Junk Mail Party

I don't know about you, but my Junk Mail folder is a constant source of amusement to me. No, I don't actually open the mail... that would be stupid. But the subject lines make me laugh.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's an example of this morning's junk.

Let's start from the beginning shall we? 

Yesterday: I do not subscribe to Face or Fuck Book. What interesting books we have now! Regardless, I am not interested in yesterday's single college girls. I like my college girls freshly made every morning when I stop in at Timmies for my coffee. It's too bad we can't donate yesterday's girls to people in need. 

5:14 AM: I was asleep at that time and so was not in need of, or searching for, a topless redhead. Though, on the bright side, I'm sure a topless redhead would attract tons of attention. She should get those dates no problem! After all, in Canada we believe in due process and all that fun legal stuff. She won't have to wait long before she sees a judge.

8:53 AM: Still sleeping. Not interested in Casino Games. Unless James Bond was at that casino and needed me to help with a mission. Crap! There's a red exclamation mark beside it! It must have been James. I'll pretend I didn't get the message and hope for the best.

8:56 AM: Am I covering my computer because James lost a bunch at the casino and I'll need insurance? Or am I covering it because Apple assumes I accepted a date with the redhead? I'm confused. Is it a threat? There's no red exclamation mark... And what am I covering my laptop with? If I cover it with a blanket the chances of me forgetting it's there and sitting on it increase. That must be why I need the insurance. Totally there again.

9:54 AM: I think that's just blatant false advertising. Why call it Fuck book if it's a dating site. I believe this is a flagrant attempt to rip me off. I'll not participate in this scam! Not until they fix their ad campaign. Imagine lying to innocent people...

11:30 AM: Ah Viagra. Well, given that I do not have a penis and am very unlikely to date someone with a penis, I don't think I'll be requiring your product. Thank you for your generous offer however. Should I meet someone with erectile difficulties, I'll pass along this wonderful opportunity.

11:45 AM: It's April. Why would I want to go through all the effort of losing weight only to gain it back as soon as summer hits. It seems completely contradictory. In spite of your idiotic tagline, I feel the need to thank you for assuming that I only have to lose 30 pounds. I must also regretfully inform you that should I choose to lose weight, I have no interest in finding it again by summer. I'll have to pass on your offer. 

This is the kind of crap that runs through my head. I'd be mildly disturbed if it didn't happen so darn often... I kind of miss the ads offering to enlarge my manhood. Maybe I'll get one of those tomorrow. My favourite was "You could be bigger". Truth in advertising. It was quite refreshing. 

Anyway, I'm off to read The Hunger Games. Finally started!

Lauren.