Panda 2 with Lauren and Dana

Okay! Another day spent with Dana! We went to see Kung Fu Panda 2. No I did not feel creepy sitting alone in the theatre when Dana left to go pee for the second time. (Dana: I had to go! Well I did!) There were two kids behind us. They were kind of snotty, probably about 8 or 9 and they were making fun of us. How rude is that? No respect for their elders! And we are elder by… damn what’s the math on that? We’re… 13 years older than them. That’s almost two little brats older than the brats. Anyway, I’ve decided that today I shall do a joint review so you’re getting more than just my opinion.


The review begins now!

…with Dana worrying over whether our review will be crap. She then whacked her elbow on the chair nearby…. This should be fun. We probably won’t stay on topic at all.

Lauren: Would you like to begin with your thoughts on the movie? Since you’re the guest?

Dana: The movie was surprisingly good. I thought it would suck ‘cause sequels usually suck…like…Pocahontas 2

Lauren: Yeah… I don’t remember Pocahontas 2 so it obviously wasn’t memorable. Something about John Rolf and him taking her back to England. She died shortly after he did that in real life. Douche.

Dana: Yah I know! She didn’t even end up with John Smith. Lol What the hell!!!

Lauren: Did you know that John Smith was actually a horrible authoritarian. I think that pilgrims that came over with him actually killed him.

Dana: lol awww don’t ruin the first one for me…He was so romantic

Lauren: BARF! And now back to our regularly scheduled program. Kung Fu Panda! I too was rather surprised by it. The story was different than the first, it actually held up, there were lots of unique new characters, developing relationships, really neat fighting scenes and lots of pretty colours! Because pretty colours are important…

Dana: To right you are..too? to?...anyways….yes agreed…my favourite part was…wait I don’t want to spoil anything…what say you Lauren?

Lauren: For the love of GOD! We learned that in… probably high school! How dare you! In front of me! (By the way, it’s ‘too’). Nah, I’m all for spoilers. Okay, my favourite part is when they’re on the boat and a flying ninja comes out of nowhere and he’s like: Quinn and Rachel should dump Finn’s ass! No, that was me… But seriously, they are on the boat and Po (the panda) admits to Tigress that his dad isn’t really his dad. Tigress is like: “Your father… the goose? And this came as a surprise?”

Dana: Firstly, English is hard!...Secondly. Yah I know! Finn isn’t even all that good looking…(Lauren would like me to mention here that I am in fact straight so that it is not just lesbians who hate Finn)…Where was I going with this? Ah yes the movie… One of my favourite parts was when the goose was like “My son saved China and you can save to when you buy 2 for 1 dumplings!” lol so funny.

Lauren: It was… and you did that ‘too’ thing again. But I digress. (Hehe, she’s looking for her mistake now) But yeah, grammar bitch. So what else can we say? I would buy it. The only issue I have (and it really is the only issue) is that they set up for yet another sequel at the end. I see another never ending series in our future. We’ll have a Shrek miniseries and a Panda miniseries. Great!

Dana: Yah and the goose didn’t say “you had the noodle dream!!!”….lol I loved that part in the first one.

Lauren: So… As you can see, relatively minor issues. We should probably start wrapping this up. Uh, lots of great jokes throughout and new Kung Fu learning. Because learning is important. Unless of course you’re trying to learn the difference between too and to. Because then you can just ignore me.

Dana: lol oh shut up!

Lauren: My blog. I get the last word.

So, this is our incredibly rambling, not really specific review of Kung Fu Panda. I keep writing Panta. It’s… a panda that wears pants… And Dana has informed me that it’s Kung Fu Panda 2. Whoop de doo. Go see it. Well worth it. We are now going to do something else… I don’t know what. Just… something.

Lauren and Dana.

Dana: coughs

Lauren: Did you want to add something?

Dana: I thought I wasn’t allowed to.

Lauren: You aren’t. I said good day!

Just Lauren.

Dana: Bitch, please.

Santa in my Time of Need

Dear Santa,

I know it’s a bit early, but I have an emergency. I figured I would ask you because all other avenues have proven unworkable. I need a pair of shoes for graduation. Nothing extravagant, just a comfortable pair of black flats in size 11. I don’t like bows or pompoms or other crazy embellishments. I just need the shoe. I’ve tried stores and most of the time they don’t even stock size 11. I tried the Internet and everything is either American and can’t be accessed from Canada, is ridiculously expensive or has ridiculously expensive shipping. And then there’s the whole worry about the postage strike. Santa, why are size 11 women’s shoes so ugly? Is it because some shoe hording woman/man buys all the pretty ones? The other day I saw a pair of shoes with a ridiculous pompom type contraption hot-glued to the tip of the shoe. If I were you, I would consider this lack of quality an affront to humankind.

Given that you have elves who make custom toys and merchandise and that you don’t actually use the postal system for gift delivery, I was hoping you could help. I’m also counting on your magical abilities.

Help me Obi Wa—I mean, Santa! You’re my only hope!

Without those flats I’m going to have to walk across the stage in my very comfortable but pretty inappropriate Nike walking shoes. Or my brown leather ones and brown shoes do not go with black pants. Please understand. This is an emergency. I’ll be forever grateful.

Love,

Lauren.

PS: I’m sorry about your cookies. I had a little accident... I’ll try to do better this year.

The English Sponge

The other day when I did my regular Glee post, I used the word mishegos. I had no clue how to spell it and had to look it up. In the process of looking it up, I found an “English to Yiddish” translation site. How could I resist?

I never realized how many apparently Yiddish words I use, or that my parents use. For instance:

bagel: hard glazed donut shaped roll

chutzpa: unmitigated gall; nerve; daring; gall

deli: prepared food, or piece where it is sold

glitch: skip; commonly applied today to a minor detect, mishap, or malfunction in a machine. esp. a computer

kibosh: something that serves as a check or stop

klutz: a clumsy person

putz: a real jerk (lit. penis); more offensive than "shmuck"

shlep: a bore or jerk; to carry or drag around

shluff: sleep

shlump: sloppy person

shmo: a simpleton

shmutz: dirt

shtik: a routine or behavior, especially an actors

Lots of “sh” words. I recognized a few others but I don’t use them in conversation. I don’t really know anyone who says “shalom”. In any case, my English nerd snuck out again and was absolutely fascinated.

I feel kind of like the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding (love that movie by the way). “Give me any words and I show you that the root of that word is Greek.” The English language is like a sponge. It just assimilates all kinds of words from other languages. I cannot tell you how many French words are also English. And then I never know how to pronounce them. Do I say it in French in the middle of an English sentence or do I massacre it? The problems I face being bilingual! In spite of being confusing, it’s fascinating isn’t it? Okay, I know it’s not just me.

The other thing I learned today relates to yesterday’s post. Mothers are not interested in questions of cleanliness when those questions related to nineteenth century leather strap-ons. All I asked was whether leather was porous. She’s the one that asked why I wanted to know. I just wanted to double check. Yeah... probably should have seen that one coming.

Lauren.

Done Tipping the Velvet

I have completed the Tipping the Velvet experience. I’m talking about the book by Sarah Waters in case anyone has read the book and knows what the expression is supposed to mean. I finished reading the book last night, or rather, three o’clock this morning. Like I said the other day, thoroughly enjoyed it from beginning to end. Yup, I even liked the end. It was sweet, open and still had the sense of finality. Lovely! I think the basic types of relationships are all represented, from the disastrous first love that screws you over for an unbelievably long time, to the weirdly attractive yet abusive relationship, to falling in love with someone who can not only be a lover but a best friend. Yes, deep down I am in fact a romantic. Shocker of the century there right?

It was an interesting look at East End London, gay life in the nineteenth century (in every sense of the word gay), music halls and also, when discussing this book with a friend, even more interesting questions arose. I mentioned the whole sex toy thing to Dana. That’s when we started talking about... construction materials. The one in the book was made of leather. It’s not that I don’t believe sex toys were made of leather. I know they were (history of sexuality class, don’t ask). Once material was discussed, my questions moved to cleanliness issues. I can’t imagine that leather sex toys would be particularly sanitary. Leather is porous isn’t it? How would one clean that? Then again, I think medicine and sanitation were just starting to develop into their modern equivalents. Besides, judging by all the acts that passed in the nineteenth century related to sexually transmitted diseases, I doubt cleanliness was top priority. So... my question is historically irrelevant and all around pointless. But I do have a point! I do!

To complete the experience, I watched the BBC miniseries based on Tipping the Velvet(on youtube of all places). Had I not read the book, I probably would have thought it was good if only a little painful and much to watch in some parts. I don’t mean emotionally moving kind of painful. I mean, ‘this is really awkward and I kind of want to look away. Why am I not looking away?’ kind of painful. Many, many, many liberties were taken. I don’t think I’ll be buying this one. I have a sense they were going for a kind of... obviously theatrical feel that’s aware of how theatrical it is. Sometimes it’s jarring and sometimes it effectively killed the drama. It adds very little. Kind of made me think of someone editing their first movie and testing out all the cool transitions and effects they can put in.


