Excuse Me

Because curiosity was expressed regarding my Dial-An-Excuse (aka my excuse wheel) I shall now explain it to everyone! Also because I think it’s quite cool.

Let us begin. The wheel is divided into six categories: personal relations, communication, attendance, performance, finance and infraction. There are a whole host of sub categories. One spins the dial toward the appropriate situation in order to receive five possible excuses. The excuses are either: classic, extenuating, mundane, farfetched or sob story.


Now that all the fun stuff is out of the way... let’s see what the wheel tells us.

Personal Relations:

For an inappropriate outburst
Classic: straw broke the camel’s back
Extenuating: just got bad news
Mundane: that time of the month
Farfetched: birth canal flashback
Sob Story: went off medication (I have never used this one)

Infraction:

For a traffic violation
Classic: speedometer is broken
Extenuating: haemorrhoid attack
Mundane: didn’t see sign
Farfetched: being chased
Sob Story: whining child

Finance:

For mooching
Classic: didn’t go to ATM
Extenuating: don’t make enough
Mundane: wallet at home
Farfetched: got mugged
Sob Story: gave all to charity

Performance:

For nodding off
Classic: recent insomnia (never used this one either)
Extenuating: night time street noise
Mundane: too warm in room
Farfetched: doped against will
Sob Story: narcolepsy

Attendance:

For an early departure
Classic: headache
Extenuating: food poisoning
Mundane: big day tomorrow
Farfetched: secret spy mission
Sob Story: weaned too soon

Communication

For a missed birthday
Classic: later surprise planned (never heard this one...)
Extenuating: Mercury in retrograde
Mundane: preoccupied at work
Farfetched: gift stolen at gun point
Sob Story: childhood birthday trauma

The wheel has spoken. Go forth and excuse.

Lauren.

On Air Again

First off! Yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I hung out with Dana, we went to see a movie, she read my novella, we just hung out. It was fun. The reason I didn’t want to write yesterday was because by the time I sat down to blog, my lack-of-medication-caused bad mood was in full swing.

So! About yesterday. Dana and I drove down to the movie theatre conveniently located at the opposite end of town. I finally used my gift card and bought us tickets, at which point, Dana AGAIN! made it seem like we’re dating. Which we are not, NOT, NOT! We went to see Gulliver’s Travels. I haven’t read the books, but Dana has. I thought it was pretty funny and kind of neat. I think I would actually like to read the books now. Well, not now... maybe this summer. Dana also enjoyed it and said that it was a good simplified adaptation. It’s your typical Jack Black movie. If you’re a fan, you’ll love it. If not... well, you probably won’t. If you don’t know what I’m talking about; he looks shabby, acts like an irresponsible goofball, is shunned when everything goes to hell, he realizes the error of his irresponsible goofy ways, then manages to save the day and earn everyone’s forgiveness. I have a soft spot for slapstick, so I rather enjoyed it.

As for today Canada Post at last managed to find my house and deliver the Christmas gift Veronica sent me. It was awesome! Apart from a book I can’t wait to read and some movies I’ll probably watch soon, she got me an “excuse wheel” and a calendar for bad drivers. I think she’s trying to tell me something and I’m rather amused. The excuse wheel, as it implies, is a wheel designed to help one find a bad excuse for any situation. “Because a bad excuse is better than no excuse.” I think I’ll have them in my glove box when I have to drive. Who knows, the cop who pulls me over might find it entertaining and cut me some slack. By the way, “off medication” is an excuse on the “excuse wheel”.

I also worked on MY novel today. I know! How long has it been since I’ve said that? I finished typing chapter four and started chapter five. I also changed the name of one of the kingdoms, which I’m glad I did in chapter 5 instead of chapter 20.

In conclusion: Yesterday, good; movie, good; friend Dana, good. Today, good; presents, good; novel, good. Lauren back on meds, very good.

Lauren.

-----Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-----

A little late I know, but I just thought of another reason why I hate Christmas. My schedule gets all crazy and different and I forget to take my medication, resulting in difficult/miserable days for everyone. Therefore, I feel entitled to say FU--

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. LAUREN WILL RETURN AS SCHEDULED TOMORROW AFTER SHE HAS BEEN PROPERLY MEDICATED. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.

Lauren.

Christmas 3

The final Christmas event. It’s all over for another year. I cannot be more thankful than I am now. Today was a whole lot harder to take. Apparently not just for me either. I don’t really want to talk about it except to say that certain members of my family grossly underestimate me. Which irritates me. I can never get over it. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I work hard, because their opinions are based on assumptions about me, not knowledge. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. It’s done for another year, their opinions don’t have to mean anything to me. It was just... a very disappointing day. Not just because of my family. I was hoping to visit a friend but those plans kind of fell through.

Tomorrow should be better. I’m hanging out with Dana. So, when God slams the door in your face, he at least makes sure there’s Kleenex for your bloody nose. I mean that in a good way.

Lauren.

Christmas 2 --Success!

I’m tiiiiiiiiiiiiired. How is it that toddlers with their teeny tiny bodies, seem to have more energy in their pinky finger than I have in my entire body? I’m not entirely sure why or how but I wound up in the basement entertaining my second cousin. He’s three and a half and if he has an off switch, I did not find it. Although, I had a lot of fun.

We watched Kung Fu Panda (from my collection of movies). Well! First off, he’s in the “why” phase. Which actually didn’t annoy me. I like being random and found it amusing to com up with answers. On top of which I learned that should I ever be in dangers I should do the following: kick my assailant in the penis. How did that come up? Well, my cousin really didn’t like the evil leopard on Kung Fu Panda and decided that he could defeat him with one swift kick. Of course I agreed with him, but suggested that he only use that technique in cases of emergency.

