Tuesday, August 31, 2010
For now I don’t think I’ll be looking for a job. I’ll be working on my writing some more I guess. Eventually the right job will come along. It won’t have anything to do with food.
I also got the long awaited emails giving me permission to register for my classes in the fall. So I can graduate! Come April I will have one degree finished!
All good things overall but all seriously hard won. Can I get some... I don’t know, easily won victories? Stuff that doesn’t necessarily leave me feeling like crap for moving ahead?
Freud: Lauren, shut up.
Lauren: Beg your pardon.
Freud: Shut up. It iss over, it iss dealt vith, you know it iss for ze best. Shut up.
Lauren: You know nothing.
Rochester: I’m kind of sick of hearing about this crap too Lauren...
Lauren: You also know nothing! Maggie! I need support!
Magda: Get over it Lauren... seriously. It’s done. I’m sick of typing this day in and day out.
Lauren: I’m not even going to bother asking Cooper or Mr. Plunk... Can we at least have cake and eat it too?
Lauren: I want cake. Go get me cake.
Rochester: Maybe you should just go to bed. You only slept four hours last night.
Lauren: Maybe I should... I am tired. Do you think that’s why I started crying?
Freud: You are emotionally vulnerable and also a very sensitive person. You vere just crying.
Lauren: Thank you for giving me that one comfort. I appreciate it. Do you have Visine? My eyes are burning.
I’ll leave you all to imagine why Cooper would keep Visine. I’m sorry for the repetitive posts. I’ve just been spinning in circles. It’s really annoying actually. What am I talking about, you know. I’m just glad all the drama I can think of is over.
Starting fresh tomorrow.
Monday, August 30, 2010
So... while I did very little today, things are improving. It never ceases to surprise me how I feel totally overwhelmed and on the brink of falling apart one week then sure enough, things start getting better. I think I’m hoping that principle works in terms of years too. Difficult twenty years maybe brings a happy twenty.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
My mom was in the passenger seat, my dad was in the backseat, leaving me in the driver’s seat. Dammit... I started the car and the nattering began. As if turning a key, opens my parents mouths as well.
“Turn! BACK UP! Faster! Slower! Turn this way, no, the other way. Look where I’m pointing!”
“What are you doing, go slower, no! Move forward! To the left! Left! STOP! Why aren’t you listening to me!”
It’s very, very difficult trying to remember how to do things, focus on doing it right and do it for the first time when two people are shouting at you. I ended up going all over the lawn. Then my parents barked at me to turn. So I did. I wound up in some trees. They were barking even louder now and I just backed up, got out of the trees, branches screeching against the side of the car, threw it into park once I was clear, got out, slammed the door and parked my ass in the back seat. No friggin’ way I was driving home with that bullshit going on.
My dad, grumbling and muttering angrily about my inability to listen, got out of the car and stood in the driveway. My mom got into the driver’s seat, finished what I pointedly refused to and drove off. Once my dad got back in the car of course. She eventually pulled over and forced me to get back into the driver’s seat. I drove home and no one said a bloody word. Not. One.
It wasn’t funny then. Far from it. I don’t actually yell very often, probably why people find it hard to imagine, but I was yelling. And cursing up a red streak. Now, I’m beginning to see the comedy. It’s all about the trajectory. I don’t know how I manage some of the things I do. In case you’re visual, I’ve done a fantastic drawing in Paint that depicts my short but majorly messed up journey.
My car is the blue rectangle. It's actually kind of smokey grey... but it would have blended into the driveway and the house if I'd actually made it grey.
One of Lauren’s pet peeves: BACK SEAT DRIVERS. They can drive off a short pier for all I care.
As far as I know, no damage to the car. YAY!
I shall write again tomorrow.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
In an attempt to get me out of the house, where I’ve been festering, my mom asked me if I’d like to go with her and my father to the trailer. HELL NO! But I said it nicer. She knew the sentiment was there. She would not however be deterred. She called up my grandma and invited me to dinner. Not that I minded. I like hanging out with my grandma. On top of which, I got to drive solo for the first time. Still alive, so is everyone else, no property damage, WOOT!
So I got to her house around three. Two of my uncles were there and so was my aunt. Then one of my uncles left, but then another came in. Then my aunt left. Then another uncle came just as two were leaving. That left me with one uncle and my grandma. We watched MASH and the end of U571 because my uncle is a channel flipper. The last uncle to get there that is. Are you following? The two uncles who left together came back and then all five of us left for dinner. They took me to another Chinese restaurant. Good food. I enjoyed it. After dinner one uncle left while the remaining four of us went to see my grandpa at the hospital.
They all said he was looking better. It was my first time seeing him since he was taken to the hospital. If he’s looking better, I’m glad I didn’t see him when he was worse. He didn’t have a fever today. He also seemed to be in a good mood. He asked me when I was getting married. Damn cousins... you marry a few off then everyone has to do it! Actually, I got a comment like that twice today... we were talking about how people were waiting longer to get married. Then someone, possibly my grandma, said women were getting married as late as twenty five or thirty. She then looked at me and said: “So you still have time!” I’m choosing to believe she really, really, wants to see me in a wedding dress. But back to my grandpa. As we were leaving he put out his hand and I grabbed it. I only really do the handshake thing with him, (it’s a long, complicated story. I’ll probably tell it later). BIG MISTAKE! He tried to pull me down... So, he still has a sense of humour, which is good.
My uncles left us girls so they could hang out with the first uncle who left just as I got there. I’ll give you some options and you can have a guess at what I did with my grandma.
1. Helped her move furniture upstairs for when my grandpa comes home.
2. Had a lovely cup of tea while playing Scrabble.
3. Watched the Sopranos after a brief lesson on how to work the DVD player.
While I would have enjoyed a game of Scrabble, because I’m that much of a nerd, my grandma decided to introduce me to The Sopranos. She thinks it’s funny. She owns the entire box set. It was alright. We started watching at season three so I wasn’t really able to follow. Plus we started talking and then I just couldn’t watch or listen. I prefer my grandma’s stories anyway.