If you want to get the general idea of the book without reading it or kind of just check what Sarah Waters writes about, the movie would work fairly well for you. If however you really want to know the story, read the book. If you want to see what Sarah Waters can do with the subject matter, you must read the book. The movie and the book aren’t quite comparable. Same storyline, but the movie is more of a... rearranged collage.

I think Eat, Pray, Love is my next read. I saw the movie and I was intrigued. We’ll see if my expectations hold up.

Lauren.

When Onions Attack

I’m currently working on my Mac. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this thing. The only reason I’m using Jasper instead of Clarence is because my Dell is currently trapped in the basement. Yes, trapped. My sister, in spite of it being ten o’clock at night, is cooking onions. I don’t know what she does to them but they reek. I’d have to go down to the kitchen to get into the basement. I’m trying to create a safe breathing environment. It’s not really working. My bedroom door is closed but the stench is filtering through! It’s after me! The onions are after me! I haven’t touched an onion since quitting my old job almost a year ago and now they’re coming to get me. They should be thanking me! I’m not dicing and frying them anymore!

I think I must have had a traumatic onion experience as a child. This hatred of onions is not normal. I know people who dislike onions but I really hate them. I don’t like how they feel, how they taste, the noise they make when you chew them, I hate their texture I REALLY hate how they smell. And the onions know. I’d have to stop cutting onions at work because I’d be crying so bad I couldn’t see. Why must they know! Why must they conspire against me! I’m a pretty good person!

Freud: Lauren, ze onions do not know you. Zey are inanimate. Zey cannot hurt you.

Lauren: You’re still here?

Freud: Yah. I don’t really know vhy. After Angela said you vere okay you stopped needink me. But now you heve a problem and zo I heve returned. It vas a lovely holiday but beink beck at vork is mach more interestink to me.

Lauren: Oh. Yeah… sorry about that. I guess I kind of just forgot about you guys when I got all busy and stuff.

Freud: It iss a good sing vhen you feel comfortable enough to leave behind your imaginary friends. Most children do it mach sooner but you heve never been "normal". Ve understand. Except for Rochester. He iss so immature. But zhat iss not ze issue at hand. Come, sit. Tell Zigmund vhat you heve against onions.

Lauren: They’re just awful. I don’t know what else to say. IT DOESN'T NEED FURTHER EXPLANATION!

Freud: Do you sink ze onions hate you?

Lauren: I know they hate me. And I hate them!

Freud: I see… very interestink. And vhat do you sink the cause of this hatred iss? Vas zere a time vhen you liked onions?

Lauren: No, I’ve always hated them. I suppose it all stems from that one time my mom let me eat a piece of raw onion… It took forever for the taste to go away… Oh GOD! It was so horrible!

Freud: You have experienced a childhood trauma! One way to cure you iss to repeat ze incident. Here, try zese onions. I had Maggie cook zhem.

Lauren: NO! GET THEM AWAY FROM ME! MONSTER! I thought you were on my side but you’re just like them!

Freud: Like who Lauren?

BLACK HOODED FIGURES EMERGE FROM THE DARKNESS HOLDING PLATES OF FOOD LOADED WITH ONIONS.

Mom: Eat them Lauren. They add flavour! I cut them up really small! You can barely see them!

Lauren: No! I can see them! They’re there!

Dad: Come on Lauren, you have to eat your supper or you won’t get dessert. I want to see a clean plate!

Lauren: But I want my cookies!

Mom and Dad: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

LAUREN SITS IN THE CORNER OF FREUD’S OFFICE, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH CHANTING “The onions are everywhere! Why can’t they be cookies?”

Freud: Lauren, I am both saddened and pleased to announce zhat you are in serious need of therapy. I vill make myself available to you again.

Well… that was unexpected.

Lauren.

Random but Productive... sort of

Holy crap where did today go?!

I’m in a writing mood. Got some stuff done on my novel, got some really great and really interesting feedback. It actually made me think of something that I hadn’t considered doing before. Sure I have to go back and fix a chapter but it’s well worth it. And it’s only one chapter. Thank God it’s not a plot hole.

I did some reading. Probably finish up my book tomorrow. Read some lovely fanfiction. Yet another happy Faberry wedding!

Dana came over. We went out for a cup of coffee and discussed joblessness, how horrible people are and our boredom.

I ran into TV guy. Twice. He honked at me the second time. His girlfriend was with him. At least this time I was clean.

Dana and I attempted to bake an apple pecan torte. I’ve gotten into the habit of writing notes on post-its and sticking them in my recipe book. Just little things like “don’t throw out boiling water from step 4, use again in step eight”. For the apple pecan torte I only needed three letters. I’m sorry Dana but those letters are ‘DNR’. In the medical world it stands for do not resuscitate. That applies in baking now. DO NOT REPEAT. I don’t know what the hell happened, but half the tort was stuck in the pan. It looks like an apple, pecan, cakey attempt at... mashed potatoes. Everything is broken and I did my best to put everything back where it was... there was no saving this one. Tastes alright though. Just not pretty.

What else... OH! The other day I was wondering why ‘pants’ is plural. I was only trying to annoy my mom, but you have to admit, it’s a valid question. It’s a pair of pants. Why is it a pair? I don't wear two at a time. Is one leg called a pant? I went on and on for about ten minutes while my mom looked for dress pants. Yes, I do this kind of thing in public. Eventually, I found a solution! My unnamed professor! She would know! I secretly think she knows everything. Well... not so secretly anymore. My mom kind of scoff-laughed as if to say: she probably has better things to do than indulge your random ramblings and stupidity.

Well the scoff’s on her! Because my prof did know! And she told me! Pants is plural because: “'Pants' is a shortened form of 'pantaloons.' 'Pantaloon' is singular, 'pantaloons' plural. Ergo one leg of 'pants' used to be 'pantaloon,' two legs 'pantaloons.'”

I love having smart friends! My mom assured me that from now on, she’ll put her feet in both legs at the exact same time. I’m not sure why that matters but that’s what she assured me.

To continue the randomness, if you have time and would like to laugh at Glee, check out SIMGM on youtube. They do Glee spoofs. Just watched all of them with Dana. Too funny. Can’t wait for the next instalment. I now have the song, “Obsessed with Finn” stuck in my head (I think that’s episode 3).

A final thing. My account is acting weird and I can’t comment on posts. But I am reading them. Slashing tires is too dramatic for me. I just quit. While natural disasters are awful, I’m glad to see you back. And lastly, I don’t care if it’s with pizza, on a train or in a plan, I do not like math Sam I am, I do not like math and... pizza? You know who you are, but if you don’t know, these are my comments for Climb2Nowhere, Dreamfarm Girl and Brahm. All three wrote lovely and entertaining posts. As always.

Lauren.

Graduation Garb

I am tired. My parents woke me up early this morning because we were scheduled to go shopping out of town. My graduation is coming up and I need an outfit. Personally, I’d go wearing dress pants, nice shoes and a decent t-shirt. No one is going to see anything under my gown. Unless they have x-ray vision in which case, better clothes will not help.

My unnamed professor and my mom teamed up against me. Something about Mom-Solidarity... stupid solidarity. She said that my mom was right, that she was just excited and that I would know that I looked good. Dang her logic!

I hate shopping but I have to say, it went rather well. I found the majority of my outfit as I already own an amazing pair of pants. Now all that’s missing is the shoes. Shoes have always been the last and most difficult item to procure. It’s really hard to find a nice shoe in a size 11 or 11 ½. I think that’s about a 41 in European sizes. Way to make me feel like I’m walking on canoes Europe. Yes, I’m blaming the entire continent.


Obviously canoes are not meant to be shoes.

For this graduation I’m trying to go simple, comfortable, light and safe. For my high school grad I was in a skirt for the first time in my life, in actual high heels for the first time in my life, my hair was done up using at least a quarter of the world’s supply of bobby-pins. It was important so I let it all happen. About that! The skirt was actually comfortable except for the paranoia I suffered regarding how I was sitting. The heels were awful. I must have found the most uncomfortable pair because I refuse to believe they’re still a fashion staple if they hurt that much. I couldn’t stand in those for more than fifteen minutes at a time and I walked home from my bus stop with a nearly broken foot. Not to mention that I almost fell off the grad stage... again. The dude at the stairs to help the girls (and one or two guys) down was not a mere formality to me. It’s hysterical because he was about a foot shorter than me and probably weighed a third of what I did. I don’t know how I made it back to my seat without incident, but I managed. I experienced a similar problem at my grade eight grad... stupid high shoes and balance problems.