I helped him build a fort. Unfortunately, our furniture is no longer conducive to awesome fort building so it was only two chairs placed close together with a blanket thrown over top. We were however invisible when inside. I rather enjoyed being invisible. While hiding out, he showed me how to play his video game thingy. I don’t know what it was called but it was highly educational. I’ll be honest, I understood the game but I sucked at it. It was a Toy Story game. I don’t know why, but I kept directing Woody into a wall and he just kept running against it and wouldn’t turn around! It took my cousin a second to fix it. I also made him solve all the math problems.

At one point near the end of the night, shortly before the five minute warning, one of my aunts came down to hang out with us. It surprised me when she helped us rebuild our craptastic fort AND got into it with us. Can I just say that the fort was pretty much only big enough for my cousin, forget all three of us. All of a sudden my cousin decided that the fort had to be torn down. He did a demolition count and I told him to tear it down. So he started yanking on the blanket. My aunt ended up with her head caught in the blanket and stuck against the back of the chair. Because I love being helpful, I didn’t tell my cousin to stop pulling. I just laughed. My aunt was too busy cracking up to do much else.

I felt special when he didn’t want to leave and gave me a hug. I know... I’m not a huggy person. But I wouldn’t do that to a kid.

And now back to my original question. How is it that he was still giggling and bouncing off the walls while I was and am ready to pass out? If I had that much energy I’d never have a problem with my homework. So unfair...

Lauren

Christmas Day

I don't have much to say today beyond Merry Christmas.

A few family members came over. It was not the crisis situation I've trained myself to anticipate. They stayed until about two. By four we were on the road, heading for my Godmother's. Had fun with my cousin. Was able to put phase one of what I am calling "ze plan" in action. The part I was less than impressed with was when my Godfather's mother (no relation to me) started snapping her fingers at me to clear the table and get her water. Not cool. Although, given how often I see her and given the fact that everyone else was oblivious, I just played along. Not worth starting trouble over.

Christmas number two takes place tomorrow with my dad's family. They're converging here. My strategy is to lock myself in my room.

I Finally Have a Christmas Eve

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THREE YEARS I DID NOT WORK ON CHRISTMAS EVE!

I have to say, it was much more festive. What did I do instead? Not a whole lot. I talked to Veronica this morning. She finally cracked and opened her gift. She blamed her cat. Alas, due to some kind of mailing snafu, I’m still waiting for my present. Damn you Canada Post! Damn you! But enough damning for one day. I did some homework, found out I kicked the ass of my Juan Cole essay (woot!) and am now watching movies with my parents. A good day actually.

The only part that I’m not thrilled about is that a few of my relatives, in their wonderful manner, are making my mom feel like crap. And she’s still getting up early to cook for them. There are some things I will never understand about the holidays. But then, I find there’s something admirable in the way my mom puts up with it because we all know that I do not possess that quality. I’m usually enraged at some point in our gatherings.

The thing I’m most excited about is presents. Not the ones I’m getting. I much prefer seeing people open the gifts I bought for them. My dad in particular. He gets this look on his face and it becomes very clear where my highly active inner child comes from. And then Meeko skulks around attacking the wrapping paper. Everyone gets a present!

Most importantly, tomorrow kicks off the beginning of the Christmas Marathon. Three family filled days of eating, people being in my space and noise. Kind of my idea of hell on earth. I will survive. I will find a corner, hide in it and wait for people of interest to find me. That’s the game plan.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Lauren.

Random Fragments

What can I say about today. I took it easy. I was awakened by the doorbell. It scared the crap out of me. Turns out it was just my dad’s friend dropping off Christmas presents. He repeated everything he said three times. I guess I looked like I’d just gotten out of bed and he wanted to make sure I understood his instructions. Probably a good thing because I had just gotten out of bed.

Aside from that, I went to one of the post offices to see if my present from Veronica had arrived in town. They’re messing with me and I want my present dammit! It wasn’t there but the girl knew my last name and my first name. It confused me for a bit until I was finally able to place her face. She went to high school with my sister. I guessed at her name and was actually right. The whole experience would have been really creepy had she been able to also tell me my address but she confessed to not knowing that. I took comfort in that. Tomorrow I must call the other post office and if it’s not there... I guess I’ll have to wait until after Christmas. Nothing really to be done. Well... I can say YOU SUCK CANADA POST!

We’re now watching the Da Vinci Code and it’s bugging me. I think the movie missed the point of the book in many ways. In the book I find that Sophie so much more of a hero than Robert is, but in the movie, that’s inverted. I haven’t read the book in a while but if I remember correctly, the movie is WAY harsher on the Church than the book is. I think in the book Silas and the bishop are just rogue agents instead of actors in an organized comity. I could be wrong though.

My mother and I also realized that we have watched Under the Tuscan Sun far too many times. For whatever reason we were watching this Italian movie (in Italian though we don't speak Italian) and we were able to pick up a few words, “no mail” being a few of them. At the same time and in the same tone, we shouted “niente posta” like the grandma in Under the Tuscan Sun does at dinner when she admits that her much younger email lover has dumped her after finding out how old she is. Too much TV.

Other than that, I randomly feel like creating a definition for the word “blog”. I’ve decided that it’s an acronym. Because I have the authority to do so.

Big
Long
Ongoing
Grumble-fest

B.L.O.G. It’s actually just short for 'web log', but I like my definition better.

Lauren.

Christmas Baking

I am in a much better mood today. Thank goodness right? I went to my grandma’s and stayed there all day. I got there a little before nine o’clock and left around five. It was a baking extravaganza! We made donuts and cookies following a recipe that my grandma’s grandparents used. Although... given that my grandma isn’t eighty yet, that’s probably not as old as it sounds.

We began our baking adventure around nine o’clock. My grandma made the batter while I did very little. We chit chatted until I had to start frying. I only burnt myself once. They turned out pretty good. You should see my grandma’s cookie cutters. They are awesome.

That’s my grandma’s arm... when I showed her the picture she said she looked like a priest holding the host. She’s actually holding the center of the donut. She called it a donut hole to which I replied it was better than another type of hole. It sounded funnier in French. You’ll just have to trust me.