And now I’m exhausted. Honestly, I have been for a while. My grandma was more awake then me. How sad is that. Anyway, off to bed I go!
Friday, August 27, 2010
I didn’t do much else today. I was happy to keep up my plan from yesterday. Sleeping, a little reading, some writing. I also fought off a major headache. Yay!
What else can I blog about? I have no clue... I know my blog sucks lately. I’m just not having much luck. Hopefully things start looking up soon because I’m getting bored with myself. Seriously. I’m watching a Steven Segal movie with my parents... it’s kind of awful. Steven Segal has come out of a coma after seven years and his nurse’s only line so far is “Oh my God!”. She also checked him out while he was still comatose. A desperate and creepy one-line wonder. Just who you want to be attached to for the rest of the movie.
Tomorrow should be better. If only because there is no Steven Segal in it. Maybe that's the important lesson I learned! I do not like Steven Segal movies. Totally makes sense.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I’ve been avoiding a certain class like the plague and go figure that’s the one that’s opened up. So I had to explain to the (I think) super intimidating department head why I don’t want to register for it. I’m not looking forward to her return email. I don’t feel good about sending it. I don’t like setting terms when someone is trying to help me. But at the same time, if I were to register for that class, I could pretty much kiss teacher’s college and any MA program goodbye. Which is the only reason I actually said something.
Other than that, I was pulled aside at work today. Apparently my less than happy attitude from my previous shift has caused my bosses to wonder if I want to be there. I won’t say much more on that front, but with everything else going on, the frustration just bubbled up and, I hate myself for this, I started to cry. Imagine me standing in front of a deep fryer, cooking the latest batch of eggrolls, with my boss off to the side talking to me and me crying while stirring. ARG! I didn’t really talk to any of them for the rest of the night. I didn’t feel like it. I just wanted to be by myself.
The very small bit of good news I have to share is that Epsom Salt in hot water makes my foot feel fantastic. It actually doesn’t hurt right now. Yay for soaking!
Grandpa is bouncing back again... still at the hospital, but doing better than yesterday.
Thank God I have nothing to do tomorrow. I think I might just sleep all day.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I have to say, didn’t have high hopes for today. The first person I talked to was a cog in the university machine. She was essentially telling me there was nothing she could do to help me. Yay. In the end she suggested I talk to the head of the English department. That email unfortunately had to wait until after physio. Same stuff as usual only this time I think I may have fallen asleep? They did the back of my leg (I almost cried). They did my foot (I almost cried). They iced my foot then did it again (I almost cried). There’s a new bed with my handprint embedded into it. On the bright side, one of the therapists usually makes fun of me and today, I got her! HAHA! She was trying to lift this heavy cylinder thing out of a milk crate. I watched her struggle for a minute before telling her she could just flip the crate upside down. She just looked at me, smirked, flipped it, laughed and told me to shut up. She turned a lovely shade of red and I made the absolute best of the situation by pointing it out.
I waited for the bus in the rain with this horrible little family. I was going to kick the mother in the shins but their bus came. Probably a good thing. She seemed the type who would love frivolous lawsuits.
I wasn’t home long when my dad came home. That’s when we both sat down to watch Tomb Raider. Neither of us watched the movie. He napped in the Lazy Boy, I napped on the couch. Good times. And that’s when my day started to change for the better. Dana called when the movie ended (convenient no?).
We grabbed a quick bite to eat (once she managed to get out of my driveway, something that always terrifies her. She usually makes me do it...) then hurried off to the movies. It was a toss up between the latest Julia Roberts flick and Vampires Suck. While I definitely could have used some Julia-inspiration, we chose mindless comedy. And it was wonderfully mindless. I’ve been a Twilight hater from the beginning. I’ve read the books, watched the movies, I am justified in my dislike. So of course, I loved this movie. It was a pretty fantastic spoof. They hit on every negative comment I ever made about Twilight while throwing in good old fashion slapstick. I also think the actress playing Becca Crane (Bella Swan) did an amazing job poking fun at Kristen Stewart. She had the mannerisms down.
After the movie, we went to Dairy Queen even though Dana is allergic to milk. We couldn’t think of anything else to do, so we came back to my place. Because Dana reads my blog, she decided that she wanted to experience the cake in a cup. So we made it. Turns out Dana is also allergic to chocolate and cats. I’m shocked she isn’t dead but apparently, it’s not THAT kind of allergy. She went home later. Without the recipe. But it’s on my blog so she can just look it up herself. Got that Dana!?
Grandpa got taken out of CCU, but his temperature spiked again and mom says he’s worse. We’ll see.
But that’s all for today. Mostly good after that nap!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Mom's back home. Grandpa's sitting up, some tubes have been removed. It's his last night in CCU. So things there are getting better. Some family members have suggested that he might have just been stubborn and over exerted himself walking to his barber. Which he probably did.
So sleepy... more physio tomorrow but more importantly, I get to hang out with Dana. That will be my little bright spot.
Monday, August 23, 2010
At least, I managed to sleep until about eight o’clock when for whatever reason, my sister decided to wake me up. She wanted to know when my driving test was. It took half an hour to get back to sleep but after that irritating interruption, I slept until noon.
The rest of my day was spent driving. My dad took me out to practice before my test. I almost hit some jerkwad in a sports car, but that’s about all that happened that qualifies as eventful. The test lasted fifteen minutes at the most. I was asked to parallel park (surprise surprise) but I did it dammit! And I passed! So now I can drive by myself. Or at least, I will be allowed to once my parents set up the insurance stuff.
I don’t have a lot of news with regards to my grandpa. Apparently his fever broke but there’s a whole lot of infection going on. He’s still in the hospital and will be for a while to come. I don’t know anything other than that.