So this year, I’m just wearing a nice pair of black pants, a light shirt with a jacket and most importantly of all, FLATS. I am not compromising on the last item. As for my hair... no idea. I’ll wash it for sure! Maybe I’ll get it cut. I’m more than due and even better, I think it’s long enough to donate now.

It’s taken two attempts but I think I’ve finally figured this whole graduating thing out. Fingers crossed.

Also, does anyone want to buy a gently used ABBA CD? I’m afraid that if I just hide it my parents will find it again. I love ABBA but one cannot sleep while Our Last Summer is blaring on repeat.

Lauren.

Glee Finale and Movies!

A good day and a bad day all rolled into one. I pretty much finished the website I’ve been working on. I watched some good movies. Glee was on! And on the downside, the project formerly known as my scheme has hit a rather large speed bump. But I’m not going to talk about that because set backs are for people with considerably less determination and drive. I am going to talk about the movies and Glee.

Glee first.

Well obviously I was horrendously disappointed with Rachel getting back together with Finn. (VOMIT) He dumps Quinn for Rachel, Rachel for Quinn, Quinn for Rachel again... I think I’m missing a few. Rachel deserves to have her heart broken. As for Quinn, well, I think she needs some time to learn to love herself and then find a really great guy who isn’t constantly dumping her and coming back to her. I was also disappointed that Santana didn’t get together with Brittany. COME ON! That had better be a storyline next season. Seriously. I did however love this episode. I loved all the music and that Rachel seems to have cleared her head of all the Finn and Lima mishegoss (just found out that’s a Yiddish word. Coo-ool!). I’m quite happy that Rachel also made up with Sunshine, who was on Ellen!

I finally looked it up and turns out I remembered seeing the show she was on. Talk about leaving an impression. Of all the TV I watch (a lot) and all the other things swirling around in my head, I actually remembered her performance on Ellen well enough to pick her out on Glee three years later. Creepy?



I can’t believe I remembered that. Watching her and Lea Michele makes me wish I could sing like that. I’m grateful for the talents that I have and I would never trade them, but God, being able to just belt out what you feel and make an entire audience feel what you are in a matter of minutes... that’s magic.

Anyway, loved the finale even though I was looking for more to happen. Then again, I guess that’s the point. Can’t wait for the new season.

"Megamind" second.

I’m not a fan of Will Farrell, but I actually really liked this movie. It was cute and surprising and entertaining all around. Also, the music in it was pretty great as well. Got to love the classic rock thrown in there. It really added to the character and the feel of the movie. One of the better animated movies I’ve seen this year. As much for adults as it is for kids and to me, that’s the hallmark of a great kids’ movie. Definitely recommend it.

I’m kind of glad that we watched this one before Glee and Megamind because I needed something a little more upbeat afterward. We rented “The Courageous Heart of Irena Sendler”. It’s the true story of a Polish woman who helps Jewish children escape the ghetto during the Nazi occupation. Anna Paquin and Marcia Gay Harden star in it. I’d never heard of this movie or this woman, we kind of just picked it up at random, but it was a very good story. I’d be interested in researching it in greater detail. It wasn’t as... horrifying as I expected it to be. It did have a few of those horrible parts that boggle your mind, but overall, I think it stuck pretty close to the main story of her getting children out and finding them homes. Definitely worth a watch.

Actually, there’s one scene where Anna Paquin is just looking around her. She’s in her period costume and on a set designed to match the ghettos of Poland. While I was watching it, I couldn’t help but imagine myself in her place and wonder: Why the hell isn’t she crying her face off? We’re a strange culture, recreating our evils to tell their story. I guess it’s a good thing I’m a terrible actress. I probably would have been hit hard with the history of it all and been bawling.

That’s it for today. Really long post. See you tomorrow.

Lauren.

I Got a Phone Number!

I have no idea who this kid is, but I found his picture while doing a google image search. The reason I’ve borrowed his likeness is because I looked pretty similar this morning. I woke up later than I should have and instead of getting dressed and returning to my human form, I plopped down in front of the TV. It was a holiday... not like I have anything better to do anyway.


But remember the TV guy I said may or may not stop in? Yeah, he stopped in. I hadn’t showered, I wasn’t dressed, I hadn’t brushed my teeth, I definitely hadn’t brushed my hair and sin of all sins, I was not wearing deodorant. Thankfully he’s a family friend and male which helps drop the embarrassing factor. Had it been a strange woman, I’d be in a hole right now.

I’m not going to lie, I kind of wanted to ignore him when he rang the doorbell (insistently) and knocked on the door (loudly). Hey, I may not be attracted to him, but I don’t like looking like a slob in front of people. Other than my immediate family of course. Unfortunately, I’d mistaken his knock for my sister’s (she always forgets her keys) and he happened to see me through the kitchen window. So there was no way of getting out of it. No polite way anyway...

I let him in, made pleasant small talk and explained that I knew nothing about our TV, my father’s passwords or what my dad was hoping to set up. Still, he poked around and left me notes on what would be required to obtain maximum TV quality. Whatever. As long as I get to watch Glee tomorrow night, I don’t care. He was there about fifteen minutes at the most, but I was still really uncomfortable and smelly and messy. I don’t generally put a lot of effort into the way I look, but when there’s no effort at all, well, it’s just sad.

He left me with some final instructions and I locked the door behind him. I was home along after all. I managed to get all the way back to the basement, read a sentence of a fanfiction I’d been reading before he was ringing the doorbell (insistently) and knocking on the door (loudly). It took me a minute to get to the door because the recliner doesn’t always close and I get trapped in it. When I opened the door, he blurted out the following:

TV guy: We don’t hang out anymore. Do you have facebook?

Lauren: No. But my sister does.

TV guy: Here, do you have a piece of paper? I’ll give you my number.

Lauren: Okay...

TV guy: Call me! We’ll go to the beach or something!

With that he left. I made sure he pulled out of my driveway before I locked the door and went about the rest of my day. Not that it matters, but I don’t do beaches. That’s where the sun is. The encounter was all very odd. When I finally went to shower an hour or so later, I couldn’t help but think that male standards are seriously dropping if I can get a number looking and smelling the way I did. Did I mention I’d finished off my broccoli quiche this morning for breakfast and probably had green bits stuck in my teeth? I don’t like to think of myself as a superficial person but I don’t think I would have approached me.

Guys are weird.

Lauren.

Catshmere

I spent the greater portion of today doing things of little import. Dishes, cooking, laundry, watching movies, writing. It was quite fun actually. After a day spent around people, I can enjoy a day spent alone. The cool thing is, I got this awesome idea for a business and the start up is pretty cheap.

It’s spring which means that it’s shedding season for my familiar (aka Meeko). Now, I’m sure you’ve all heard of cashmere. I think I can create a reasonably inexpensive and nominally similar fabric. I’m calling it catshmere. Oh yeah, he’s shedding that much.

So, I just have to spin the fur that comes off him, dye it... possibly get my mom to knit it into various articles of clothing. She’s obsessed with knitting so I don’t see that being a problem. And Meeko loves to be brushed. It’s a winning situation for everyone involved. I of course benefit from having something to do and making money. Tada! It’s a job!

Am I worried about Meeko running out of fur or whatever? No, no I’m not. I brushed him for about half an hour, possibly more and pulled off enough fur for a whole kitten. You can’t even tell. I was petting him a short time later and was still pulling wads of fur off. WADS! Not stray hairs here and there, huge wads. I think he has a problem. I mean, how much undercoat can there possibly be? Does he have an under-parka? Or is it a fur-coat undercoat. I’d show you a picture of the hairball I created from his fur, but it’s gross. It’s about the same size as a quarter.

If you’re concerned over quality, I can assure you, catshmere is very soft and very clean. Meeko is always licking himself. If however, you’re concerned over animal cruelty, you needn’t be. If it weren’t for Meeko I think I would be completely insane by now. We’re buds. I don’t hurt my friends.

What do you think? Viable idea? Tell me someone hasn’t already thought of this... I have designs ready and everything!

Lauren.

Saturday Discoveries

I’m tired. I went to my parents’ trailer today. They set up camp on their friend’s lot with a couple other people. It’s like a mini trailer park of former paramedics. Obviously they aren’t very far out of town, maybe forty minutes at the most. It’s far enough away to be out of the city but close enough for me to go for a day trip. I was able to remain sufficiently distracted and avoided having a panic attack. I still don’t think I would have been able to stay the whole night. I was starting to stare down the clock by the time we had to leave.

Also among today’s discoveries:

Fireworks are scary. Either my dad or my dad’s friend nearly got hit in the face with one. The fuse was shorter than anticipated. Dogs definitely do not like them. Forget the four maids a-milking. We had four dogs a-cowering. Then, I tripped over a rock because I was looking up. And since we were in the bush, I was also afraid we were seconds from starting a fire. Fortunately that did not happen.