I also got to roll the donuts in sugar. I don’t know how many we made but there were a lot.



Later we made honey cookies. Somehow I ended up rolling them, cutting them and placing them on the cookie sheets while my grandma picked my pockets. And people say that I’m corrupting her. As if... She snagged my camera and thought she was being all clever about it until she realized that she didn’t know how to work my camera. To her credit, she was pointing it in the right direction. I showed her how it worked and she snapped her first ever digital picture. I won’t show it to you because it’s of me and I’m covered in flour. Literally covered. I had some around my neck.

It was a fun day but I’m really tired now. I’m watching White Christmas with my Mom and Dad. Not even this Christmas classic is safe from our spoof-afying ways. Me and Mom anyway.

Lauren.

Thoughts on Christmas

I probably shouldn’t be writing at the moment. I have not had a good day. My ankle was really sore. I barely slept last night. I forgot to take my meds yesterday, BIG mistake. I had my feelings hurt today. When I finally ranted and was subsequently a little depressed, I was asked if I was PMSing. Not by a man because I think men are clever enough to realize that is a no-no. I also had Eleanor Roosevelt quoted at me. Again. And again, it did not make me feel better.

What happened? We’ll just say Christmas came a little early. Event one anyway. Christmas is a marathon in my family. So, because I’m angry and feel like crap, I kind of want to vent some more and list reasons why I hate Christmas. I don’t know if it’ll come as a shock to anyone, but I do in fact dread Christmas. Love the vacation time, hate the crap that goes along with it.

Reason 1: I do not like my family. They are people who like to tear others down rather than build them up. I’ve spent years excising those people from my life and Christmas forces me to be in a confined space packed with them. And I’m too polite to tell them to f#$% off.

Reason 2: I have to listen to people bitch about how fat they’re going to get, how they shouldn’t have that second piece of meat pie, how they blew their diet days ago. If you’re that damn worried about it, don’t eat it and let me enjoy my food thank you very friggin’ much.

Reason 3: I’m expected to be present for others’ holiday activities and demands while people can’t keep their eyes from glazing over when I start talking about something I’m interested in. I can’t even count the amount of time people have walked away from me while I’m in the middle of a sentence to go talk to someone else.

Reason 4: I hate not ever being able to just sit down. We’re with my mom’s side, we’re with my dad’s side, we’re back with my mom’s side. It goes on for days. DAYS! I can’t stand it.

Reason 5: I get asked mindless questions such as:

“Where’s your boyfriend?”

“When are you getting a boyfriend?”

“How’s your dating life?”

This year I swear, I will answer with the following:

“At his other girlfriend’s house. I get him on Easter though. But the times when we’re all together, let me tell you, ah-ma-zing.”

“Anytime now. I filled in all the forms, sent them off last week and I just got a confirmation email yesterday.”

“Great. I haven’t had a date in over a year and a half, but people wake up from longer comas all the time.”

What good would saying these things do? It would stop me from mentally strangling people and feeling bad about myself. It would also make people feel uncomfortable which I think is a fair punishment.

If you’ve made it through all of that to my very tiny review of Glee, I’m sorry... I don’t really have anything to complain about. I rather liked this episode. I thought it was cute. I also think I’m siding with Rachel because I understand wanting things too much. That and I think she can do better than Finn. As to what’s his face... Blaine... Get on with it! Kiss Kurt, make me happy and move on already! The stagnation is irritating me!

Alright. Well, I feel better now. Everyone uncomfortable? Wondering about my sanity? I promise I’m fine. I also hate Christmas because it amps up my anxiety. Which is probably the real reason behind all of this optimism. I hope to be cheerier tomorrow.

Lauren.

Just Stuff

What I did today:

Used the sentence: “I have to make a library run.” A library run? Could I BE a bigger nerd? Probably not since I just mimicked Chandler from Friends. I found two books that will be amazingly helpful with my new essay. Of course, it took a bit to find the damn books...

Made Rocky Road Fudge that I may later use to bribe a cousin into helping me fulfill my therapy travel requirements. I also helped my mom make a pound cake. All I was allowed to do was stir, but I mixed that batter to within an inch of its life.

Did my friggin’ laundry because can you say: “NEEDED TO BE DONE!”

Had an email conversation with my unnamed prof. She ended up offering to help me with another paper. I don’t know what I would do without her. I mean really. I just mentioned what I was writing on to be conversational. I am now determined to bake her something awesome. I just don’t know what that is... I’ll figure it out.

Argued with my mom about cotton balls. Elf is playing on TV and my mom keeps bringing up how he eats cotton balls. So disgusting. I can’t watch that part, it makes me want to puke. She’s laughing her ass off and I’m gagging. Great.


What I’ll do tomorrow:

Bake a batch of molasses cookies.

Go shopping for my Christmas presents with my Godmother.

GLEE! I finally get to rant again! Or gush... we’ll see.
Lauren

The Breaded Chicken Question

Would you believe it? I actually did homework today? It’s my attempt to actually take advice. This will stand as proof that I can in fact take advice. We’ll see how it turns out. I need to have an annotated bibliography finished by the time I get back to school anyway, so... kinda fits. Not that anyone is probably interested, but I want to write a paper on physiognomy in the Victorian period... somehow relating back to literature. Should be fun! Yup... I’m actually a little excited about it. God I’m bored.

And for the lack of interesting post... RANDOM THOUGHT!

I thought of this the other day. Breaded chicken makes no sense.

We kill the chicken.

Slather it in its young (aka eggs)

Then fry it and eat it.


I mean, can we possibly insult the chickens more? Will I stop eating breaded chicken? No. It still tastes good. Kinda creepy though don’t you think?

Lauren.

What I Learned at University

As of now, only five months stand between me and my first degree. Considering I’m off school until January 10th and then have a reading week in February, that’s not as much time as it sounds like. Not that it sounds particularly long to begin with.