Tomorrow is going to be just as tiring I suspect. I’m meeting with my co-editor to start putting the paper together. After that I have to head out to work. Long-ass day. Still, I have the relative emptiness of Wednesday to look forward to. Physio excluded.
I’m sleepy and I’m having a major battle with my sweet tooth. I must now depart to deal with that.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
My mom is spending the night with my grandma. I guess we’ll get more news tomorrow. To be honest, I don’t know how I feel right now. I’ve always had a pretty confusing relationship with my grandpa.
Tomorrow’s a new day... I’ll deal with what I have to deal with then. Also, I have my driving test at 4:10. Hopefully all goes well. Everyone stay off the road. Seriously. Stay off.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Unfortunately it was raining all night and all morning so they had to move the wedding indoors. It was still really pretty. My mom, sister, sister’s boyfriend and me had to stand in for bridesmaids while they were setting up. I participated! The ceremony was pretty short which turned out to be a good thing. The judge who was performing the ceremony never told us to sit down. So everyone just stood through the whole thing. Thank GOD I wasn’t in heels and I’d had the presence of mind to wear my brace. I think my cousin got a little misty.
The reception afterward was also nice. We each got a jar of raspberry jam as a party favour. Confused? It’s kind of clever actually. My cousin’s last name is Laframboise which translates to well... “the raspberry” in English. So there were raspberries on the invitations, the favours, in the food. During the dinner, I got to sit with a bunch of my cousins and my sister. One of my cousins was drunk off his ass before he sat down. I think my sister got a little tipsy as well. And while I was more than ready to leave by the time we finally did, I feel bad for my sister’s boyfriend. It was his first time being introduced to our family. It’s an intimidating experience. There are a lot of us. Poor guy.
I will admit... when it was time for the bride and groom to do their speeches, I got a little misty as well. They addressed their parents, their new in laws, their groomsmen, bridesmaids and finally, each other. It took a while but it was really touching. If anyone in my family finds out about this I will never live it down, but I think that was my favourite part. And as a surprise, my cousin revealed that he was taking his wife to Paris for their honeymoon. She was an art student so she was pretty shocked and excited.
We stayed for the first few dances. I only narrowly avoided dancing with one of my cousins. He promised me he “had moves” and “would hold me close.” I looked at him and asked if that was supposed to be incentive. A chant was practically started to get me on the dance floor with him, but by then I was just having too much fun messing with him. My sister provided me with an out and I gladly went pee. He was gone when I got back.
I’m now home, tired, my foot is sore, but happy. Some parts were harder to take than others. A few of the readings and speeches made me think of someone I love very much but can’t be with in any capacity. On the upside, my cousin and his new wife met when they were twelve, tried dating a few time and it never worked out until a few years ago when they started dating again and stayed together. And they truly do fit together. So... glass half full?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Until then, I’m going to my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. My mother’s been on my case about shoes. I’m wearing my runners. Classy I know. Thing is, the wedding’s pretty casual dress, I’m wearing pants and there is no freaking way I’m going to be able to stand in heels with my ankle. Plus, I just don’t care enough. I don’t know half the people there anyway. Might as well be comfortable. And able to run away.
We’ll see what that brings. I’m not a fan of weddings. The ceremony and the party... and pre and post parties... The way I see it, it’s supposed to be a special day for the couple. Since becoming involved in the very long journey of this particular wedding, I’ve seen a lot of stress, discomfort, awkwardness, effort, time and a whole lot of “Cannot wait for this to be over”. I fail to see the appeal. Give me a small private ceremony and a nice meal afterward and I’m happy. Of course, before that, give me a girl... you know... to marry. God, are you listening? You heard that right? GIRL! Anyway, I apologize to my future mailman/woman, you are important to me but you will not be receiving an invitation to my wedding... if I get married that is. –eyes the ceiling warily.-
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Lauren: You are vindictive and cruel. You know that right?
Mother Nature rolling her eyes: Yes, I’ve been told. Can’t remember who told me though...
Lauren: There’s no need to be mean about it.
MN: There’s plenty of need. I don’t like being threatened. Particularly not by someone like you.
Lauren: Someone like me?
MN: A teeny, powerless little human.
Lauren smartly: Obviously I have some power if I was able to threaten you.
MN: Speaking of which, I brought you something. Mother Nature reaches into her oversized purse.
Lauren regretting her stupidity: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
MN: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lauren: I have a wedding to go to this weekend! And my driving test. I can’t be doubled over in pain!
MN: You should have thought of that before commencing with your pencil-snapping fun. I’ll see you around Lauren. Have fun with that.
Lauren: Hate her...
So the heat wave broke. It’s been raining like crazy but the sun usually comes out fairly quickly. However, I was thwarted in the end... crafty... evil... hate her... I’m leaving out keywords but I’m sure you can guess at their nature and fill in the blanks for yourself. You’re all smart.
In addition to facing off with Mother Nature, aka MN, aka Mean Nutcase, I practiced driving with my mom. First stop: pharmacy. I bought an ankle brace for work and turns out that the brace plus my shoes equals pinched skin. I exchanged it and bought different one. We were barely out of the store when I stepped on my mom’s sandal and sent her flying forward. I felt bad temporarily but then proceeded to laugh. I think she told me the guy at the counter was hitting on me out of revenge. Although, I really don’t mind. One of my acquaintances recently made me feel like I was physically hideous so it was nice to hear that someone was interested. Even though the someone was male. I think I have pretty good self esteem normally, but the dig from a few days ago did leave a mark. It was from someone and at a time I didn’t expect... talk about not prepared. But enough about that.