Only Phoebe Buffet has sexy phlegm. One of the girls I was hanging out with started belting Firework (at my suggestion). What better soundtrack for watching fireworks? She has a terrible cold and it does not improve her voice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INQX2E3Nrbs

It’s best to be far away from the phone when your parents are on their first camping trip of the season. My parents called four times between 11 and 2 o’clock this afternoon. The first three times I answered with ‘Hello’. The last time I answered with a very irritated ‘What?’. The call that woke me up was about whether I’d tested the TV. They called again to ask if I wanted to come down. They called again to confirm the plan that would enable me to come down. They called one more time because my dad forgot his pills. I got them to agree not to call me for the rest of the weekend.

I think I like fat Puss in Boots from Shrek 4 better than regular Puss. Maybe I’m biased because of Meeko? I think he’s funnier. “Donkey, can I borrow your tongue?” And how could you not love those big eyes? Yes, I’m watching the fourth Shrek movie.



So... I think I’m going to grab a hot chocolate and then go to bed. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

Lauren.

Lauren Angry

I’m way too angry to blog right now. I’ll see about writing something decent after I have a good night’s sleep and calm down. Until tomorrow.

------------------------------------------

So I’m back. I think the frustration of being trapped at home finally hit peak and then, obviously, my family pushed me over the edge. There is definitely a reason why you can’t choose your family. That does not however, stop me from wondering how I wound up being a part of mine.

Ever feel like the puzzle piece that somehow ended up in the wrong box?

One day I will not live here. One day I will find where I fit in. And one day none of what I’m going through now will matter.

It’s just a matter of getting to that one day without doing something that would land me in prison. Because sometimes, I’d really like to throw something. I generally refrain from throwing things since most things are expensive and there always seems to be property or some person in my way.

Well, I’d best be off. I have to shower and get dressed before some guy maybe or maybe doesn’t stop by to set up the satellite dish my dad just couldn’t wait three days to install.

Lauren.

TV Finales: Whimpers and Bangs

A very strange night for season finales. A strange week for finales really. Okay, I only watch four shows regularly enough to comment on, but they were all rather unusual and I have questions.

For instance, if The Good Wife’s Alicia Florick is making out with and possibly having sex with (I say possibly because I can just imagine her having an attack of conscience and backing out) co-worker Will Gardner, does that make her The Bad Wife? Or are all bets off because her husband is an ass and they’re separated? Also, with her new promotion and potential ‘bad wife’ status, would Alicia have enough money to ‘take out’ her mother in law? As a side note, I kind of heart Alan Cumming in this show, though I usually do heart Alan Cumming. In the gayest way possible of course.



As to Big Bang Theory, Penny and Raj. I did not see that coming. I did not intend that as a pun. Although it is kind of amusing that he still can’t talk to her. I’ll be a little disappointed if after all that, we discover that nothing actually happened. If Sheldon can hear clinking glasses, I would imagine he can hear sex. Then again, it is Raj. Right, my question, why is Bernadette marrying Howard? I thought they tried living together earlier this season. If I remember correctly, Howard’s mom didn’t even realize he’d moved out for how long it actually lasted. And why is he the only one without a doctorate? That last one might have been answered in an earlier episode that I have not yet seen.



Now Grey’s. Yet another bad pun on the way. Did anyone else think it ended in a whimper rather than a bang? Granted, it is difficult to top a mass shooting (which I realize sounds awful) but even for a regular episode it was kind of... blah. Perhaps that’s just me because I stopped caring about Derek, Teddy and Christina. I find Derek to be incredibly insufferable though he does have nice hair. Does he never make mistakes? I think he should make a mistake and have someone lord it over him for all time. That would temporarily amuse me. Teddy... I don’t know what it is about her, but she bugs me, I’m just not interested in her character. As for Christina, she used to be my favourite with her quick and cutting witticisms, but now she’s kind of just a bitch. That and Owen is an idiot. I thought they had the baby debate earlier on in this season and everyone found out that Christina is just not interested in having kids. Did he think that would change with time? I really don’t know if I’ll pick the show up again next season... I was unimpressed with almost all of this season. I’d be all for a Callie/Arizona spin off. I mean, that would probably last for all of six episodes, but then I wouldn’t have to watch the other stupid Grey’s characters I don’t like.

All that remains for my TV watching pleasure is the season finale of Glee this Tuesday. I’m curious to know what will happen after the third season. Surely they aren’t all going to the same college or university or staying in the same town for that matter. Maybe time will cease to exist in the third season.

Lauren.

A Question for my English Prof

Not much to report today. I’m happy to say that I am not a criminal. I picked up my police background check and as it turns out, I have no criminal offences. Go figure. I can now teach children! Yay!

Now for something a little more perplexing and interesting. During one of my breaks, I don’t remember which one, possibly last summer, I read Sarah Waters’ Fingersmith. It was a very interesting read and the mini-series of it was pretty good too.



When my English prof took us out for drinks, I wound up sitting beside her. I don’t remember how we got onto this topic, but I started talking about Fingersmith and how I’d enjoyed reading it. We talked about it a bit and then she suggested that I would like Tipping the Velvet by the same author. When I went out of town a while ago, I picked it and I’ve only now started reading it.



To be fair, it is a good read, very interesting and also not really what I was expecting. Anyone who’s read it can probably see where I’m going with this. Without spoiling too much of it or going too much into detail, the main character leaves her small town, joins her female lover in a popular stage act as a male impersonator and when that falls through, she takes to the streets and becomes something of a cross dressing prostitute. I don’t know if there’s an actual term for that... Conveniently, when she starts getting bored of that, a rich Lady finds her and decides to make her a kept woman. That’s about where I’m at right now. As a kept woman, the main character is expected to provide sex. I never really thought about it before, because I never really had a reason to, but I now have a very clear idea of what lesbians were using as sex toys in the Victorian era. The way they’re described, it sounds like they more than serve their purpose, they don’t however sound very comfortable. Then again, I wouldn’t know.

So, I’m now wondering what I said or did to make my professor think I’d like this book. It’s well written, it’s a very interesting look at a period I very much enjoy studying, an interesting take on sexuality. And I am a very open person who is not very easily shocked. But, I’m still wondering why she mentioned this particular book. Sarah Waters has two others if I’m not mistaken. Dunno what I did, what I said, if there’s something in the way I look that suggests that I would be interested in transvestites and sex toys, but none of that really matters. Actually, I think I did come across a character in that book that looks and acts a lot like me but I can’t be sure yet. I’ll admit to it when I know more about her.

That’s my query for the day. Maybe I’ll email my prof and ask.

Lauren.

Glee: Funeral

Tonight I was able to watch Glee thanks to the province of Saskatchewan. Thank you Saskatchewan for being in a different time zone. I’ll explain quickly. I haven’t been able to access the internet on my Mac and therefore haven’t been able to use some of my programs which defeats the purpose of owning said Mac. I called my uncle for help. He lives in Ottawa. We were on the phone probably about twenty to thirty minutes before my dad got home. Then things really got crazy. I was in the kitchen on my Dell and Mac at the same time, my dad was on his computer in the basement, my uncle was on two computers and all the while, each of us had a phone tucked against our shoulders. It was awful. And the best part is, I still can’t access the internet from my Mac. We have no idea what the heck is wrong. By then I’d already missed half of Glee so, again, thank you to the wonderful province of Saskatchewan for being in a different time zone. I was able to catch every single minute.

Now, about Glee. I have a few words: annoyed, kind of bored and head-desk.

I’m actually tired of Finn-bashing so I’m going to complain about the TV people behind the three-pronged relationship from Hell. The Quinn, Rachel, Finn triangle must end. Please God let it end! The back and forth is detracting from the awesomeness of the show. I can’t believe two beautiful, intelligent, talented characters like Rachel and Quinn are constantly being stupid enough to take Finn back. It makes no sense. At this point, the writers should just put them in a polyamorous relationship. That way Finn can be tethered to Rachel while still seeing fireworks with Quinn and I get my damn Faberry. Wow... Uh, sorry about that... that sounded way kinkier than I intended. Hmmm... moving on? Yeah. Moving on.

But seriously, that’s the first thing I have to say about a wonderfully moving episode that mainly revolved around Sue. This is what I was talking about. I would have preferred it if they'd murdered the Quinn/Rachel/Finn triangle. But about Sue, that was terrible. I may or may not have nearly cried during the funeral. Stupid Glee getting all emotional on me... It was neat that Finn and Kurt made Jean's funeral a statement about her life though. Like most people, I assume anyway, I don’t like seeing people sad. I wouldn’t want a bunch of people crowding in a room and feeling horrible because I’m gone. I mean, hopefully they’re a little sad and not jumping with joy, but I’d rather be remembered with smiles. So I liked that part of the episode. I’ve only ever really been to one funeral and I think Santana has a point. We should put the ‘fun’ back into funerals.