I’m not going to lie. I’m anxious already. In a good way. I’ve been anxious since the end of last year. I don’t get to leave town or even change schools when the five months are up, but I will be in a new program with new people come September.

Which got me to thinking about what I’ve learned at university thus far. This post sort of continues off of yesterday’s. You know... the one I half-assed because I was practically asleep? But on to what I’ve learned in three and a half years.

1. How to fail. Because whether they want to admit it or not, university sets you up to fail over and over and over again. In sociology and psychology for educators, they talk about the hidden curriculum. I swear failure is in the hidden curriculum at university. There is no way I can read everything I’m ‘supposed’ to read. And there’s no way I can write the way my professors want me to write. So in that respect, I fail. Most of the time, I do what I can with what I have, cross my fingers, say a prayer and get it done. I’m not getting fantastic grades, but I’m above average and I’ve never had to repeat a course. Take that failure!


2. Nothing is as it seems. Everything must be analyzed, looked over, questioned, dissected, revised, discussed and finally, supported by various published works by other renowned scholars. I remember, there was this guy in one of my English classes, he was an older guy and it was a second year class. He asked: “Can’t it just be literal?” It was a small class, I think there was only one other guy in the room, but we all turned to stare at him as if he’d suggested that Twilight was better than Harry Potter. (Which it ABSOLUTELY is not.)


3. Professors aren’t always teachers. I can’t say that I’ve seen many of my professors as teachers. The majority are just really smart, relatively anonymous people who rate my thoughts with numbers between 1 and 100. Of course, that’s not true for all of them. There are a few that I’ve clicked with, that I find interesting, that I like talking to, that I’ve truly learned from. They’re the ones that make me think and develop my own ideas. Those very few I will call my teachers. Those very subtle, sneaky, few.

What brought all of this about? My new books for my new English seminar. Bought them yesterday. All that in one term. And there’s more. These are just the books. For one class might I add. (What I do read of these, I know I am going to enjoy... just saying.)

It has FAIL! written all over it doesn’t it? Well, we know how I feel about failure. I think I’m just too stubborn to ever really fail at something. It also reminds me that I have to check out my prof's investment portfolio... clearly he has something going on with Oxford University Press.

Lauren.

High on Lack of Sleep

Okay, before I actually get into anything, I feel I must issue a warning. I probably haven't gotten more than two hours of sleep since yesterday and I think I'm a little high. No, not on drugs... I am strongly opposed. However, I had a crapload of stuff to do today and I actually think that thinking ahead is what's keeping me awake.

I had to be up at seven because I was driving my mom to work for eight thirty. Then, due to her busy schedule and inability to shop without my father tagging along, I slipped off to WalMart to buy my mom's gift for my dad. I won't say what it is in case he happens to read this. Which is about as likely as... the Cookie Monster ever kicking his cookie habit. So, WalMart. It's not even eight thirty and holy friggin' hell! There are already a ton of people. I was probably the only one there with all my original teeth. So, after wandering looking for this gift, I finally managed to hunt down a guy to help me. Turns out they were at the front of the store right when you walk in. Yeah... Off I went to the cash register and wouldn't you know it! I wound up in the line being attended to by a woman who was at least in her seventies, at least partially deaf and surprise, surprise, really slow. She was very friendly though. It took about fifteen minutes to get my items scanned, but at least I was second in line. There were about four people behind me at that point, all with at least a week's worth of groceries.

I'm now at school, hiding in the Women's Center. I bought all my books for next term. About that... I thought it was going to be relatively similar to my reading list from this term, HA! AND HA AGAIN! God was laughing at me. But the girl who helped me was really cute. Anyway, I would now like to say thank you to the long dead Karl Marx and Frederic Engels for making the Communist Manifesto so short. Whether or not it's interesting remains to be seen. Actually, I'm surprised I haven't read it before now.

Therapy followed. My assignment is to somehow orchestrate an adventure outside the Middle of Nowhere. We’ll see how that goes. I was going to write more but I’m sleepy. I’m officially on break though! So I’ll be better rested tomorrow.

Lauren.

Stuff I Almost Did

Long ass day writing a long ass paper. Why is it that I can write a novel and not complain about the length but an essay... the prospect of writing twelve pages is a nightmare. Not that I ever make the page limit. I usually hit the word count way before I hit the page limit. Like for this essay: 3000 words or 12 pages. I got to 3170 words and decided that was as good as it was going to get. It’s just (as in two lines on the page. How I hate that!) at the tenth page. With the essay taking up so much time, I will now list the things that I almost did today.

1. I almost choked on a pop tab. It fell into the can and well... you know the rest. It involved me needing to change my shirt.

2. I almost tripped on my pants. The legs are long, I stepped on one and nearly fell.

3. I almost did a good job wrapping Christmas presents which Meeko then proceeded to almost eat. He doesn’t like catnip but ribbons... those he’ll eat.

4. I almost had a movie marathon with a friend... that didn’t work out.

Alas, that’s all I have to say today. Wait! No it’s not. When the frack do my shows come back on? I’m sick of being Grey’s-less and Glee-less. I mean, enough is enough. It’s enough. I need to be entertained!

I have a comment on Big Bang Theory too.

Dear Big Bang Theory People,

Why are Leonard and Penny not dating if they clearly want to be together? I know I’ve only recently picked up your show, but I don’t understand. Work on that.

Okay, now that’s all I’ve got to say. Tomorrow I will be officially on break! Wootness!

Lauren.

World Domination: Take 1

So, I’m having a little bit of fun with the stats tab in the dashboard. It’s amusing me to no end seeing where people are popping in from. And my geography skills have never been better. I only wish I still had that prof who gave us map tests a few times a term. I would have rocked those with no effort.

The point of this story is that I now desire to take over the world. In order to do this I’ve assembled a crack team.

Salem Saberhaggen.
Attempts at world domination: 2-3
Sentenced to 100 years as a cat




Pinky and the Brain.
Attempts at world domination: Unknown
Sentenced to life imprisonment in science lab.