We went back to the government parking lot to practice reversing and parking and all that fun stuff. My mom got really into her role of instructor. She started calling me Ma’am and I instantly ordered her to stop. Eventually I started calling her Sir, specifically stating that she didn’t even get to be a woman. She looked hurt for a moment before complaining that she didn’t think that was fair. Later I pulled a Molly Shannon, explaining that I was really nervous and sweating, at which point she told me to put my arms down and that she didn’t want to see my pit stains... She barely made it through without laughing her face off.
We made it home in one piece. I didn’t even get stopped by the cops this time! Woo! And I was only speeding half the time! We then proceeded to watch A Few Good Men and laugh at the now cliché lines. And even though you can’t handle the truth, I’ll tell you. It was a good day.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I made the mistake of getting through my regular exercises quickly. I hadn’t been marked up, felt up, tortured, lasered or ultra-sounded yet so I knew it wasn’t over. Oh, I knew. There were no beds available so I made my second mistake. And I knew it was a mistake. I stood aimlessly, waiting. One of my therapists saw me and smiled. It’s never good when she smiles. EVER. She finished what she was doing, then asked me what kind of shoes I’d worn to my appointment. I was confused for all of two seconds before I realized she was going to have me doing something awful... like running laps around the building being dragged by her dog or... pushing her car... or something else awful. Turns out it was neither of the former, though I think I would have preferred trying to push her car.
She brought me to the back of the room and no, it’s not a big room, to where a flight of three wooden steps sat forebodingly. I’d already done my time on the step machine, what the hell did she have in mind? Well, she did warn me that I would hate her. Talk about a self fulfilling prophesy. Anyway, all she wanted me to do was step up onto the first step, then step back down as fast as I could. I just stared at her. I believe I said the following when my mind rebooted:
Are you insane? Do you know how clumsy I am? I’m here because I fell off a sidewalk.
To which she replied:
That’s why I’m having you hold the banister... Thirty seconds. Go!
I started hopping with gusto. The problem? The damn stairs are made of wood and my shoes have thick rubber soles. It sounded something like: CREAK! CLOMP, CLOMP! SLAP, SLAP! CREAK! The creaking is the banister. Basically all I needed to do to get more attention from the entire room was fall. Thankfully I didn’t faceplant. I did manage to get through the first thirty seconds fairly easily. The second thirty... not so much. My legs crapped out on me. No longer hearing the clomping, my therapist asked me why I’d stopped because I hadn’t been going thirty seconds. Turns out I was only three seconds short. And in case I sound paranoid about people watching me, one of the guys sitting two beds down was the one to inform me of my three second early break. Can’t say I was too upset with him for keeping time because my therapist totally wasn’t. I managed to get through the third set but only just.
After that, they did the back of my leg (ow), followed by my foot (OW), followed by ice and another go at my foot (OW!). Apparently it’s getting better, the muscles are loosening up, which is good. So they say.
The rest of today was spent reading a fanfiction I stumbled upon. Some of them are really pretty amazing. As was the one I read today. It was a Glee fanfic. I think the author really made the story her own. I also really loved what she did with Rachel’s character. Sue me, Rachel’s my fave.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Anyway, I’m really, really tired so I don’t have much more to say about... anything. And clearly I need to bathe. Since I have to be up early to have my foot massacred by my lovely physio team, I’m going to shave and go to bed.
It was a good day. I will say that. Lots of fun with Laura and Alanna. Lovely lunch. But yeah. I seriously need to wash away the smell of pure restaurant nastiness.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Freud: Errands? Vhat are you up to Lauren?
Lauren: Can’t talk about it.
Freud: And vhy not?
Freud: Vhy are you avoidink my quvestions?
Lauren: Why doesn’t Microsoft Word’s Spellcheck recognize accents? Furthermore why doesn’t it recognize the word Spellcheck? Why is it telling me Spellcheck is actually a hyphenated word? Why are bananas yellow?
Freud: Again, vhat are you up to?
Lauren: What makes you think I’m up to something?
Freud: Ze secrets, ze avoiding me, ze pointless questions...
Lauren: I do all of that on a regular basis. And discovering the reason for the colour of fruit is not pointless. Clearly there is a point. Otherwise everything would be the same colour. Or would everything lack colour?
Rochester: Lauren, some mysterious guy in shades and an overcoat left this sealed official looking envelope for you.
Lauren grabs envelope: Thanks Rochester.
Freud: Aren’t you going to open zat?
Lauren: Oh yeah, I’ll get it later. No worries.
Freud: What is in zhere?
Lauren: Dunno, it’s still sealed. So, what were we talking about?
Freud: JAST TELL ME VHAT YOU ARE UP TO? VHAT ARE ZE ERRANDS YOU HAVE TO RUN?! VHAT IS IN ZE ENVELOPE!
Lauren taken aback: I’m stopping by the library?
Freud: And who are your friends. Do zey also vear trench coats and carry around strange envelopes?
Lauren: Laura doesn’t... Alanna might. She can be definitely sketchy. She worked in a hotel for a bit... I'm sure she knows plenty about certain people...
Freud stares at Lauren.
Lauren: Whether I am or am not doing something depends on a lot of factors.
Freud: I’m vatching you.
Lauren: I’ll get Cooper to deal with you in that’s the case. He did a good job with Mother Nature. I’m sure you’ll be a lesser challenge. Anyway, I am heading up to bed.
Freud: I’ll figure zis out Lauren!
Lauren: Cool! Good luck!
Alright, I had a seriously angry post in the works for today. Someone pissed me off royally and I had a special rant written just for this person. But then I thought about it. Firstly, they aren’t deserving of an entire angry blog post. Secondly, I can sum up my rant in one sentence. Essentially, this person started enumerating my less than attractive physical traits. Oh personal attacks! Got to love them. So, my one sentence comeback is: I would rather be ugly on the outside than ugly on the inside because when I’ll be ninety and unable to go to stop drooling down my front, I’ll still only be 50% ugly while you will have attained the full 100%. That’s of course assuming that the body equals half a person... I’m fuzzy on the math involved in deciding what makes up a human. Body, mind, soul makes three parts... so maybe 33.3333% is more accurate. If you count desires in there that's 25%... You see my dilemma. Either way, at 90 I'm more beautiful.