What else... Jesse and Rachel. Again... great. I think when Jesse smashed eggs on Rachel’s head that he may have also scrambled her brain. There can’t be a whole lot going on up there if she keeps ping-ponging between these two particular guys.

Fingers crossed, Quinn’s New York plans involve some Faberry goodness. Could totally happen. It probably won’t. But it could. Hey, Glee is great with gay themes and issues, I’m just saying they could bring the gay issues together with some girl power. Because what would be more intense than Rachel and Quinn fighting on the same side? Think about it. And it resolves the whole Quinn fearing her model life in Lima. She would obviously follow Rachel to New York! I got carried away again didn’t I? Whatever, the foundation is so blatantly there.

In closing: I’m all for an all girl power-couple. Quinn and Rachel, Santana and Brittany, one of them has to happen. TV People, make it so!

Lauren.

Psychic, Freudian, Conspiracy, Writing, Birdfeeder!

Blarg...

I have to find something to do soon or I’m going to be wiping my brain off the floor. It has been steadily turning to mush and it is beginning to drip out of my ears. It’s quite gross and I’m hoping the solidification process is painless. I don’t know how it works but if my brain can melt, surely there’s a reverse process.

Okay, so random snippets from today because no one moment merits an entire post.

I’m afraid that I might be developing a psychic connection with my cat. I simply think of him and as if from nowhere he appears. There’s crazy cat lady and then there’s hybrid cat/human lady. I think I’m headed toward the latter. I know I can’t pull off a cat suit. The transformation must cease!

The awkward moment of the day: I was talking to Veronica and she suggested that either her cats were getting fatter or she’d need a bigger lap for both of them to sleep on her. I responded with: I can lend you my lap. Yeah... didn’t quite mean it the way it came out. Freudian slip? I know not. On the bright side, she claims to have understood what I meant.

My mother and I debated over various conspiracies afflicting reality shows. Once again my mother was not pleased with the winner of Survivor and as a result, has yet again sworn not to watch it. I’m pretty sure Survivor is fake... I don’t know if my mom has realized yet. This just in: she sarcastically informed me that it’s all real. I suppose that settles that. She also has concerns regarding Dancing with the Stars and the blatant favouritism displayed by the judges. According to her Hines is the object of their favour, but her reason for believing they favour him is because he’s good... I don’t think that’s favouritism...

I finished writing Chapter 6 and pretty much wrote a port-town hell-hole by accident. It’s a pretty awful place to live. I might have to fix that... maybe...

I had a craving for a snack. This is what I am currently eating: Rustic flatbreads. Basically, if you poked a tiny hole in the cracker, threaded a string through it and hung it in a tree, you’d have an awesome birdfeeder. It looks like a piece of cardboard with seeds pressed into it and baked. And in spite of that rather awful review, they’re quite good. Except for the seeds getting stuck in your teeth, that kinda sucks.

I’m gonna do something tomorrow. I don’t know what, but something will get done.

Lauren.

Lauren and Dana in the Mystery that Never got Solved

I took full advantage of Dana being in town and asked her if she wanted to hang out again today. She agreed. We ended up going down to my parents’ trailer because she hadn’t seen it and my fear of it is intriguing. She’s into psych. Once we did the grand tour, which took about five minutes, we decided to go exploring. There’s bush and swamp behind the trailer and Dana happened to spot a path. So off we went.

At first we were looking for the huge creepy birds my dad told me about last time. They make this really bizarre noise. So we walked along the edge of the swamp, keeping our eyes peeled. We found several odd stumps, what probably amounts to a beaver metropolis and a yellow golf ball (why are golf balls everywhere?) but no really big creepy, weird sounding birds. (Dana now believes they are a myth.) Even though our primary objective failed, we kept hearing a ‘blub’ like sound... like viscous bubbles popping. We were never able to figure out the source of that either. We hadn’t exactly planned on hiking. Dana was in little flats. Any heavy duty exploring was out of the question. Nancy Drew we are not. Whatever, mysteries keep life exciting.

Eventually we came to a dead end of sorts and decided to turn around. As it so happened, my parents were looking for us and were staring our way from across the swamp. My mom was impossible to miss. She was wearing a glaring white sweatshirt that would put fresh snow to shame. Our hiking adventure ended with pizza so I was quite happy.

After such an exhausting hike, we decided to read some more. Dana read up to chapter 5 of my novel, and while she was doing that, I lost at online poker and then also turned to reading. It’s mildly depressing that it takes next to no time to read a few chapters when it takes hours and hours to write one. We then got into a few disagreements.

Dana didn’t like my main character’s weapon. She thought it was sissy. She agreed it made sense for my character (who is not sissy at all) but was still unimpressed. Sophie’s weapon of choice is a quarterstaff. Dana asked me if it was at least magic. It’s not. I think she was partially doing it to see how I would react. Quarterstaff is not wussy and I think I ended the argument with “I’m not going to change it either way”. I’m so great with criticism. She also told me she thought one of my characters was hot. I’ve never had that particular comment made before. It’s weird. I kind of got this mental image of him coming to life and being the next Edward Cullen or something, except he’s a figment of my imagination... I can't explain how odd it is having people say that they’re attracted to the voices in your head. And no, that weird way of expressing it doesn't exactly cover it.

The movie of the day was But I’m a Cheerleader. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched that movie, I still laugh. It gives me a new appreciation for stereotypes. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a watch if you’re in the mood for something silly, corny and yet somehow, still thought provoking.

Lauren.

Mac=MF PC=:)

Well, it took longer than I thought for my Mac to piss me off. But it has pissed me off. I cannot figure out how to connect to the internet, I cannot open my Microsoft programs though I had them pre-installed. Why is everything easier with PCs? It took me minutes to figure out how to connect to the internet using Clarence. Hours! Because I’m persistent and not computer savvy I persisted for hours! And still failed! BLAST YOU MAC!

Also, the name of my new computer just came to me. He shall from this point forward be known as Jasper.

I was talking to my friend Charlotte on MSN (yes, I still use MSN) and expressed my Mac anger. I ended up developing stages of Mac Frustration. MF shall now be known as Mac Frustration. At least it will when referring to a recognized mental health condition. Right, the stages of Mac Frustration. Behold! I even illustrated them.



Obviously I was upset. It should have said "This is what Mac's..." There wasn’t an emoticon of a person running upstairs to get their less stupid Dell computer. So, this post has once more been brought to you by my ever faithful Clarence.

Tomorrow I’ll be calling my uncle and hopefully solving this little issue. For now, score one to the PC guy.



Otherwise, I worked on my novel (on my dinosaur, an ancient PC that works better that my Mac). I’m almost finished Chapter 6. I have about three pages to type up so... about 1000 words I’m thinking. Getting into some good stuff. We’ve got some drunken betrayal, an attack and a chase scene all coming up in the next chapter or so. I think I might also add a scene where my kidnapping victim more actively tries to escape. Should be fun.

Also, because I just noticed this, the scene where Daniel and Mr Miagi are trying to catch the fly with chopsticks: a) DUMBEST FLY EVER and b) you can see the string... For shame! Clearly I’m watching Karate Kid again. I watched Back to the Future the other day and for some reason, I always watch them in close proximity to one another. Yet another of my quirks? I don’t know. It’s just one of those things I do. Like... putting parmesan cheese on pasta.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got. I’m sending searing hate rays at Jasper as we speak. He can stay in his box tonight.

Lauren.

A Day with Dana

I’m friends with several different types of people. I’ll talk to pretty much anyone. But my favourite type of friend is the friend who doesn’t mind coming over, sitting at my dinosaur (my really old desktop) and reading a few chapters of my novel. It looks weird, which my mom reminds me of constantly, but it’s nice. I sit on my bed reading or working while my friend reads and gives me feedback. Occasionally we get off topic or debate about something, but we always go back to reading.

I guess the reason that type of friend matters most to me is because they’re taking an interest in what I do, but also, I feel perfectly at ease with them in silence. It’s relatively easy to be comfortable with people when you’re talking and interacting, but I find that how you feel being around your friends in situations of silence to be far more revealing. I’ve only had that with two people.

So that’s partly what I did today. Dana was in town and stopped in to visit. She read the first two chapters of my novel and we discussed the way my characters travelled from world to world. It’s really messed up and complicated so I don’t really want to get into it, but I think I’m going to go back and rework a few sentences. See Dana! I was listening! We also went to the mall and did a brief little tour while discussing things like the impossible job market. Dana told me that there were no jobs in Ottawa. That pretty much translates to, “Lauren, you are screwed”. If there are no jobs in the nation’s capital, I don’t know what I’m supposed to work at here. We wound up at Bulk Barn and were temporarily distracted by small, oddly shaped, colourful balls. The sign said they were confetti. The only confetti I was aware of was of the paper variety. Dana decided to buy one and try it. It cost her 14 cents and I just plain refused to let her buy me one. My instincts proved correct when she bit into it. I heard it clacking against her teeth and then she kind of scrunched up her face as she tried to figure out what the hell it tasted like. In the end, she wasn’t sure but she knew that she didn’t like it. We couldn't really think of a use for it in the food world so we decided that it would suit as aquarium gravel. That was our final adventure before coming back home.