Lord Voldemort

Attempts at world domination: 2
Attempts on Harry Potter: Unknown
Sentenced to death by Harry Potter.

Okay... maybe it’s not such a crack team... They suck. But they’ve all tried and if I learn from all of them, I shall emerge the leader of the world!

Lauren: Salem! What are you doing?

Salem: I’m hungry!

Lauren: Put the Brain down! I can’t take over the world with Pinky alone!

Voldemort sneezing, eyes totally messed up: Lauren, I have to leave.

Lauren: What! We haven’t even started plotting yet.

Voldemort still sneezing: I’m allergic to cats.

Lauren unimpressed: You have got to be kidding me.

Voldemort: Why do you think I have a snake for a pet!?

Lauren: Because you can talk to it?

Salem approaches Voldemort with a devious chuckle.

Voldemort hisses: Get away from me! Avada Kadavra!

Lauren: HEY! No killing the cat!

Pinky: NARF!


I may have to rethink this team... I’ve always worked better alone anyway. But I will succeed! The world shall be mine!

Lauren.

It Happened Again

Busy working on essay. Blah. Done as of Friday. Not much to tell. I’m rereading one of the books. Might look over the second if I have the time. But I’m gonna have to start writing the actual paper soon.

Anyway, I had another “You know you’re gay when...” moment today.

I was sitting in the basement with my mom and my sister. My sister, for whatever reason is excessively chatty today resulting in a lot of ridiculous stuff being said. We were watching the Food Network (which I hate because it makes me hungry) and one of the chefs was doing a special on cooking with onions (which I hate because onions are vile). There was popcorn and I wanted some... sue me.

At one point my sister and my mom, at the same time said: “Wow a man who can cook. Wouldn’t that be nice?” Which then got them to talking about how lucky the wives of these chefs are.

And then my sister mentioned Bobby Flay.


The following occurred simultaneously.

Sister: His wife is so lucky. She’s married to Bobby Flay.

Me: Bobby Flay is lucky... he’s married to Stephanie March.



Gee... to what may we attribute these differences of opinion? I am completely at a loss for why these things continue to happen. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind not to verbally express my opinion on the subject. Awkward... I mean, we were thinking of two completely different things. Who would have thought?

Oh well. I’ll figure this mystery out some day. Back to reading for me!

Lauren.

Sexual Cesspool

Early this morning I came to the realization that I am way too involved with Grey’s and Glee. I had a really crazy dream in which both came together. Very creepy. I don’t really want to talk about it... some of it was embarrassing.

Anyway, I meant to do this sooner, but I had some time today. I have to confess, the idea isn’t totally mine. It comes from another show I was entirely too involved with: The L Word. For those of you who don’t know The L Word, there was a character named Alice (Leisha Hailey) who was a huge gossip. By the end of the series, she’d invented a social networking site she called Our Chart. The Chart essentially tracks everyone’s sexual partners. It was her study in human relationships, everyone is connected. It became a thing seeing how many moves it would take to connect one person to another. It sounds kinda dumb, but if you really think about it, it’s strangely interesting.

So, I got bored and I decided to illustrate the gross sexual cesspool that is Seattle Grace. I managed to connect everyone to Meredith Grey with only one potential error (that I’m aware of). I’m not sure if Teddy actually slept with Owen. And yes, I know people are missing, but I didn’t have THAT much time. Although, I feel the need to applaud the character of Miranda Bailey for keeping her pants on. Round of applause for Miranda!

I don’t think a Glee Chart would be nearly as interesting. It would have to be relationships...

So... Rachel to Finn, Finn to Quinn, Quinn to Puck, Puck to Santana, Santana to Brittany, Brittany to Artie, Artie to Tina, Tina to Mike.

That leaves... Sam, Mercedes and Kurt. And I could connect them if only Sam had been gay... which I was expecting. But noooooo... He had to move away. I’m still waiting for him to come back.

Creepy isn’t it?

This is what I thought of today.

Lauren.

Spirit! Rah... Rah?

I spent the majority of today mildly aggravated. I have one paper left to do. Just one. Unfortunately I seem to have chosen a topic no one else has ever written an academic paper on. Which I stubbornly refuse to believe. I know I’m smart but there is no way I’m the first person to want to write on this topic. So, I have to blame our stupid library and its lack of resources. STUPID LIBRARY! Hours of fruitless research! Not that I actually have anything better to do.

And I’m not even being sarcastic. We’re expecting upward of 25 centimetres of snow. That’s about a foot. Any doubts about a white Christmas have been effectively crushed. The only thing I’ve seen looking out the window is white. Just white. I don’t even know how many times the snow ploughs have gone by. They’re probably more regular than the buses on a good day at this point.

Other than homework, I attempted to get into the Christmas spirit (she says while wearing black and cursing the cold). I can’t stand Jim Carrey. He just does the same thing over and over and over again and still makes millions. Jealous? Damn right. If I could make money off of all the times I’d gone after a straight girl... let me tell you! That’s all beside the point though. I watched A Christmas Carol with my family. The cartoon, Jim Carrey version. Obviously. Personally, I’m a fan of Dickens. I’ve had to read several of his works for school and I loved them. I seriously wonder if that man ever had writer’s block. You know, because he wrote serially. Again, off topic. I haven’t read A Christmas Carol. I’ve only ever seen the Disney version with Scrooge (the duck) and Mickey and I was quite young when I saw it. Did not foster a liking for the story. It scared the crap out of me. This time around, I rather enjoyed it. I also understand why it scared the crap out of me. I still jumped once. There was a loud noise okay! We have surround sound! The Ghost of Christmas Present kind of irritated me with his constant chuckling but I loved the addition of Gollum. It wasn’t actually Gollum... but in my mind it was amusing to think so. It was a good movie, not too long, and unlike Eddie Murphy movies where you can plainly see that he’s every damn character, I didn’t really notice that Jim Carrey was a bunch of people aside from Scrooge.

