Off Meds Day

Today was... interesting, but not for the reasons that my days are usually "interesting". I forgot to take my medication this morning. I don't need the meds to keep me from being homicidal (a good thing) but forgetting to take them still messes me up. I get all sullen and Bella-Swan-like. So, I prefer to take my medication. I'm also rarely productive on days like this which doesn't help to improve mood.

So, that's what happens when I'm just me without the aid of medication. I don't really like people seeing me off my meds and I don't really like who I am off my meds. It's all too ten-years-ago for my liking. Little things set me off. I get really emotional. Like embarrassingly emotional over insignificant things. For instance, I just got extremely annoyed at my family's inability to choose a movie. And it wasn't the average kind of simply a little irritated. It was the major kind of irritated when you feel pressure building up in your chest and you want to shout out something along the lines of "Just pick a f***ing movie! We've seen them all anyway!"As you can imagine, shouting out that type of thing leads to people being angry with you and they make it so awkward you have to leave the room anyway. So I preemptively left the room. I'm pretty good about isolating myself on these days. Also not helpful for improving mood, but essential in preserving relationships. (It doesn't help that my parents are redoing a couple of rooms and the house is a mess. I have issues with everything being in its place. It helps with my anxiety. Presently, nothing is in its place and I think every room in the house is upside down.)

Mainly I'm hoping that I can just sleep well tonight. I've been having really messed up dreams for the last two weeks. One involved jumping off a cliff into really clear green water while an orange fire-breathing dragon flew after me, trying to kill me with a jet of fire. I think Ginny Weasley was there. I think I might have been dating her, but there was also some weird Percy Jackson thing going on... If you think that's messed up, last night I had some odd dream about being at the university but there was a whole hidden, industrial/futuristic world there that I got trapped in. I was there with a bunch of people and it was clearly evil. I can't get into a lot of detail because I don't remember most of it, but there was a lot of blood and screaming. I'm not disappointed that I don't remember a lot of that nightmare.

I was talking to Jenny about having all these crazy dreams and she came up with anticipation anxiety. Yeah, that fits. Soon enough, by the end of the month, I should know where I stand on most of the currently unresolved points in my life. Then perhaps the crazy dreams will stop. Because those are just the two I remember.

Anyway, I'm going to indulge in a safe pastime (reading) and if all goes according to plan, I'll wake up in a better mood.

Lauren.