We made a banana bread that didn’t cook all the way through for some inexplicable reason. The outside is cooked, but a little space in the middle isn’t. I dunno... still tasted good. Which was surprising considering we only had half the banana the recipe called for. We started doubling the recipe before checking our banana stock. Note to self: Always check banana stock.

The night ended with watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch. It’s fun watching it with friends because then you can reminisce about when you saw the episodes for the first time. And that was today. Rather lovely in my opinion.

Lauren.

Jobs and Mac Travel

Finally! I was temporarily thwarted by construction or whatever blogger was doing! Here's yesterday's post.
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Okay. Yet another boring uneventful day. But here’s the deal. I’ve been decompressing from school, letting my brain cool off for a bit. That period has come to a close. There are only so many reruns a girl can watch. So, while I wait for any one of the six trillion places I left resumes to call, I’ve decided that I might as well do something that has the potential to earn me some money.

I’m going over my novel, adjusting the little things that I’ve changed since I last worked on it. Thankfully nothing major. Once I’ve done that, I’m going to finish typing the damn thing. I’m not sure on this, but I’m pretty sure publishers don’t accept handwritten manuscripts. Correct me if I’m wrong. Once that’s done, I’ll edit my novella. And once that’s done, I’ll start on the sequel to my novel. It’s all planned out. And hopefully, I’ll get a job that will slow the process as well as the onset of carpel tunnel. That truly is a concern for me. I had wrist pain a short time ago. I’m not keen to have it back.

In other news, I amused myself by tracking my Mac. Because I’m that funny, I decided to use Google maps to illustrate my computer’s journey from Shanghai China. I think I left it on the “by car” option, but honestly, it made it all the more amusing to me.



Apparently I’m going to Jet Ski across part of the Pacific and kayak the rest of the way. I suppose it makes sense to use human power on the longest part of the journey but I’m thinking I’ll die shortly after leaving Japan. So... should I attempt this, have people follow the map above to come find me. Please. Also, I have no idea why my computer was sent to Kentucky, then sent to New Brunswick, only to be sent back to Kentucky. Why is my computer travelling more than me? The only journey I’ve made recently is from my room, to the bathroom, to the kitchen, to the basement. At night I generally reverse that ritual. In any case, my computer is now in Ontario. According to Google maps (which clearly wants to kill me) it’s only a few hours away. Perhaps I’ll have it by tomorrow.

Once my new Mac (name pending) arrives, I suppose I’ll be free to be one of those people who skulks in coffee shops to write. I can’t with Clarence, his battery is not dependable at all. It would however be nice to escape my room now and then. I’m still hoping for a job with a salary. A guaranteed one. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t have an interest in accounting or something like... mortuary services. People are always dying or concerned about their money or dying because they’re concerned about their money. There would always be work!

My dad may have also suggested mortuary services because I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone... While that is a perk, I would probably feel more comfortable talking. How messed up is that?

Lauren.

Lauren's Random Picture Book

Okay. So I’m pretty much bored out of my tree at the moment. Yes, I live in a tree. It’s a lovely place to raise children. Get it? Cause you’re up high... it’s a height joke. See, bored out of my tree. And because I’m bored, I’m just going to make something up. I’ve chosen five picture from my always random picture file and this is the story those pictures inspired.

It was a lovely summer day when all of a sudden, everything went wrong. A giant red robot man walked into the royal court yard, snatched up Jack Black and decided it would be a good idea to give him the wedgie of a lifetime. Seeing their hero in such a predicament, the townspeople gasped in fear. Was the robot insane? No one wanted to see Jack Black’s underpants.



In fact, some fainted from the shock.



Puppies everywhere began dropping to the floor, unconscious with shock, terror and agony. After all, the ground is hard and they have soft, little puppy skulls. It was a terrible crisis! Every time a puppy fell, one more fairy lost its wings. Not even clapping and claiming belief in fairies could bring them back.

By now everyone had realized that situation was dire. A poster was circulated.



None of the pictured heroes were available to perform a rescue or to comment. It was all very distressing. At last, Erin Andrews with her forty miles of leg, walked onto the scene.



Her arrial was enough to distract the robot man, who promptly dropped Jack Black, effectively putting an end to the puppy fainting and fairy incapacitating. After taking a quick look at her notes, Erin adjusted her microphone and shouted up to the robot man. Obviously he just needed something to keep him entertained. And what could be more entertaining to a giant, red, robot bully than crafts! Erin ran to the store, which took no time at all... because of her forty miles of leg... and returned with cotton balls, googly eyes, construction paper and glue. The robot man sat to commence making cotton ball sheep as Erin had taught him.



Oh that Erin! She knew robots are terrified of cotton balls. As soon as the robot man touched the cotton ball, he shivered, jumped up and ran away.

All the puppies eventually woke up. The fairies learned that walking was also an effective manner of transportation. Jack Black’s underwear were never seen again, though everyone hoped he was still wearing underwear. And as for Erin, she became the new hero the townspeople called on. She never failed them and life was good.

See, bored. I don’t even know why I have a picture of Erin Andrews or that puppy. More mysteries that won’t likely get solved. Maybe that’s what I can do in my spare time!

Lauren.

The Glee Prom

My new favourite line? “Kate Middleton, eat your heart out.” Just watched Glee. To be honest, I didn’t think I would like this episode. They sang Friday by Rebecca Black. I feel really uncomfortable making fun of that song but my God it’s awful. And while I love Glee, not even Puck, Artie and Sam could sing it in a manner that kept me from laughing.



And now on to Finn bashing.

Quinn and Rachel really just need to band together, if they band romantically that’s a bonus, and just, ignore Finn. He must be dumped. Preferably in something smelly. The love triangle with the possessive Neanderthal at the head is getting very irritating. Back and forth and back and forth, it just needs to end. If I were Quinn or Rachel, I would have kicked Finn in the shins. Single handed, he managed to ruin two evenings. I wasn’t super excited at the return of Jesse St-James (who did deserve to be punched), but I was even more turned off by Finn’s protective routine. I was expecting more from the whole Rachel/Quinn episode in the bathroom. Perfect opportunity TV People! Little bit of Faberry perhaps? Eh? Okay, if you aren’t into that, at least go with the banding together to make Finn miserable. Either one will make me happy.

The gayness of this episode made me happy and sad at the same time. I hate that people are scared to come out. I hate that people would do something so mean to someone who is different. But I love that Karofsky really apologized. And I loved that Kurt went back in and accepted the crown. I don’t know I would have read it if I were the principal... I think I would have just made something up. No one needs to know right?

I never went to prom... I’m unsure what the Canadian equivalent is, but I’m glad I never went. It looks awful. Everyone upset and sneaky and mean. Yeah, I know, it’s a TV show, but I can’t imagine it’s too far away from reality. Santana made me a little sad... Kiss Brittany! Speaking of Brittany, is she dating Artie again? Is that what that picture at the end meant? I hope not.

Other than Glee, I went out to lunch with Jenny. We went to one of our town’s two sushi restaurants. Sushi is a new luxury. I have no friggin’ clue what I’m eating, so I let whoever I’m eating with order for me, but it tastes good. We were sitting beside pervy guys and an overly curious woman in a flashy pink shirt who kept listening in on our conversations. So rude. But it was nice to be out with a human, to talk to someone and laugh. Although I have to say, sushi and hotdogs (what I had for supper) do not mix very well. That’s my warning.

I’m hungry again. Off to scavenge!

Lauren

Scheme Unveiled

Gah! I’m late. Apologies! I was working on my scheme. And... well, I’m sick of calling it that so I’m finally going to explain what it is.

I mentioned before that I wanted to start a program that would involve educating high school kids about gender and sexuality. That was my goal with Pride. Pride fell apart (surprise surprise) so I was left with no resources. Being as stubborn as I am, I decided that that wasn’t going to stop me. I asked a few friends if they’d be interested in joining me on my education crusade and shockingly three people agreed. We couldn’t meet until last Sunday which gave me about a month to sit and ponder. Giving me time to ponder can be risky.