I actually think I’m going to go to bed now. I was up until three this morning and was awakened too early. Here’s a fun question: If a tree falls in the forest, but no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound? Now here’s my answer: Don’t care. It makes plenty of sound when it’s in baseboard form and being pneumonically nailed to the wall.

Mystery solved.

Lauren.

Christmas 1

Today was uneventful Until...

Lisanne decided, I’m still not sure why, to throw a Christmas party. She cooked everything, the turkey, the stuffing, the potatoes... everything. It was all delicious but the company was pretty amazing. There were a couple of old friends from high school that I hadn’t spoken to...since high school and there were new friends from university.

I would love to describe the conversations that we had and why we were laughing our faces off for the majority of the evening, but I can’t. First, most of it was grossly inappropriate and second I can’t really remember all of it.

There was talk of dragons... the Toronto Maple Laughs (I mean... Leafs) and their miraculous win, lesbianism because there were five lesbians there, Lisanne brought out finger cots at one point, I was making fun of one of my friends calling him Ollie (the weatherman from Family Guy) which I suppose made me Tom Tucker. Kathryn was Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa. What else did we talk about... there was an attempt to find me a lesbian at one point. Lisanne was serving, in a very lunch lady fashion, just slopping on the potatoes. So many potatoes... We named one of the girlfriends Tag-Along 1. In jest of course. There was a rickshaw, something about a potato gun and a universal allergy to bullets. We covered a lot of topics.

I haven’t laughed that much in forever. And no, none of us were drunk. There was alcohol, but not nearly enough to get anyone drunk. Even then, barely anyone was drinking... No hard alcohol either, not even spiked punch. Though there was punch. The top layer was frozen... but we were able to shift the ice layer to get to the actual punch. Which was really, really good.

I ended up coming home with a bunch of leftovers and sliced up apples. I’m going to make an apple crisp tomorrow. I loves me some apple crisp. It’s a dessert and a delicious breakfast. Yay for food with two purposes!

Sleepy. Bed now.

Lauren.

Oh Words! How I Remember Thee!

You know how sometimes people say things and for inexplicable reasons they stick with you? I don’t know why I remember these things, but lately they’ve been swirling around in my head.

For instance, my second year American History professor once told me:

“I failed you high.” I was so surprised by the remark that I thanked him. Now I just think it’s funny. And I didn’t actually fail... I was very close though.

Or when I was telling my cousin that people only see me as a goody-two-shoes he told me:

“Well, you’d look pretty stupid with only one shoe.” It made me laugh. Have to admit, he has a point there.

And there was this one woman when I was still in daycare. She told me:

“You’re really smart aren’t you?” I didn’t know what to say. I think she was the first person to tell me that with genuine awe instead of sarcasm or just stating a fact. I don’t even remember her name.

Kind of funny what sticks. I don’t even know why I’m thinking of this all of a sudden. If I had to venture a guess it would probably have to do with an encounter I had with a girl from class. She’s in two of my classes and we only just started talking. She wasn’t able to get that essay done on time and asked me if I had. Before I could even answer she laughingly threw in an “of course you did”. At least I have two shoes right?

How did we ever come to question which was mightier? The pen or the sword? Chop off someone’s head and they die pretty much immediately. Tell someone they’re really smart and it lasts over a decade. Write someone a letter and someone totally different could be reading it sixty years down the line, maybe more.

Then again, we’re all bloggers here... you know this already.

Lauren.

Introvert at Christmas

Nothing extraordinary to report today. I slept in, finished my Christmas shopping, watched a movie for my last class of 2010 and tidied my room. Any major cleaning can wait until summer. That’s when I purge. During Christmas I tend to simply put things back in order.

I indulged today. In free time. I still have one essay to write but after yesterday I didn’t want to do anything. I have a lot of things going on in my mind that I don’t really know what to do with. This time it has nothing to do with the combination of Napoleon, prenatal brain development or Victorian pornography. I wish. I usually get this way around Christmas. Holidays like this were not designed for people like me. Somehow the more people I’m surrounded by the lonelier I get. I don’t have very much in common with anyone in my family. I don’t have a lot of friends I can spend time with. Being an introvert sucks. It’s helped me develop a lot of really useful skills but when it comes to people, it sucks.

Unfortunately, that’s about all I can think of to say today. On the bright side, there’s always tomorrow...

Lauren.

So Cold...

So tired...

After suffering brain-death, I tried to get to bed at a decent time. I managed. I just wasn’t able to sleep. So what did I do?

- I plucked my eyebrows
- I cleaned my keyboard
- I watched the end of a movie
- Did some reading

When none of that put me to sleep, I realized how friggin’ cold I was. My mom’s theory is that when I get overly tired, I get really, really cold and it’s impossible for me to get to sleep. How many layers did I end up sleeping in?

- T-shirt
- Sweatshirt
- Really warm pj bottoms
- Socks

And that’s just on me. On my bed I had the sheet, a wool blanket, my comforter and another thicker wool blanket.

I was finally warm enough to sleep. By then it was about two thirty in the morning... My sister got me up by nine with more essay questions. Not that I could sleep very long anyway, I still had to review my essay.

BUT! It is now 11 o’clock. I handed in my essay, I got through porn discussion AND I wrote that midterm in psych. It’s over! Don’t know how the midterm went but I’ll care in January.

Lauren.

The Kleenex Question

I’ve got a little bit of brain-death going on right about now. I just finished my paper on Juan Cole’s book and I’m very much looking forward to 2:00 o’clock tomorrow when I will happily hand this stupid thing. If only because I will be able to stop typing ‘Juan Cole’ every five seconds. I haven’t gone over it yet... I can’t look at it anymore, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m taking a little break before I go over my psych notes because, I will go crazy and how to fix that is not in my psych notes. Ironically.

