pan? Well, in this case, the least likely options is in fact the answer.

My mom, suspecting that she was being dodged, went out to my sister’s car and... well, she set off the alarm. Once she figured out how to turn that off, she popped the trunk wherein she found the pan. My sister had taken it camping over the May long weekend. She never washed it.

One more mystery solved. I did very little. I was laughing to myself in the kitchen while all of this was going down. What? I was hungry and making myself supper. In a clean pan that was not my favourite. And I did alert my mom to the disappearance. So it’s not like I did nothing... I helped... sort of.

All I’m waiting for now is padlocks to show up on the cupboards. We have locks on our bedrooms and basement already. Wow that sounds bad... But! More keys for my key ring! YES!

Lauren.

7UP and Pecan Pie

Today was... kind of uneventful? Does that make any sense? I went to my placement. It was more or less a throw away day because most of the students were busy with an orchestra show being held for the elementary schools. However, stuff did happen. I get to wake up really early on Tuesday, I’m assuming like any functional adult going to work needs to do, because I’m doing a presentation on puns. And I get to do it twice. Personally, I think the teachers are getting a little lazy... KIDDING! They’re allowed, there are only eight days left. Anyway, it’s pretty informal so that should make it fun. I was thinking of showing a clip of the hangman from Mel Brooks’ Men in Tights and the Perri-Air clip from Spaceballs. Haven’t decided yet.

In the other class I harass, I witnessed probably THE most intense game of 7UP I have seen since I was in third grade. In case this is some lame Canadian game, seven people go to the front of the class. The rest of the class closes their eyes and holds out their thumbs. The seven at the front move about the class and touch someone’s thumb. Everyone who’s thumb was touched stands up and tries to guess who touched them. If they guess right, they get to be one of the seven at the front. It’s still a lame game and I distinctly recall hating it. Somehow though it was highly entertaining to watch. Gross because one girl kept licking her thumb, but entertaining as well. It eventually got so intense that the four in front (because there were only 11 kids in class) were swapping shoes, strategising together and walking funny to avoid detection. I still hate that game.

Afterward the teacher and I had a lovely chat. She's also one of my former English teachers, one of the really memorable ones. We got into a conversation about how she’s really quite sick of being pregnant. I laughed at her because I won’t likely ever be pregnant. After a while she figured out that I’m gay and muttered that I was a bitch. She then offered to drive me home. Turns out I live in the opposite direction so that didn’t work out. But it was a great fun chat anyway. It’s not every day that I get called a bitch for that particular reason.

I have to say that the highlight of today was baking. I got together with Dana and this time we decided to make pecan pie. It’s her favourite and I’d never had it. Once again we went grocery shopping for the occasion, probably making everyone think we’re a couple with all our bickering and how we talk to each other. Again. It's a thing we tend to do. But it was fun! As always!


And it turned out quite well in my opinion. The pie that is. It’s a bit runny and we didn't really have enough dough to make the crust look better (Dana's looks better than mine)... but look how pretty! According to my family's comments and the licked plates, it tasted good too. Success!

Lauren.

Hiya! Done!

I FINISHED CHAPTER 2! Please excuse my shouting but it’s been one of the principal irritants in my life for the past few weeks. Yes I said weeks. It doesn’t usually take me so long, but I could not get into it.

I think I came up with some pretty crafty and silly things. Is anyone surprised? For instance, there’s a character named Eeb. It’s the acronym for Evil Early Bus-driver. The main character likes calling him Eeb and the D didn’t fit into it so well which is why Bus-driver is hyphenated. My main character also works as a janitor. Her boss gave her three coveralls. Each set has an ancient name take and that’s how she differentiates the different pairs. She wore the Leonards in chapter 2. There’s a character called Bubblegum Bob who is a compulsive bubblegum chewer who refuses to throw his gum in the garbage. There are others but I don’t want to bore you. Hopefully I haven’t.