The program is now a not-for-profit organization that will deal with education regarding sexuality and hopefully, offer resources such as seminars/workshops/lectures for students of all age groups, teachers and workplaces. I also want to offer LGBTQ inclusive sexual education classes, books, movies, helpline and other such resources not only for LGBTQ individuals, but also for family members and teachers. When I said I was ambitious, I wasn’t lying. I was understating. Geographically we’re in a good place because we’re right in the middle of nowhere. Literally. Travelling four hours in every direction gets you to pretty much every major city in Ontario. Also, there’s nothing like this up here, so there is a need.

While one girl is working on the mandate, another is working on incorporation details, our finance guy is looking for grants and I’m building the website. I’m at the part where I’m linking all the pages. I HATE THAT PART! It takes forever and it makes me angry because something always goes wrong. More than once! Because I started this whole adventure, I’ve been elected leader which I’m not really fully comfortable with at this point. I’m usually the Piggy to someone’s Ralph. I’ve never been a Ralph. Although it is comforting that Ralph doesn’t die... I’ll get used to it. I’m organized, I’m smart, I’m fairly confident and I’ve found great people to work with. I’ll get the hang of it soon enough.

In other news, I dropped off yet another resume today. My mom is essentially calling in a favour to get me this job so fingers crossed on that one... She really doesn’t want me at home. I walked into the daycare and noticed that it was pretty much the same as it was when I’d gone there. The smell was the same. When I said that to my dad he laughed and told me that was baby smell. It’s not baby exactly... it’s something else... it’s daycare smell. Anyway, I walked to the office and confidently but hurriedly said the following: Bonjour, je voulais juste laisser mon CV. I gave the woman my resume and promptly left. I hate resumeing. I find it so awkward and abrupt. Hi, I just wanted to leave my resume. RUN!

And in conclusion I want to brag about something even though bragging is unbecoming. Remember my devil paper aka my physiognomy paper? I GOT AN 85% ON IT! Woot! I know grades mean very little but my prof left really positive feedback which made me happy. Plus, this paper was evil. It's nice to know she liked it and I didn't screw it up like I thought I did.

Lauren.

Grading Grades

I don’t have a very long post planned for today. My final grades came in the other day and since I’ve been complaining about them all year, I felt that I should share them with you. The following image is a screenshot from my user account on my university website. Those are all the classes I’ve taken in the last four years. I’ve indicated my English classes in red while my history classes are in green. Do you notice anything odd?



I actually caught on to this a little while ago. My history grades, on average are between 10 and 20% better than my English grades. I’m writing essays the same way, taking exams the same way, studying the same way. Both have about the same amount of work. English typically has more reading while I find history had more writing. Am I the only one finding this peculiar? My history and English profs are equally demanding with regards to essays and work. So what’s with the huge divide? I actually think it’s funny. Now that I can’t change anything that is.

So, for anyone applying to university, going to university, whatever, I think this shows just how subjective grading is. It might not be you. It might be your discipline, your school, your prof, it could very well still be you, but if you’re doing everything you can, that’s all you can do. Over four years, I’ve come to realize that grades and diplomas are just symbols of how well you jump through hoops. They say absolutely nothing about who you are or where you’ll end up.

In any case, I’m moving on to bigger and better projects. My scheme is moving along nicely. We’re having a bit of trouble naming it, but as soon as it’s named, I will gladly explain more about it.

And that’s about all I wanted to say today. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there! If your kids are as annoying as I am, I salute you.

A short ps: to my American readers... I only did that poorly in American history because I majorly effed up on my midterm. I was studying for three midterms at the same time okay? Something had to give. Plus, it was a really tough midterm.

Lauren.

Did I Sing a Disney Song?

An interesting day today. My parents were going out to dinner with some of their friends. I guess my mom felt bad leaving me alone again so she suggested I go visit my aunt. My cousin was down visiting with his wife and daughter and she thought it would be a good time to pop in. For a while I was debating not going, but when my sister came home and said she wouldn’t mind going, I figured what the hell. I gave my aunt a call and we wound up being invited over for supper. Which was kind of awesome considering I had no idea what I was going to make. My dad suggested I fry up some hotdogs that have been in the freezer for God knows how long. Roast beef, potatoes, salad, garlic bread, brussel sprouts (that I did not eat because I don’t like brussel sprouts) or freezer burnt hot dogs... that was a tough decision. I was all really good. Ridiculously good. Except the brussel sprouts that I was forced to try and still did not enjoy.

My cousin’s wife, we’ll call her... Dianna, was rather insistent that I hold her daughter who I will codename... Elle. I guess she thought my fear of breaking babies had to be remedied. She came over and put Elle in my lap. It took all of five seconds for everyone to realize that neither I nor Elle were particularly comfortable. I’d never held a baby. Ever. And she was kind of just plunked down on me. Dianna thought it was quite funny but took her away. Apparently Elle was cranky and hadn’t finished feeding. I’m all for being a team player, but I wasn’t prepared to take that bullet. After she was fed, Dianna came back, assuring me that all would be well and that Elle was just cranky earlier. Once more she was placed in my lap and there she stayed for about half an hour. She was sitting with her back to me so I couldn’t see her face, but according to my cousins, she would smile when I talked. She also seemed to be rather fascinated with my fingers. To be honest, I was kind of fascinated with her fingers. Her whole hand barely fit around my finger. My fingers were like four of hers wide. It’s so strange to see someone so small. I was probably smiling like an idiot the whole time. She spent a lot of time after that staring at me. I’m really a big softy. It’s kind of embarrassing.

To add to the amusing picture, my other cousin had brought his dog over (his ‘fur-baby’), a cute shih tzu named Otis. I’d been playing with Otis before taking up baby holding duties. I don’t know why, but after a while, Otis came over to me and curled up on my feet. Baby on my lap, dog at me feet and as I’m typing this, Meeko is sleeping on the arm of my chair. I think I’m wearing a sign that says: Cute things (be you human or animal) congregate here. I just can’t figure out where it is. I don’t remember singing a Disney song that would cause them to flock... it’s all very curious.

Not that I mind. Like I said... total softy.

Lauren.

Friday Thoughts

I spent a big part of today developing the subplot of my novel. Somehow it’s turned out to be impossibly complicated and it’s giving me a headache. Stupid complicated plots. Why I came up with seven different worlds is beyond me. I must be a masochist. I also organized a surprising amount of notes. I didn’t know I’d written that much. Some of the stuff in there made me laugh. I'm such a nerd. I love it. Other than that, I didn’t do a whole lot.

I don’t have much to say about today. I’m pretty tired actually. But while watching TV I happened to see a preview for the upcoming episode of Glee. It looks intense and apparently something unexpected will happen. Well, I hope something unexpected will happen. If I expect it the writers aren’t doing their jobs. Yes, I am that critical. Okay, I’m excited. Looks like Quinn gets pretty nasty.

I’m more excited about Sunday though. I finally found all the people required for my scheme. Our first meeting is Sunday. None of my schemes have ever gotten this far before. I’m nervous and excited and freaking out all at the same time. Have I just found people as crazy as me? I don’t know. I feel this project either has the potential to be so amazing or... fail spectacularly. I don’t do failure very well so I’m hoping it’s the former. Fingers crossed.

That’s all I’ve got for today.

Lauren.

I Declare it Official!

In case anyone was wondering or afraid of a winter relapse, I can say with certainty that summer is here. Today I went to my dad’s friend’s house. With my dad of course. He had to work on the trailer, I had to get out of the house. I brought a book and a notepad, I stole a lawn chair and I set up camp near the dogs. They were staring at me. It was just easier to sit near them and occasionally pet them than endure real sad puppy eyes. It only works on me with animals by the way. If people try, it actually makes me laugh.

So I sat with my iced coffee, occasionally fending off Reb, a black lab with a coffee addiction, courtesy of my father. When we first got there, Reb was following me around and jumping at me. He usually does, but he eventually stops. It took about ten minutes before I realized he wasn’t jumping at me. He wanted my damn coffee. In any case, I didn’t really notice the time. I read until I got to the end of my chapter. Reb kept digging holes around me to lay in. It was pretty hot today. I watched Midget-Dog (actually named Mickey), she’s a Yorkshire Terrier flopping around in the sun, trying to look cute so I’d get up and pet her. Her leash wasn’t long enough to reach me. I’m mean aren’t I? Then I got an idea for my novel so I started working that out. It was quite fun. No one bothered me, it was a sunny day, there was a breeze, I had a cold drink that I eventually let Reb finish for me. A rather quiet day.

So I mentioned I wasn’t keeping track of time right? Well, I eventually got pretty warm. I have dark hair so my head was burning and my feet were really hot. Dumb brown leather shoes. That’s when I became aware of a warm prickly feeling on my arms. Did I move into the shade? No. I put my sweater back on. About an hour later I was just plain too hot. That’s when I moved to the shade. Too late.

We got to this friend’s house around... 10:30-11:00 o’clock. We left around 3:30. I was outside, in the sun that entire time without sunscreen. What do you think I saw when I finally got the opportunity to look in the mirror?