Because of my case of brain-death, I would actually like to ask a question. There’s something I don’t understand and it’s been on my kitchen counter for nearly a week now.

Yup, a pack of Kleenex with the little alien from Toy Story. Why is this confusing me? Well, I don’t know if you can see it, but at the bottom it says “15 2-PLY WHITE TISSUES” The French part follows that. If you’re interested it says “MOUCHOIRS BLANCS 2 ÉPAISSEURS”. I’m assuming they don’t have to repeat the quantity because numbers in French are the same. I want to take this brief moment to call the packaging people lazy because TWO is DEUX... cheaping out just throwing a number in there... cutting corners...

Anyway, my question is: Are Kleenexes ever any other colour than white? If so, why have I not seen these alleged tissues? If not, why are you specifying they’re white? This does not seem like an important thing to specify.

Also, did anyone else notice that the alien doesn’t even have a nose? Although, I suppose if he were to start crying he would require a lot of Kleenex. But then, why would one assume that aliens cry? And if they do, maybe they cry out their ears and instead of Kleenex they’d need Q-Tips. I’m just saying.

I didn’t want to go there... but now that I’m looking at him, he’s kind of the colour of a really gross booger. Perhaps he’s a bacteria sent to Earth to infect all of humanity by hiding out on a Kleenex. Because what better way of breaching our defences is there!? I smell a conspiracy! Well, I actually don’t, nose is still a little stuffed but you know what I mean.

Did I mentioned I have brain-death right now?

Lauren.

Spelling, Victorian Porn and Buses

Another short post today. I’m a little stressed out by the amount of work I have to do. Basically I’m chanting “by Wednesday night it will all be over”. And it will and I will get there and everything will get done because I am a superhero. Yup... I have powers. Can one count stubborn determination as a superpower? Screw it, it’s ten and I just finished reading a 40 page article about Victorian porn for class, it’s a power. Although the article was just... bad, I did learn about a very uncomfortable looking (yes, there was a picture) “whipping machine”. Then again, I suppose if you’re being whipped, comfort isn’t really a must.

On top of which, you won’t believe what I learned in my third year history class today! Keep in mind, to get into a third year class, one must complete two years of university. My professor first instructed us to use spellcheck and review our work. (Never thought of that before.) After that he proceeded to explain the following:

It’s – contraction, it is
Its – possessive

They’re – contraction, they are
There – a location
Their – possessive

Were – a verb
Where – typically a location

Thank GOD he cleared all that up. I have to admit I was confused. He also suggested we write in complete sentences. It’s like he unlocked a foreign language here! Okay, I was actually debating banging my head against the desk but I figured that would have been rude. I went to a French school and I learned this crap by the time I was in grade three. Unimpressed is what I am.

In unrelated news, it’s been snowing for two days and hasn’t stopped. While walking home, I slipped several times, was almost hit by a bus (ironically, the one that goes by my house that I’m never able to catch) and froze my ass to the point where it did not unthaw completely for several hours. I usually love winter, but today, I hate it.

That is all.

Lauren.

Twister of Thoughts

I can’t wait for Monday. I think it’ll be a vacation compared to this weekend. Homework is coming out my ears. It’s kind of painful. I’m studying for a psych midterm, writing a paper and reading the material for my seminar. So... I have thoughts of Napoleon in Egypt, Victorian porn and prenatal brain development simultaneously running through my head. It’s a very strange combination. I’m going to end up accidentally writing an essay about how a pregnant Napoleon wound up on a pornographic Victorian postcard. Now there’s a disturbing thought.

This is the closest I could get. I’m glad because I’m afraid of how much more unattractive this picture could be. Before you ask, I don’t know how he got pregnant but I suspect it’s got something to do with birth control not existing yet.

So... that’s about it for today. Tomorrow has the potential for being much more interesting. Maybe. It depends. Hopefully.

Lauren.

Hair!

OH MY GOD! I just finished reading Juan Cole’s Napoleon’s Egypt: Invading the Middle East. Gah. Since the essay is due soon and I read very slowly, my sister and I decided to turn to the wonders of audio books. I swear to god he was reading slower toward the end. BASTARD! But it’s done. It’s done! I was only vaguely amused by one Grover Gardener’s pronunciation of various French names. I also loved the random and relatively pointless passages where French soldiers described their sex lives in great and disturbing detail. Really Mr. Cole. Did I need to know all that? No, I did not.

In other news, my parents decided that because it’s the end of term and my sister and I have a zillion things to do that require concentration and quiet, that they would paint the basement and wash all the carpets. I have to admit, it’s better than redoing the siding, but still, it’s annoying. We fled to the WC at one point today. According to my dad, I have to vacuum my room more often. Probably... I assumed he was talking about all the cat hair. Nope. He meant my hair. Well aren’t I just embarrassed!

Oddly not really. My mom’s always cursed my hair claiming that I should be bald at the rate I shed. I am not bald, not even close. I actually need another hair cut. Picture the pre-makeover Mia Thermopolis. So... if I’m in my room about as much as my cat is... does that mean I shed more than my cat? I have far less hair. Something is not making sense to me here...

Then again, my generation (in my family I mean) is known for having unusual hair issues. I have a cousin two years older than me with a significant amount of grey hair. I have another cousin four years older than me whose receding hairline would put any middle aged man to shame. Even I have had my issues with grey hair. Yes, I admit it. All I have to say is if I’m grey by the time I’m 25, screw dying it. Pft... like it matters. I have so many damn colours naturally in my hair. I have a lot of red, some dark blonde in the front. And I’m a brunette.

Hair is messed up. That’s my thought.

Lauren.

Subs and Mermaids

There is a serious lack of food in the house. Grocery shopping must be done. As a result, my sister and I went out for supper. We decided on subs and headed up to our favourite sub place. Because there is actually a difference and once tasted, one cannot return to franchise sandwiches.

