I had an interesting experience today. I don't know if it will be of any interest to you, but for me, it was interesting. After school, I froze my ass off (unfortunately not literally) waiting for a bus. When it at last arrived, I wound up sitting with a girl from my history class. We've had classes together throughout the last few years but we've never really spoken until this year. Ah, the nature of university classes!
Anyway, she asked me what I was doing with the rest of my day. I told her I only had to mail my grad school applications. Well, that was a conversation starter! I admit, it surprises me now when people don't know that I write. I'm so used to people just somehow knowing. Beside the point. She started asking me question after question and the only thing I could think of was something Angela said to me a few years ago when we got onto the topic of my writing. "I know you love it, your eyes light up." I knew my eyes must have been lit up.
Among all the other crazy things I've been thinking and feeling this year, I haven't felt a whole lot of 'lighting up' if you will. I got off the bus at my stop, walked across the parking lot of certain death, survived and mailed off my application. As I walked home, I was listening to Glee on my new MP3 player (may I keep this one out of the washing machine). I don't know how to say this without sounding like a complete ass, but as I was listening to Lea Michele belting out "Get it Right", I couldn't help but feel like I don't belong here. It's actually a feeling I've had for at least a year now... have you ever felt... too big for where you are? Like you not only want more but need it, crave it to the point that you can actually feel a hungry ache in your chest? It's a hard feeling to put aside and it makes so many of my daily activities feel utterly pointless. Don't get me wrong, I love my hometown. I've lived here 22 years. It's just, there's nothing here that I want. I feel like my hometown is my grandpa sweater. It's comfy, it's warm, it always smells really good for some bizarre reason, but it doesn't really fit anymore. It's stretched in places, I've grown (in places... not the good places either)...
All of this led me to thinking about Rachel Berry and why I love her but some of my family members can't stand her. I need to get out of here, I need to unleash my voice (though mine will be on paper to spare the world another tragedy), when it comes to my talent, I'm driven to the point of being single minded. I trust you see the parallels. My family on the other hand are all content here. They all have ties. They all have what they want and need. Their drive doesn't have to take them away. Part of me envies that. I guess what it comes down to though is that they can't stand Rachel because they don't understand what it's like.
I get told I don't understand a lot of things (usually people related things), but if there's one thing I do understand it's wanting more and needing it for yourself. My parents still don't understand why I need to do this. They keep suggesting programs in town that have no bearing on what I want to do, thinking I'm just being stubborn. They make it into a personal issue, me escaping them. They make it into a financial issue, me throwing around money I could spend here. It's neither and no matter how I explain it, they don't seem to get it.
Is it the curse of the driven to not be understood? To be different? To be lonely but always able to push that sentiment aside for the sake of "all in good time".
See what I mean, lots of stuff going on in my head these days. And for some reason, it's circling back on Glee. I may need some... how did Kaley Cuoco put it... Gleehab?
Lauren.
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