As of now I’m watching Parent Trap, the one with Lindsay Lohan. I don’t remember why, but it came up in an email with my professor, the original Parent Trap I mean. Now it seems that I’ve peaked her curiosity regarding the remake. Many of our emails have since involved Natasha Richardson and Lindsay Lohan. To be honest, I hadn’t watched it in so long I couldn’t really comment. So now I’m watching Lindsay Lohan duel with herself. I also have to say that they are really frighteningly slow at figuring out they’re twins. I mean, sure a twelve year old lacks life experience and all that but God! Wow, two people look exactly alike and WTF? turns out they have the same birthday and only have one parent each! One has a dad and the other a mom? Can they be sisters? I dunno. I need more proof. OH! Here’s a torn up picture! AND BOTH HALVES FIT PERFECTLY! WE’RE DEFINITELY TWINS! Gah... kids are not that stupid! At least I hope they aren’t... the one’s I’ve met aren’t.

What else can I say. My mom is sitting next to me working on a psychological type indicator thingy. I’m translating so it’s probably called something else in English. They have absolutely ridiculous questions in there and it’s a combination of annoying and entertaining to watch her try to fill it out. I think they make you crazy because she’s kinda looking crazy. If it walks like a duck... But on the way cooler side, there was a really amazing rainbow today! I could actually see the whole arc and all the pretty colours. Very neat. It doesn’t show up nearly as much in the picture as it did in the sky.

See, now you’ve also been in my backyard. YAY! Point of view change! Cause you know you wanted to see the fence that separates my yard from my creepy neighbour's. I bet you also wanted to see the roof of my shed and the top of a phone poll. Well, I’m kind of hungry. I’m off to scavenge!

Lauren.

Bond With Extra Cheese

Okay, I felt a twinge of regret today. For whatever reason, my sister decided that she wanted to watch a James Bond movie. She chose Never Say Never Again with Sean Connery. When it started, I wasn’t really thinking about anything in particular. Then the Bond Cheesiness surfaced and I immediately thought of Veronica and wished I’d watched Never Say Never Again with her. It was just too aw(some/ful).

Don’t believe me? Alright. Well, I took the liberty of jotting down some of the lines that caught my attention. I mean really! The super villainess is named Fatima Blush.

SCENE 1

Fatima Blush: “You affect me James.”

Lauren with a serious eye roll: Oh, for the love of God...

Sister: Wow... I mean really?

James (relating to scuba diving): “Going down, you should always be relaxed”

Lauren laughing: Oh bad!

Sister: What? What? Going down... going down? OH! OH! GOING DOWN! EW!

SCENE 2

Fatima Blush: “You know that making love to Fatima was the greatest pleasure of your life!”

Lauren: Third person... sexy.

Sister laughing: Wow. [mimicking of Fatima Blush followed]

James: Well, there was this girl in Philadelphia.

I must say, Bond’s blaze attitude was pretty impressive. If some insane woman was pointing a gun at my crotch, I don’t think I’d want to piss her off. Either that or there are some girls in Philly with serious talent. I dunno.

The whole movie was pretty cheesy but as you can see, there were some pretty hilarious moments. I would have had fun watching it with Veronica.

The rest of my day involved lunch with my sister and dad. After that we went to a maple farm. Every year my dad goes to get real, fresh maple syrup. This year he was a little behind schedule. It was my first time there. Kind of neat really. We walked away with maple toffee, maple sugar and of course a crapload of maple syrup. My dad blamed us for the toffee and sugar. Kind of silly when I didn’t say a word and he was drooling over the sugar with my sister. He was also the one paying.

After a very short shift at work, I went to the movies with Abby. We ended up watching Letters to Juliet. Not my first choice, but it was good. Typical chick flick but a nice, sweet, easy to watch movie.

And now I’m home, waiting to watch Glee in an Alberta time zone. Another late night but I get to sleep in tomorrow. Maybe... I’m supposed to have two chapters to hand in to my editor. I haven’t quite wrapped one chapter up. Fingers crossed!

Lauren.