When we got there it was steady, but we only had to wait a few minutes before they served us. But next to me stood this guy... he’s the kind of guy that I dreaded when I worked with food. He had a “special sandwich” that he’d invented. That alone screams “NIGHTMARE!” He step by step instructed the poor guy behind the counter on how to make this thing. Whatever meat he wanted had to be on the bottom. He wanted pizza sauce on top of that. There was a layer of cheese. Something else had to be in between because he got very irritated when the poor kid tried to add another layer in the wrong location. The bacon had to be cooked for a specific amount of time. The whole sandwich went into the oven for a minute and a half, exactly one minute and a half. I missed a lot of the instructions because I was ordering and paying, but he was laughing the whole time. To his credit, the guy behind the counter was also smiling. I hope to God they knew each other. I probably would have been on the verge of stabbing him by that point. Not going to lie.

This adventure reminded me of something my sister showed me on youtube. Particularly the “but don’t get crazy” part.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

It’s funny because I WISH! People are assholes when it comes to money and food.

As for my presentation... well, the presentation part was alright. It could have been better. I went through too quickly, as I almost always do. I got lost at one point, not for long thankfully. Just my usual nervous errors. The discussion part went well though. I’m pretty pleased with how it went. A lot of interesting things were said, some that I hadn’t thought of. So, part of it went not so well, but the other part I’m happy with. Tada! Because how often does a girl get to talk about the reproduction of humans with fish? I was talking about mermaids being representative of “coloured” people in the book we were reading. For my Apartheid class. In case you were wondering.

In the later discussion, the part I wasn’t responsible for, I mentioned a particular passage but no one knew what the hell I was talking about. Naturally, the assumption was that I’d read it elsewhere. Luckily for me, a lovely girl came to my rescue and together we looked less crazy. Of course when I got home it was still bugging me so I spent a good fifteen minutes looking for this passage. I found it and sent that information to my professor by email. I think it’s the third time this term I’ve concluded an in class debate by email because I either forget what I was talking about or can’t find the proof I’m talking about.

And that’s the kind of day it was. I need a vacation.

Lauren.

I Hate Presentations

Okay, boringest day ever! Not fun! I have a twenty minute presentation to do tomorrow and then I have to lead twenty minutes of discussion. My presentation is six pages long. I have about fourteen slides. Hopefully that’ll cut it. So that’s what I worked on today. Pretty much all day. I was having a hard time getting started... had writer's block. I eventually just went back to the book. I sorted out my quotes and by the time everything was organized, I knew where I was going. Still took forever and a headache.

Anyway...

Watched Grey’s. I’m not impressed. I’m actually kind of bored. Yay for the resolution of fistulas. Aside from being a fun word to say (fistula, fistula, fistula!) it’s nice to see SOMETHING resolved. Oh, I forgot, Mark and Lexi woo. While I can’t blame Callie (gross, she’s not my favourite anymore) for shutting the door, I still think it was rude and mean. And look, the Christina thing goes on. I’m shocked. When does the season end? I don’t even have anything to say anymore about it. How’s that. I think the writers need a holiday. Badly.

Actually... I think I just thought of a way to make Grey’s more interesting. I’ll post it next week. Should be fun.

Lauren.

Caught Up on Glee!

I am really tired today but I’m not entirely sure why. With only a week left of class, I think it has to do with scholastic burnout. On the bright side, in under ten days I will be able to relax a bit. Not much because I’ll still have plenty of work that I should be doing. Reading a book, finishing a paper, coming up with another paper. Thankfully nothing too heavy duty. I say this now.

I’m at a point where I just don’t care. And that’s not a particularly good place to be. Especially not with a presentation, a paper and a midterm left to write. The paper and the midterm are on the same day. Can’t wait to see how that turns out.

Anyway, watched Glee today on my computer. It was really pathetic. I was late so I was carrying Clarence (my laptop) everywhere. Had lunch, Glee was there. Brushed my teeth, Glee was there. Got dressed, Glee. Putting my boots on to run out the door, still holding Clarence, listening to Mercedes and Tina’s song. My sister had the car running. I acknowledged it was sad okay. There are still a few things I would like to address.

I looked somewhat like this strange woman who clearly has an awesome wireless network and possesses the ability to hover. My environment was much more domestic... I'd take that beach though... and I can't hover.

Rachel and Finn. I still feel worse for Rachel... Do I really dislike Finn that much? Apparently yes I do. I don’t fully get it. I still think Finn is a douche even though I probably would have had a similar reaction. Maybe it’s just the totally vacant look on his face all the time... is everything really THAT surprising?

Rachel and Kurt. That just made me so bizarrely happy. I wanted to jump in there and join the hug too. Okay, that’s a complete lie. I don’t do hugs. But it was so sweet. I’m waiting with great anticipation for Kurt to come back to New Directions. Because he has to come back. Otherwise... Glee will feel my wrath! I’m shaking my fist dramatically.

Kurt’s sort of/is he Kurt’s boyfriend. What is up with that guy? He appears, says two lines, then walks away. Like, thanks for the tip, can I get a date? Or a conversation at least? Not me, I’m speaking as Kurt. Some people are probably going to think I’m nuts for saying this, but seeing his uniform makes me miss having a uniform. Yup... I’ve got a real, genuine Catholic school girl uniform. The fantasy destroying kind. You’d be highly disappointed. Or highly amused. Depends.
Was anyone else super excited to see other people performing? It was a nice change. Yay Emma! But at the same time! BOO! EMMA! I got yelled at for spoilers once, so I’ll leave it there. She knows what she did.

I think that’s all I have to say about Glee this week. Aside from, was it just me or was it disgustingly adorable all around with the couples and stuff? Artie and Brittany! I’m leery of Sam but look how cute with Quinn. We’ll see. Still waiting on Grey’s. We shall find out tomorrow. AND I SHALL RANT AGAIN! Those of you who fear my rants, this is advanced warning to take cover. Does anyone fear my rants? I’m really not very scary.

Lauren.