With that being said, I really am off to bed. Lots to get done tomorrow and little time to do it in.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I don’t have much to talk about outside of what I can’t talk about. I’m not in that great a mood. It’s actually requiring a lot of self control not to say certain things that have... well, pissed me off. Can’t even rant about it. How I long to rant!
Hoping tomorrow is better and that your day was lovely. Just so this post isn’t wholly negative, I present to you ART by Lauren. I call this exhibit: “Who Am I?”
Anyone know who it is under all the paint? I should also say, I have nothing against this person, I just chose a picture at random from my files.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Since waking up I made a lazy version of chicken parmesan for supper. For dessert I made the lazy version of a cake. Yes, if you look hard enough, there is a lazy version for everything. For the chicken parm, I found some pasta in the back of the fridge, found a jar of tomato sauce in the cupboard and fried up some of those microwave chicken strips. Impressive eh? As for the cake, my mom came across a recipe to make a cake in a cup. I think I’ve mentioned the cake in a cup a while ago, but it was really good this time. Maybe because I made it for SARAH and that was enough to cause a craving.
In case of emergencies or a really bad day, here’s a recipe that will help. What doesn’t chocolate make better? Well, I suppose it wouldn’t help anyone with an allergy, but excluding that, what doesn’t it make better? (Lazy food is not as good as food you take your time to make, just saying.)
4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
Splash of vanilla
1 large coffee mug
Mix the dry ingredients together first. Add the egg and mix. Add the milk and oil, mix again. Here’s a shock, add the remaining ingredients and mix. All of that goes in the microwave for 3 minutes at 1000 watts (I have no idea why it specifies that... I just assume and my stuff turns out fine). The cake does come up over the edge, but it goes back down so it’s all good.
I’ve never added the chocolate chips, but I have made it with walnuts, raspberries or pecans. The picture below shows what happens when you’ve worked with food from the time you were sixteen.
If you’re interested in the icing, it’s kind of... an experiment of my mother’s. We ran out of supplies and had to turn to a substitution chart. My explanations will probably suck and therefore require experimentation on the part of anyone trying to replicate this, but it does taste good.
The substitution chart called for 3 tablespoons of cocoa plus a tablespoon of butter or margarine for every ounce of unsweetened chocolate. So I started with that because chocolate cake without chocolate icing is silly. Once you’ve got that, it desperately needs to be sweetened. I like dark chocolate, but obviously, you can sweeten it to your own tastes. After that, I added cream cheese to make it all smooth and well... like icing. Again I don’t really have a measure, but maybe about a quarter of a cup.
Tada! Emergency lazy cake. I also have to say, one cake is probably good for two servings. I must now find a lazy way of folding clothes.
The remainder of my day can be summarized as follows: bus, grocery store, pizza supplies, pizza making with my sister, movies and due to boredom cleaning and laundry.
I know no one really cares what my closet looks like, but I want everyone to see it because it’s not going to be like this again for another eight to twelve months. Plus, I want evidence for when my nosy parents get on my case. So, to make me smile, please examine the photo below.
(Lauren imagines oooohs and ahhhhhs and the moment is over)
Okay, moving on. I don’t really have much to say owing to the fact that I didn’t do very much. To make up for that, I’m going to delve into the past (imagine arms flailing mysteriously here) and retell a few of my dumb moments. And I’m gonna make you participate!
What jammed Lauren’s printer yesterday?
- Hair elastic
- Improperly inserted ink cartridge
- Slipped on wet floor after swimming
- Slipped in wet grass, tripped on deck and hit head against a chimney
- Soccer head butt (hehe) gone horribly awry.
- Dislocated finger
- Broken arm
- Black eye
Question 1: I know this is going to be a surprise, but I jammed my printer with a hair elastic. I’m guessing it was on one of the pages sitting in the feed and I didn’t notice. When I went to print a document, it must have gone through my printer and gotten stuck? Luckily SARAH was here with her dainty little hands and was able to get it out.
Question 2: This one is kind of tricky. For sure I slipped in the grass, tripped over our deck and hit my head on the chimney. I don’t remember falling, hitting my head or getting up. All I know is that when I could see again, I was on one knee swearing. I’ve also blacked out during a soccer practice. We were practicing head butts (hehe). My coach threw the ball, I jumped up and smashed the sucker. I don’t remember hitting it or seeing where it went. All I remember was my coach congratulating me and seeing the ball way past half field. I was pretty dazed.
Question 3: I’ve probably caused a lot more injuries that I don’t remember at the moment, but in this case, I’m guilty of dislocating a girl’s finger. SHE WAS IN THE WAY! It’s not nearly as bad as it sounds. Again it was during a soccer practice. I kicked the ball, she jumped in front of me and the ball smashed her hand.
I could go on with the soccer injuries but I think that’s enough for one day. Did anyone guess these? I’m curious.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I was in the kitchen getting my lunch ready and then I heard my sister shouting to her boyfriend: “All I saw was you wearing a muumuu with your pants around your ankles.” I looked up, one eyebrow raised. I was really tempted to ask what the hell was going on but decided that I preferred not knowing. Some things I don’t even want to imagine. Eventually, my sister told me the whole story. For his sake, I won’t tell it. I’ll just say it involved him insulting her pyjamas.
Something similar occurred at work a while ago. There was a fairly large takeout order so Helen got me to make the orange chicken. Once I put the chicken in the fryer, I set to work packing up all the other dishes which means that Helen had to cut the chicken breasts I’d prepared. Turns out I did an awesome job with the breading because Helen threw out a “Nice breasts Lauren.” I wasn’t paying attention so I just looked up and was rather confused. I quickly figured out she was talking about the dead bird’s and not mine... though I have to admit, I would have been a little flattered if it was a compliment regarding me. When Ed came in and asked how we were, I told him Helen was hitting on me. It was her turn to be confused.
