I'm Sorry

I don't mean to be setting up a horribly depressing theme to my blog. I always thought of it as a relatively happy place. I started blogging with the intention of finding the silver lining in every day. I think for the most part, up until this year, I accomplished that. I'm failing miserably right now, I know. I'm just having a really hard time sitting down and thinking of positive things to say.

I only broke down crying seven times today?
I didn't cry for five hours straight?
I managed to laugh a genuine laugh?

Kind of backwards positive events... positive for negatives.

This might sound silly coming from a very mature, intelligent young woman, but losing Meeko, my cat, feels like I'm losing my best friend. And not peacefully or quickly and not with words of goodbye or understanding. I know, he's cat. I know that he wouldn't have spent the rest of my life with me, I just... I don't want to lose him now.

I'm afraid of people. People have hurt me... badly. Meeko's never hurt me. He always greeted me at the door, he sat with me while I wrote, he kept me company when I didn't get invited to go places or when I was too afraid to go places. He sat with me when I read and he always seemed to know when to pop up when I needed comfort. He'd make me laugh and he warmed up my feet. I don't know why but he always curled up near my feet. Most importantly, he let me be vulnerable and soft and I don't get to be like that with people. They always look at me funny or make some comment that makes me uncomfortable. But with Meeko, it was okay. And now I have a hard time looking at him. I'm just waiting for the day I'll come home and he'll be gone. Imagining euthanizing him makes me want to throw up.

I feel lost as it is...

Overly dramatic... maybe. Crazy cat lady... probably. I just don't want to lose my friend. I feel as though the fact that he's a feline is irrelevant.

And now you know where all the negative is coming from. Because I am atrocious at letting go of anything, let alone the very few people/pets/things I love.

I hope you'll all forgive me.

Lauren.