I really wish we had a Red Lobster in town because I would apply to be their spokeswoman. Unfortunately we didn’t stay long enough for me to get a perfectly even burn, but I think I could still speak on the merits of food that turns bright red. I see it as an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. I need a job, Red Lobster gets a spokesperson who already looks like a lobster, thus avoiding unnecessary expenses with regards to makeup.

Hopefully I at least get a tan out of this. Then I can at least pretend to belong to the human race. I’m one of those, I must cover my entire body and stay out of direct sunlight, kinds of people. My mom was totally unsympathetic. All she had to say after she stopped snickering was: “Well, you got your vitamin D.” She should have been a nutritionist...

Lauren.

Job Hunting Sucks

After a talk with my mother last night regarding the state of my dwindling education account, it was made very clear to me that I’ve spent all the time I can afford to spend on my ass. Literally. I realized that about a week ago, but I still don’t know where I want to work. At this point, my only criterion is PLEASE GOD NOT FOOD. I just don't want to do something I'm going to hate doing. I know I'm not going to find my dream job, I just don't want one I'm going to despise doing from the moment I walk in the door.

So I went résuméing and it was as depressing as I remember. Oddly enough, I've never gotten a job by dropping off resumes. My jobs have all sort of... happened. Maybe that's why I've loved them so much. As for today, only one place took my résumé, two places gave me applications to fill out that essentially ask me for information that could be found on my resume without murdering more trees. One place told me that I had to apply online through the company site and write a test. Today’s failures did not however appease my mother. Why didn’t I apply here? Why didn’t I apply there? Why didn’t I dance the Macarena and do three back handsprings? Because my body doesn’t bend that way! The most appealing place she suggested was the daycare she used to work at and I used to go to. I do love kids, I do find them entertaining, I would love the regulation but also the spontaneity. But kids scare me. I’m always afraid of hurting them or damaging them psychologically. I know from experience how easy it is. At the same time, I know from experience that that daycare hires crazy people. Okay... those aren’t really reasons at all... But it could only be summer job. Actually... that might work out. Hmm... I’ll have to think about it some more.

Other than that, I finally gave in and bought a Mac. I need one for school next year and Clarence is literally losing his screws. I think it’s time for a new computer when tape is being used to keep parts together. I wasn’t really ecstatic about the price, but after I considered how much I spent on Clarence the Mac is actually cheaper. My uncle swears by them. As of now I think they're backwards for the sake of being backwards. I should have it sometime next week. Maybe my opinion will change. Even if it doesn't, I'll get used to it.

A frustrating day over all. Drop off a few more resumes tomorrow and hope someone will call. Do they make job hunting so annoying and aggravating so that people don’t leave their jobs? Where will you find me and what hat will I be wearing next? Oh the new skills I can amass!

Lauren.

Glee: Rumours (the episode, not gossip)

Oh rumours. Who doesn’t love those? I’ve had a few rumours started about me. Personal favourites include: having an affair with a teacher, dating a friend from high school and being gay. Obviously the last one turned out to be true, the others... not even close to true. Oddly enough though, the rumour that I'm gay was the last rumour to come out (ha!) but the teacher and friend I was rumoured to be having affairs with are both female. Both now married to men if I’m not mistaken. Why is it that the best rumours are about people’s love/sex lives?

Pretty good intro to Glee right?

Poor Sam. And I don’t mean in terms of finances. I never actually realized how little we know about Sam until this episode. Or actually, when I read the description of the episode on globaltv.com. My soft spot for Quinn has grown. But maybe that’s only because I really hate Finn. God he’s a dumbass. I get why he can’t trust her, but it’s like he goes looking for problems. Why would he go on a stakeout with Rachel of all people? Why not go with Puck? Or... some other person. Pick the one person that Quinn is terrified of and make yourself feel all good and important because Rachel is drooling over you. At least Quinn owns her need to constantly be in control. Finn’s just all righteous about it and pretends like it’s not there. So there. I think he’s playing both of them and they haven’t realized yet because for some reason, they’re love struck.

Santana. She’s confusing me. She has everything she wants within her grasp. What's stopping her? What are these reasons? Because I’m pretty sure she could take out anyone who tried to mess with her. She has the Glee club behind her which includes Lauren, the only person she’s proven unable to kick the crap out of. She also seems to have Karofsky in her back pocket. Be brave and get the girl dammit! She’s got to have some pretty crazy reasons for being so scared to be with the girl she loves. I think it’s time for some Santana background story. Does she have parents who wouldn’t accept her? Is it a religious thing? What’s going on with Santana? Inquiring minds want to know. Brittany should host that on her internet show. And a note on Brittany: YAY you for dumping Artie and for wanting to take Santana to prom. I know prom is a big deal in the States so I think it's pretty significant that Brittany wants to go with a girl... particularly considering the state of LGBT rights in the US. A lovely statement I think.



What else can I say? Clearly Sue is out of her mind. I’m interested to know how dressing like David Bowie makes her less conspicuous. She must meet a few characteristics for being a psychopath or a sociopath... one of the paths. And yet she’s still somehow a likeable character. I think I like her because for all her crazy, she gets stuff done.

I’m looking forward to next week’s episode. Next week should be a good week all around actually. And hopefully by then I can reveal what my scheme in greater detail.

For now, hope you all have a good night/day depending where you are and what time you’re reading. I’m currently watching the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and once that’s done, I’ll likely be reading Tipping the Velvet. Gots to love Sarah Waters!

Lauren.

Militaristic Voting

Today was voting day and it was an experience.

I went with my parents. We drove up to the church. Yes, the church. I don’t get it... if church and state are so separate why am I voting in a church? I brought this up to my parents and they assumed it was a question of space. Anyway, we pulled open the doors and almost instantly a short over-eager girl jumped in front of us. She asked for our voter cards and our ID then directed us to our polling stating. We showed our ID and voting cards, were given our ballots and dropped them into the box. My mom and I left because it was taking my dad a while for some reason. The over-eager girl reappeared asking about our voting experience. We left shortly afterward.

Now, that’s what actually happened. This is what it felt like:

We walked into the church and almost immediately this crazy girl jumped in front of us:

Crazy Girl cocking her weapon: SHOW ME YOUR VOTER CARD AND VALID PHOTO ID!

We all showed her our voter cards, my dad was almost in tears from the fear.

CG: YOU’RE AT STATION 1! GO! NO FUNNY MOVES! taking us through to our station in single file and at gun point.



We were then turned over to the torture department. Two old farts who probably couldn’t see me clearly from three feet away took my voter card and ID. Old Fart 1 stared at it for a while, took a while to cross off my name and then the second fart prepped my ballad. Because he could do that while the first fart was trying to find my name. My experience with Old Fart 2 felt something like:

Old Fart 2: A third of the way down and crease... oh, it’s a bit crooked. There. Now it’s straight. But maybe I should crease it more. Okay... one third down and back from that. It’s crooked again, gosh darn. There we go, nice and straight. Oh good. There we go. Now bring it back to me when you’re done okay?

Lauren: Thanks...

I took three seconds to mark my ballot and remerge. I handed it back to Old Fart 2 and waited while he took five minutes to fold, fold back, fold over one more time, then pull a tab off my ballot. My mom and I left, deciding it was best to just go.

Crazy Girl made a second appearance. She jumped in front of me.

CG: HOW DID IT GO? EVERYTHING WENT SMOOTHLY? FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!

My mom and I just nodded sheepishly and cowered in the corner, watching helplessly as Crazy Girl accosted another voter, again at gun point. When my dad remerged, we ran.

There must have been some type of bootcamp... that girl was terrifying.

Lauren.

Another Book Down

I don’t have anything of much import to say today and I can’t really think of something clever or particularly insightful to write.

My project is coming along, as is my carpal tunnel. I'm not feeling that great today. I guess that makes me perfect company for Meeko. I might have to take him to the vet tomorrow. Bleh. Perhaps I’ll get a story out of that.

I finished my book. It's called 'Ash' by Malinda Lo. I talked about it a fair bit yesterday. The Cinderella plot makes up the base storyline but there's a lot more emphasis on magic, fairies and fairytales. The build up and the detail is wonderful, but I think the ending is kind of abrupt and... I don't know, too easy? Throughout the whole book it's a big deal to make a bargain with a fairy because their deals are essentially unbreakable. Ash manages to break her deal in a sentence. Because she spends a considerable amount of time fretting over getting out of her deal, it just, well, too easy. As for the romance, the set up was good and I was cheering for them. Of course they end up together at the end, but that too seems a bit abrupt. I wanted a little more. Just a bit more. Overall however, a good read.



I have now draw first blood on my reading list. I don't know which book I'll pick up next, but reading shall be done.

Sorry... that’s about it for today.

Lauren.