All of this to say that words are powerful. And in these cases, scary. Because it was pretty terrifying imagining my sister’s boyfriend in a muumuu. It was also disturbing to think that my boss was appreciating my boobs. These are the stories.
Other than that little gem of a discovery, I spent the day watching Arnold movies, laughing at how they’re pretty... um... full of crap? Good times either way.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
But then my parents came home. My driving test is now a week and a half away. Given my terrible luck and the fact that I always have to work hard at everything I do, I’ve been out most nights practicing. Tonight we went to a government parking lot to work on parallel parking (which is evil) and backing into parking spaces (which is also evil). Things have fronts because that’s the direction they’re supposed to go. I was with my dad, the former ambulance/military vehicle driver and normally, that stresses me out. It was okay this time and by the end, I’d actually gotten the hang of parallel parking. YAY! As to backing in... I still have time.
Once I got bored of that, we took to actual driving. I went through the downtown, around some backstreets and quiet neighbourhoods and finally, we decided to take the highway home. I was coming up to the off ramp and surprise! RIDE check.
I pulled up to the first cop. He waved me over to the next. She was standing outside waiting for me to roll down the window. Problem. New car, I have no idea which switches do what. There are only about eight friggin’ buttons on the damn door. So I start pushing blindly, opening all the windows but mine. I may have also adjusted one of my mirrors. Finally, my dad leaned over and did it for me. I was quite happy by then to just sit there, stare ahead and let him. I know this question is standard, but the way she asked me was funny. She had a huge smile on her face, she was laughing and finally managed to ask if I’d been drinking. I laughed and told her I hadn’t. Probably looked like I had. She asked if my dad had been drinking because at my class of licence, the passenger has to have a blood alcohol level of 0. He said no. She hung out in our car for a bit, still laughing before letting us go.
I drove off, all the window still down. Did I mention it was around 9:30 at night and therefore dark? It took another five minutes to get three of them up. I could hear the wind whistling behind me. Cursing, I again started fumbling with the buttons beside me while trying to accelerate to 100 because I’d gotten onto the highway. Another two minutes or so and I managed to shut that window. AND IT STAYED SHUT DAMMIT!
So, now I can add stopped by the police to my resume. YAY! One more first down.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
During my free time, I did a little research. Today the humidex had us at 33 degrees. I don’t believe that. It was hotter. I was actually outside at one point (when I had to take the bus to work) and I could feel the heat radiating from the ground. It’s hot and humid, and rainy and dark and gross. Not at all Lauren approved weather. So I decided to ask some questions.
Lauren sitting at a table in a small room. Accompanying are Rochester and Cooper. Across from them is Mother Nature.
Lauren: So, I’ll get straight to the point. What the hell is your problem?
MN sneering: Which one are you referring to?
Rochester: The heat wave. As if you didn’t know.
MN: Oh that... yeah, well, the knob on the heater that controls the heat is broken. I just haven’t gotten around to fixing it. My bad.
Lauren: Your bad? I don’t like breaking into a sweat waving to someone across the street. You get me? So I suggest you get back to your little weather shop and fix the knob!
MN bored: Or what? I have way more pressing issues than your sweat.
Lauren scoffing: Like doing Tampax commercials?
MN darkly: Those were never supposed to air... stupid jack ass ex leaked the videos. No pun intended. They actually boast fewer leaks...
Rochester: Ew! And videos?
MN: In the actual private footage, I win. It’s fun being evil every now and then. I’m always portrayed with flowers and shit. But my ex sold them and with some creative editing... voila! Product placement.
Rochester: You’re weird.
Lauren: Agreed. But back to the problem at hand.
MN dismissively: It’s not getting fixed any time soon. My ex happens to be the repair guy. He’s slow. Very slow.
Lauren: I didn’t want it to have to come to this. Cooper. Bring in the box.
Cooper brings in a box filled with all the leftover pencils from Lauren’s pre to high school days. Mother Nature eyes the box with shock and sadness.
Lauren: According to the chipmunks on Bugs Bunny each tree makes one pencil. Do you want the lives of those trees on your hands? These trees can still live a life of purpose.
MN: You’re bluffing.
Cooper nods, selects a pencil from the box and begins sharpening it.
MN shouting: But the part’s on back order! OH GOD! MY BEAUTIFUL TREES! Cooper takes another pencil and begins snapping it into little bitty pieces. “Okay! I’ll put a rush on it!” Cooper selects a third pencil and begins mercilessly chewing it. “I’ll do the work myself if I have to!” Cooper starts throwing the pencils at the ceiling where they get stuck.
Lauren: Yeah, I’m still not hearing a reasonable time frame here.
MN: A week! Cooper resumes pencil-cide.
Lauren: I think you can do better.
MN: Why are you hurting me this way?! Three days! It’s really the best I can do!
Lauren: Fine. But if I don’t feel a change in three days, the rainbow in the sky will not be caused by Skittles.
Rochester: Or leprechauns.
Lauren: And as for the pain, I’m just returning the favour.
How I wish I could actually say that last line to Mother Nature. God I hate her sometimes. Clearly I was bored today. Oh well. Wouldn’t it be cool (ha! pun) if the heat wave broke in three days? I’m taking credit if it does.
In tomorrow's episode, Lauren and Mother Nature take on the G20 leaders. Stay tuned. (Not really, but Mother Nature is actually facing far more serious issues than my comfort.) Couldn't resist a shot.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sleep because you didn’t last night.
Go to bed.
Night everyone! And sorry for the lame post. I really am exhausted.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
- Hey, have I met you before? You look really familiar. (And I don’t know them from a hole in the ground)
- Did you see “insert name of movie”? The actor reminded me of you.
