The weather was atrocious. Like wet, slushy, hailish snow kind of atrocious. Thankfully, my sister offered me a ride. Aside from being happy that this year is over, a few things happened that bothered me. They aren't big things at all, but they kind of speak to larger issues that I've always had.
The past week I've been much happier, much sillier, much more the person I enjoy being. And people have noticed. I've gotten comments every day this week about how I'm in a good mood and how it's nice to see me in a good mood. That kind of hurts. I know where it's coming from and I know people don't mean for it to hurt my feelings or whatever, but it does. It makes me think that I've been coming across as some horrible black cloud of a person. Which is entirely possible. But it's not who I am, that's my depression. I'm actually a strangely optimistic, oddly cheerful person. If I didn't have dysthymia, I'd likely be a stereotypical, albeit sleepy, cheerleader-type.
When I first started taking meds and going to therapy regularly, my friends all noticed a change in my behaviour. I'd changed for the better and they would tell me that I seemed happier, more comfortable, more me. That felt good. It's improvement. I did well for years. And then this year, I had what I suppose could be called a depressive relapse? I didn't want to be that person again. And I tried really hard not to be. Ugh... stupid brain and body chemistry getting in my way again. Maybe it's a good thing I isolated myself after all. I don't want people knowing that Lauren. That's not who I am. That's a product of stress, anxiety and outside factors that I don't control. With things happening one after another this year, it was very difficult to manage myself.
The other issue that bothered me, I don't like to talk about. I rarely talk about it and if it comes up in conversation, I usually block or find a way to fade out until a new topic arises. In spite of being awkward I can be quite conversationally savvy. It's a kind of savvy... let me have this one. Again, it's an issue of perception except that this time, I don't know why people perceive me the way they do. I don't think I've given them a reason to see me that way. Yet they do. I think what hurts most is their surprise when I contradict their view of me. Like it never entered their mind that I may have that need or desire. And then I get to wondering what it is that I project that makes people think what they do. When I ask why people are surprised, I usually get awkward babbling or non-answers. Perhaps they don't have a reason for thinking what they do. I don't know. People are weird.
Oh! I forgot, one other thing really hurt me today. I dropped something on the floor, I don't remember what. Anyway, it fell under my desk. When I bent down to pick it up, I smashed my face into my desktop. I don't know how I didn't see that coming. I'm going to have some crazy looking bruise over my left eyebrow and I'm going to have to explain how it got there... great. See, this is why I quit sports. It stopped being about the game and became more about my injuries. Some people just aren't meant to play sports that don't involve them being in plastic, padded bubbles. I'd probably have to wear some kind of padded suit as well... yes, in spite of being in a bubble. I accept my clumsiness and envy those who can move gracefully and without to threat of causing injury to themselves or others.
It's all about being yourself.