- Were you down by “insert location” on “insert date”? (When I was nowhere near there.)
Happens ALL the time. I usually either find it amusing or confusing.
For instance, when I was in my mid teens, because those years are way back in history now, I had an interest in psychology and criminology. My mom suggested that I might want to check out the RCMP. When I told my friends they laughed and said the following: Sarcasm and a gun! You’d be the Canadian Gracie Hart!” I liked the first Miss Congeniality movie so that one wasn’t so bad.
And then The Princess Diaries came out. Yup, we have the public speaking fear, the frizzy hair, the nerdiness, a similar owner/cat relationship. Except, I never got the fairy princess makeover. I would like to point out that I pluck my eyebrows and my hair only looks like that if it’s really humid or if I run out of conditioner. Love the movie and I think Anne Hathaway is pretty much gorgeous so... not really insulted there either.
One of my friends said I look like Harry Potter. I didn’t understand that one... maybe because of the glasses? Although, mine are more square. Couldn’t I have been Hermione? Like, she’s a nerd, she’s smart, she’s got the hair and the crush that’s never anything more until the threat of death is upon them. She’s also female. Like me. These aren’t in any particular order by the way.
I’ve also gotten this one, Emma Thompson from Stranger than Fiction. Normally, I wouldn’t be too affected by being compared to Emma Thompson. I think she can look really nice. In that movie however, she’s pretty... insane and repulsive. But apparently, I’m weird and have similar quirks? I have no clue. Good movie though. I definitely don't look like Queen Latifah. There will be no mistaking us unfortunately. I'm so white I glow in the dark.
I think you have a pretty clear idea of what I look like now so maybe you’ll be seeing me, or not me, but someone who looks like me. Coming to a neighbourhood near you: Lauren Daily, Or Not. You’ll never know... Unless you ask... but it probably won’t be me. Because what are the odds? Really?
I'm actually pretty pleased with the characters I look like. Maybe I shouldn't complain.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Tonight, I watched Percy Jackson and the Olympians so on and so forth, really long title. It’s interesting. I believe it’s based on a series of novels? Anyway, I like how the writer modernized Greek mythology. It’s really quite clever actually. Assuming of course that the movie is anything like the books.
This story does have a point. A while ago, I was doing some research for my history of sexuality class (what else?). I decided that since we’d studied ancient views on sexuality that I could possibly include mythology and whatnot in my paper. So off to my old texts books I went.
Turns out, the Ancient Greeks had an explanation for the existence of homosexuality. Come on... you’re curious. I know you are. Aristophanes wrote it... That’s not enticing you at all is it? Moving on. He states that there were three sexes, male, female and androgynous (composed of both male and female traits). Each Human was actually made up of two people, two heads facing opposite directions, four arms, four legs. We were total freaks in other words. The Humans were strong and dared to challenge the Gods. Rather than destroying the Humans, Zeus split them in half to weaken them. From then on, Humans stopped rivalling the Gods and instead tried to find their other half. Male Humans sought out their other male half. Female Humans looked for their other female half. Androgynous Humans searched for the half of themselves that was opposite in gender. Thus heterosexual and homosexual couples were created. That and Lauren had to think of many synonyms to describe ‘searching’.
I was born into a Catholic family. I’ve never been a serious believer in “the rules” of my religion but when I finally managed to admit who I am, I had a hard time reconciling my identity and my faith. Because whether I like it or not, I do believe in God. Most if not all (I don’t know) mainstream religions would condemn me for who I love. I find it ironic that a religion older than any of our mainstream faiths would not only sanction homosexuality, but claim that the Gods themselves created it. We dismiss Ancient religions as myth and well... ancient, but in a few thousand years, if we get that far, those people will think we’re just as ridiculous for the beliefs we hold. So, does it matter what we believe makes us holy and worthy?
I don’t know. But I do love that story. Maybe what’s old will once again become new. Who knows, it’s happened with lesser things. Like shoes.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Other than that and more on the good news front, I think I have about six chapters left to write out before I can call my children’s book complete. When I mentioned that to my editor she asked me how much I had written. It sounded much too short for her. I told her I had fourteen chapters written so far. Four of those six chapters are to wrap up the story within a story, the last two I’m saving to wrap up the frame and set up for my next novel. Yeah, next novel. I came up with this idea in the hopes of making it a series. So far I have the next two planned out. All of this translates to: I’m having way too much fun writing this thing and I’m not going to stop until the well runs dry. To think it started as a joke to make fun of my mom.
That was today. Way too up and down for my liking but it’s ending on a good note so that’s something. PS: I made quiche for supper. I ate most of it and while it was good then, it’s not feeling so good now. I learned not to make quiche on days when I barely eat. Not good in large quantities. That should have been obvious but my hungry was overpowering my smart.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
This time, probably because it was so ridiculous and I woke up very confused thinking “WTF?”, I remember what the dream was about. It occurred sometime before WW1 and focused primarily on Edith Piaf, the French singer. She sings La Vie en Rose.
Anyway, in my dream, she was a really amazing downhill skier and was in a race with one of my physiotherapists and a gym teacher, as well as a few other friends and acquaintances I knew from high school. The course resembled the downhill version of what a Mario Kart racetrack looks like, speed boosts included but no Chain Chomps or mystery boxes. Edith, much to the dismay of the gym teacher, won the race. I was also in the dream and even dedicated a chair to Edith who was sick with something. (I did a bit of research tonight. Though it says nothing about whether or not she skied, I did discover that she died of cancer.) Is that weird enough for you? Because prior to tonight, I had no clue what she actually looked like. Knew who she was, knew little else.
I don’t know what I’m doing before bed to be having these experiences, but they’re weirdly entertaining. I don’t know why I’m noticing so much lately either.
Other than that, I went to the doctor’s today. Apparently my foot may not be healing as well as it should be. I think there should be a “duh” button in doctor’s offices. Though I went for my usual check-up (I have a lot of checkups due to my medication), I wound up getting a prescription for more anti-inflamatories. She also suggested getting a brace. If things don’t start healing properly in a few months, something else will have to be done. I personally think thunder and lightning should have sprung up as she said that. It would have been so much more mysterious and dramatic.
But I must away. I have physio bright and early tomorrow and even though I feel the need to protest, I do want to shave my legs.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Anyway, I was again reminded of my sarcastic review of public transit today. All I wanted to do was get to the dentist. Well, I got there late. They almost didn’t see me. I’m really glad they did. Unlike... normal people, I actually enjoy going to the dentist. Now that they’ve pretty much reconstructed my mouth to their aesthetic and functional standards, it’s almost relaxing. Thanks to a childhood filled with tooth pulling, dental surgeries, braces, retainers, consultations and x-rays, I now have perfect teeth that I look after obsessively. The Tooth Fairy stopped coming to my house by the time I was nine. All of that to explain why I can now just sit back and let the ladies work.
How does this fit in with the buses? Well, by the end of my appointment, I had toothpaste splattered around my mouth. The hygienist very kindly informed me and started wiping it away saying: “Wouldn’t want you leaving with green spots all over your face”. I replied: “I’m taking the bus, seriously, it doesn’t matter.” Both the dentist and my hygienist laughed.
Why you may ask. Well, here’s a description of a few people I met on the bus today.
SWEAT PANTS: was an older man wearing a pair of sweatpants without underwear. How did I know? Because it was friggin’ hot today (over 33 degrees) and not only were his pants riding in his crack, there were sweat marks giving him away. Gross.
FINGER SUCKER: I’m not entirely sure the finger sucker was actually sucking his fingers but I’m choosing to believe he was. He was sitting directly behind me and kept making sucking sounds. If not his fingers, my second choice is to believe he was sucking on his dentures.
I also got flashed with some serious pregnant lady butt crack except I don’t want to describe it. Not the experience and certainly not the butt crack.
Which leads me to my final point of the day. I have booked my G1 exit test. This means that after five years of stalling, I’m one step closer to my full driver’s license. Provided I pass. WARNING! ALL THOSE LIVING IN HETERO-MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, PLEASE CLEAR THE ROADS ON THE DATE OF AUGUST 24th BETWEEN THE TIMES OF 4:10 AND 4:30. LAUREN WILL BE DRIVING.
May my bus trips diminish dramatically in the near future.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I’m really tired.
I had another really crazy dream last night.
My ankle is killing me which according to my cousin means physio is working.
It’s spider season. I hate spiders. And there are spiders the size of nickels at work. They freak me out.
I saw Helen completely exhausted for the first time ever. And I’ve worked at the restaurant with Helen for two and a half years. She was falling asleep in her chair. Jet lag sucks apparently.
Staples has started playing their back to school commercials... I DON’T WANNA GO!
Well... that’s pretty much it for my thoughts on today. That’s kind of a sad statement, but I’m going to be much busier tomorrow. I have to go to the dentist and then to therapy. Busy, busy!
Monday, August 2, 2010
I finally went swimming! I don’t announce this to everyone, though I suppose I am now, but I have a pool in my back yard. As stupid as it sounds, today was the first time I’ve gone in the damn thing this summer. Due to construction, temperature and my own physical issues, haven’t been able to use it until now. Talk about a downer. It was cold, about 70 degrees and it was raining at one point, but me and Dana, we were determined! Aside from that, the day involved movie watching and card playing. Not very exciting but I had fun.
A while ago, another of my friends sent me something she found online. You may have seen it already, but it reminded me of my history of sexuality class. We actually studied this. Also, I thought it would probably be important to illustrate some points that religious persons and bigots are inclined to overlook. To those who didn’t know about these passages which are in the Bible, feel free to look ‘em up and quote back.
“In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia”
It made me smile. I hope you’re smiling too.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Other than that, I have to say it was a strange experience for me. We were visiting with my mom’s side of the family, four generations of it. My mom has six brothers and one sister. There are seventeen grandkids. Of the seventeen, I’m the fifth youngest at age 21. The youngest is 15. None of that is the strange part. I’m used to that part. That’s just how it is.
I know this is going to seem so obvious, but it was really shoved up in my face tonight. All of my cousins (except three, not counting me) have partners, I think five are married, some even have kids. Tonight, the new generation was out in full force. My cousin Carole’s daughters were there, my cousin Isabelle’s daughter and son were there, my cousin Jeff’s son was there and my cousin Gabe’s wife is pregnant. It’s so strange after all these years of being among the youngest, to no longer be the youngest, to no longer even be in the young generation. Even weirder was hearing kids crying, screaming, laughing and running around. I mean, of course, I still do all that but it’s generally frowned on at my age. Don’t get me wrong, it was great! They’re all so adorable and energetic and clever! I couldn’t get over how smart they are. But it still feels strange to me. What better illustration of time I guess.
Anyway, I made it through the evening. The food was good, the company was nice and my grandpa behaved himself. He actually seemed quite touched that we were all there celebrating. My favourite part was singing happy birthday. We were all in time up until “Happy Birthday dear...” at that point everyone filled in with: dad, Edward, grand-papa and toddler/baby gibberish. We were however able to pick it back up, regroup and finish in amateur style.
Sometimes it scares me how much things just... sneak up on you and change. It’s kind of comforting to hear a garbled old birthday song, sung in French by those of us who can and in English by those who can’t. French is loudest mind you because more of us can. It’s also extremely calming to see the same people fighting over who gets the corner of the cake (nope, I’m not one of them). Actually, just the fact we still serve cake with about an inch of icing is comforting considering about 50% of the people in attendance are now diabetic. I mean in terms of change... in terms of health... well, it’s just plain stupid isn’t it?
Well, that was my night and that’s my family, the crazy bunch that we are.